MrDad.com - Armin Brott in the Portland Oregonian

June 17, 2001

The Rookie Year
New dads get advice from veterans about the experience awaiting them

By Su-Jin Yim, The Oregonian

"The whole goal for me is to give guys the encouragement and guidance and tools they need to be really good dads. The whole process of getting involved starts way early."
     - ARMIN BROTT, AUTHOR OF "THE EXPECTANT FATHER"

      Every traveler should have a guidebook: something that tells you what to eat, when to pull out the camera and how to pay for the grand adventure.
      Especially when that adventure is into Father Land.
      Without one, it can be a scary place, full of exorbitant costs, late-night insomnia and a crabby, bulging partner who wonders why you don't understand why she needs a potty break every 20 minutes.
      Father's Day gives dads-to-be the gentle nudge to make it easier on themselves by learning what to expect about pregnancy, childbirth and beyond, experts say.
      Book publishers are responding with a growing pile of daddy books that range from the extraordinarily helpful ("The Expectant Father," Abbeville Press, $11.95, 262 pages), to one more narrowly focused on physical interactions ("Rookie Dad," Pocket Books, $13.95, 251 pages), to the fall-down funny ("My Boys Can Swim! The Official Guy's Guide to Pregnancy," Prima Publishing, $9.99, 112 pages).
      Because, you know, times are different. Once upon a time, fathers stayed in the corner. They didn't understand pregnancy, let alone periods. They didn't show up in the birthing room, or even to every doctor's appointment.
      Times have changed, but not enough, according to Armin Brott, who was in Portland last week promoting the second edition of his book, "The Expectant Father."
      "The whole goal for me is to give guys the encouragement and guidance and tools they need to be really good dads," says Brott, a 42-year-old father of two in Berkeley, Calif. "The whole process of getting involved starts way early."
      The book is packed with specific advice:

Don't skip the childbirthing classes. "If you can stomach it at all, at least try to take the class," Brott advises.
Take pictures of the pregnancy at least once a month until the eighth month, then once a week after that.
Check your baby-related bills carefully. Sometimes, hospitals make mistakes. Brott said he enlisted the help of a doctor friend and found he and his wife were charged for some things that never happened and overcharged for others.
On the exciting ride to the hospital, avoid potholes. They are not a pregnant woman's friend. If you can, take a cab. That way you don't have to worry about parking your car or paying parking bills.
Start a clip file as your baby's due date nears. Your kid will love seeing the styles, stars, news and other events at the time of his birth.
Talk to your employer as soon as possible about taking time off. Make sure they know how to reach you if needed and who can handle your responsibilities while you're away.

     Communication is key Above all, Brott says, communicate with each other.
     Men and women experience pregnancy on a different timetable, Brott says.
     Pregnant women are often excited during the first trimester and can feel their bodies slowly changing, but for men, it's not yet real.
     The second trimester then finds women worrying about their skills, finances and other concerns, Brott says. At the same time, this is when pregnancy starts to show and men start getting more excited.
     By the third trimester, some women are looking at their partners, wondering if they're up to the task and worrying if they still find a pregnant woman attractive. By now, men have caught up to the anxious stage, where they're unsure if they're ready to become fathers.
     It can be difficult for men because "we're supposed to be strong for our wives," Brott says. Most men "don't want to talk to her and say, 'Honey, I'm scared,' right at the moment when you know she's worried about you being scared."
     Women he interviewed for the book overwhelmingly said they would rather talk about concerns and fears because it helps them know they're not the only ones worrying, he says.
     Talk about who's going back to work and when. If you want your baby circumcised, discuss that before the baby is born.
     "It stuns me how long people wait to talk about the most normal stuff, the most basic things," Brott says. Putting things off may feel like you're sparing her the stress of thinking about these issues, but it may only add to your collective stress later.
     Find a support network Sometimes, talking to other soon-to-be dads can clear a backlog of conflicting emotions about the changes the baby will bring, from dinners out to sex to parenting.
     Taking prenatal classes at Providence St. Vincent Hospital helped 34-year-old Mike Morey of Beaverton before the birth of his daughter, Molly, two years ago.
     During the pregnancy, "I was scared," he says. "I was overjoyed, but terrified. A lot of times I felt useless."
     Taking the classes with his wife helped Morey feel more involved than a separate class would, he said.
     Kaiser Permanente started offering a separate class for expectant fathers about two years ago. Originally a quarterly class, Kaiser now fills up every "Toolkits for Dads-to-be" class, which is held every other month.
     The class gives dads their own support network and an opportunity to practice diapering and other practical skills, says Brack Cottle, a Portland licensed clinical social worker who teaches the class. It also gives them a script to know how to help their partners through the difficult parts of pregnancy, he says.
     "You're going to need to learn how to support her and learn that it's a temporary situation," he said. All those hormones are beyond her control, he added. "Try not to take it so personally."
     Sometimes, women are reluctant to let fathers be too involved, Brott says.
     "As a society, we rate men on their moneymaking capacity," he says. "We kind of rate women based on their nurturing capacity, whether they're the one the child runs to with a skinned knee first. They feel their motherhood is at stake if they're relinquishing power in the home."
     Society still tends to reinforce the image of motherhood as supreme and fathers as secondary, Brott says. Some dads have written him about how difficult it's been to get time off from work.
     Still, the potential hassle is worthwhile. Nothing can prepare a new parent like real-life experience.
     "No matter what you do in the class, when that little baby's in your arms, you don't know what to do," Morey says.