Dating for Dads

Dear Mr. Dad: I’ve been divorced for almost a year and I’m just getting to the point where I’m thinking about dating again. My kids (8 and 10) and I have a very close relationship and we talk about everything. But when I mentioned dating to them, instead of being happy for me, they were angry. Is there anything I can do to get them to be a little more supportive?

A: Close relationships between parents and their young children are wonderful for everyone. But occasionally lines can get blurred, which is exactly what happened with you. Your social life will undoubtedly affect your children—especially if you get into a serious relationship. But it sounds like you’ve given them the impression that their close relationship with you entitles them to an actual vote in the matter. It’s really none of their business. You’re their parent, not their friend, end of discussion.

Aside from the boundary issue, your children may simply not want to share you with anyone. It’s been just the three of you for a long time, and they enjoy having you all to themselves. Any time you spend with other people—whether it’s going out for a beer with a buddy or dating a woman who’s not their mother—is time you won’t be spending with them. You’re in a delicate spot here, but here are few steps you can take to get your kids on board (or at least to reduce their hostility).
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How single fathers navigate the delicate balance between their kids and their love lives

Nice Chicago Tribune article on the ins and outs of dating for single dads, featuring some quotes from me:

… Single fathers have a tendency, more than single moms, to “feel incomplete” without a partner in the house, so they risk rushing into a new relationship that may not be right, said single dad Armin Brott, author of several books on fatherhood including “The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting Without a Partner” (Abbeville)…

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Introducing Your Kids To The New Woman In Your Life

I got divorced a number of years ago. I’ve been going out with the same person for a few months now and things are getting serious. She and my kids haven’t met yet, but I think they should. Is there a right way and time to introduce them? What kinds of reactions can I expect from my children when I do make the introduction?

Getting the kids and the new person in your life together for the first time can often be a very stressful event for everyone involved and requires a lot of preparation. I strongly recommend waiting until you’re "serious" to introduce your girlfriend to your kids. That doesn’t mean you have to be engaged, but as long as your relationship is exclusive and committed, it’s safe. When, how, and where you set up the initial meeting is up to you, but here are a few general things to keep in mind:
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Dating For Single Dads

I’m a single dad and am just now starting to date again. I’m worried about how this will impact my kids and I’d like to know whether there are any guidelines. Are there rules about how long I should wait before introducing someone to my children? It’s been so long since I’ve dated anyone, what should or shouldn’t I tell the person I’m dating about my situation?

Whether you’re a single dad or a single mom, starting a new relationship-with all the dating and extra showers and being on your best behavior-can be a traumatic experience. For that reason, you should be careful not to start dating too soon. Your friends and family are probably trying to fix you up, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being by yourself or with people you have no romantic interest in.
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Do women want their men miserable?

Hmm. But that ‘s what a just-released study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found. Men, it seems, want their wife or girlfriend to be happy. Women, on the other hand, want their husband or boyfriend to “feel their pain.”

Here’s what the study’s lead author, Shiri Cohen, PhD, of Harvard Medical School, said: “It could be that for women, seeing that their male partner is upset reflects some degree of the man’s investment and emotional engagement in the relationship, even during difficult times.”

You can read the whole article here:

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/03/women-happier.aspx

Dating for Divorced Daddies

Dear Mr. Dad: I’ve been divorced three years, and have had a couple of serious relationships. My 11-year-old son, who lives with me half time, has met these women and a couple others, and seems pretty indifferent when the subject of my dating comes up. My ex thinks it’s reckless and harmful for my current girlfriend to be in contact with him. For now, I’m respecting her wishes. Still, I worry about this pattern continuing. For the record, in three years I’ve had a woman stay over exactly once when he is with me.

A: My advice is to keep kids and new partners apart until the relationship can be truly considered “serious.” Of course, that means different thing to different people. The problem is that kids form attachments very quickly (even if they, like your son, seem indifferent), and the last thing your son needs now is yet another breakup. I know it’s a tough situation–you don’t want to feel that your ex is running your dating life. But think about it as something you’ll do for your son. The fact that you’ve only had one girlfriend spend the night means that you won’t have to make any big changes. Could you confine your dating to the days your son is with his mom? When I was a single dad, I tried to do exactly that. That way, when my kids were with me, I could be there 100 percent for them, and when I was with a girlfriend, I could be with her 100 percent (or close to it).