Slingshot or Boomerang? Your Choice

Dear Mr. Dad: Our 15-year old son is still a few years away from college, but my wife and I are already thinking about when he’s going to move out and begin a life on his own. A number of our friends have kids who have already graduated from college and one after another, those kids are moving back home. We love our son and would be happy to have him visit anytime—or move back for a short time in case of emergency—but we really want him to be self-sufficient. What can we do now to make sure he can make it on his own out there?

A: The fact that you’re asking the question at all gives your son a better chance than other kids his age of thriving in the real world. Too many parents cross their fingers and hope for the best; you’re actually taking steps to make it happen. For everyone else, finger crossing and hoping aren’t terribly effective strategies.

A recent report from the Pew Research Center found that the percentage of young adults living at home has more than doubled over the past three decades or so. Back in 1980, about 11% of adults 20-34 spent some time living with their parents. Today, it’s nearly 30%. Young men are a bit more likely than young women to be sharing a roof with ma and pa.

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Don’t Be the Parent You Hate

Deborah Gilboa, author of Get the Behavior You Want Without Being the Parent You Hate.
Topic:
A guild to what works and what doesn’t–and why not.
Issues: The three essential Rs of parenting: respect, responsibility, and responsibility; how to avoid being the parent you hate; learning to say No and not regretting it later; rights vs. privileges; the importance of consistency in parenting.

Drunk Mom + What Works, What Doesn’t, and Why

Jowita Bydlowska, author of Drunk Mom.
Topic:
A brutally honest memoir of motherhood in the shadow of alcoholism.
Issues: The inward and outward struggles of someone battling addiction; the anxieties that characterize life with a new baby and saying goodbye to a childless lifestyle; concealing alcoholism–and relapse–from friends and family; lies, deceptions, and betrayals; finally, the transformative power of love and the triumph over debilitating dependence.

Deborah Gilboa, author of Get the Behavior You Want Without Being the Parent You Hate.
Topic:
A guild to what works and what doesn’t–and why not.
Issues: The three essential Rs of parenting: respect, responsibility, and responsibility; how to avoid being the parent you hate; learning to say No and not regretting it later; rights vs. privileges; the importance of consistency in parenting.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. And Breakfast. And Lunch.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 20-year-old son who has been living on his own for several years. But he’s hit a few rough patches lately, and now wants to move back home. My wife and I want to do the right thing and help him, but we’re afraid that letting him move back in with us could turn out to be the wrong thing in the end—for everyone. Is it wrong of us to want our son to stay on his own?

A: Well, first of all, congratulations. You raised your son right: he went to school, got a job, and started making a life for himself. So it’s only natural that you’d assumed that you and your wife would have your house to yourselves. But times are much, much different than when you were your son’s age. According to a recent survey by Payscale.com, only 4 percent of Baby Boomers were living at home after having started their careers. Eleven percent of Gen X (those born between 1961 and 1981) got their first jobs but kept living (or moved back in with) ma and pa. And 28 percent of Gen Y (those born after 1982) are still under their parents’ roof. It’s no wonder that your son’s generation is sometimes called the Boomerang Generation.
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Financial Fitness for Kids

www.amazon.co.ukJoline Godfrey, author of Raising Financially Fit Kids.
Topic:
A pioneer in increasing children’s financial literacy talks about thriving in a post-Madoff, post-subprime meltdown world.
Issues: Five financial development stages; essential skills children (of all ages) need to learn; observing your children’s money style and helping kids differentiate between wants and needs; connecting goals and savings; fostering an entrepreneurial spirit.

Increasing Responsibility through Smart Motivation

Dear Mr. Dad: Our teenage son doesn’t want to do any chores around the house. He never actually refuses to do anything, but he always seems to “forget” what we asked him to do unless we stand over him and make sure it gets done. Is he actively rebelling or is there something wrong with him—or us?

A: Most teens don’t have any trouble remembering things they want to do—texting, playing Xbox, getting on Facebook, or calling their friends. But as you’ve noticed, when it comes to doing things they don’t want to do (chores, for example) their attention spans are suspiciously short.

Chances are he’s not rebelling: Not playing by society’s (or your) seemingly irrational rules is a natural part of adolescence. And chances are there’s nothing wrong with him or you. The problem, or at least part of it, may have more to do with the way you’re asking.

For example, kids who are nagged are generally less likely to do chores than kids who are correctly motivated (we’ll talk about what that means below). If you stand over your teen to make sure he does his chores correctly, you’re setting up a situation where he’ll never do his chores any other way. After all, in his mind, if you have nothing better to do than to lecture and criticize, why couldn’t you just do it yourself?

The real issue here is motivation. And the challenge is to transform your son’s chores from something he has to do (but doesn’t want to) into something he wants to do (or at least will do without being nagged). There are a number of ways to do this:

  • Pay him. This one’s a bit controversial. A lot of parents believe that kids shouldn’t be paid for doing basic chores. You don’t get paid for making dinner or shopping or doing laundry, right? But there’s no question that money can be a motivating force. If it fits within your family values, consider paying him for the work he does around the house.
  • Don’t expect perfect. If the first thing out of your mouth after your son finishes doing the dishes or cutting the grass is a criticism about how he should have done it or that he didn’t do it fast enough, you’re contributing to the problem. Expecting perfection is the fastest way to de-motivate your teen. If you can’t restrain yourself from saying something about the job, at least make it constructive and positive, not negative.
  • Don’t expect smiles. Give him a list of chores he’s supposed to do and a time frame to get them done and leave him alone. The dishes will be just as clean and the grass just as short whether he smiled while he did them or not.
  • Say “Thanks.” The easiest way to motivate your teen is a simple, heartfelt thank you. This tells him not only that you acknowledge that he’s helping, but also that you appreciate his effort, even if the job wasn’t done exactly perfectly.
  • Pull your own weight. Your goal is to get your son do his chores, but teens in families where everyone helps out are far more likely to pitch in (sometimes even smiling). If you come home from work and flop on the couch, but you expect your son do his work, good luck. That’ll definitely feed his view that you treat him like a slave. Of course he’s conveniently overlooking that you’ve out earning money all day, but that’s exactly what it feels like from his perspective.