MrDad.com - Armin Brott in the Albany Times Union

March 28, 2004

These Guys Relish Role as Domestic Dads

By C.J. Lais, Jr.

Brent Meredith scores high in job satisfaction -- or he would if he were in the kind of workplace that keeps track of that sort of thing. He's a stay-at-home dad. "It's a lot of fun," he says.
     He doesn't call the job easy, but for him, the choice to take it was. "I was never enamored with working 9-to-5," he says. "I don't ever want to go back."
    He chucked his job as a civilian engineer for the Navy in Washington, D.C., when his wife, Joanne Cunningham, accepted a position with the Health Care Association of New York State in Albany. They wanted to be closer to her family in Utica. Now, Meredith, 36, is the primary caregiver to their three children, Ella, Hayes and Grace.
    As he sits in his Delmar living room and repeatedly runs his hand gently along the curve of Grace's head, gradually calming the rambunctious 2-year-old, it's clear he's found a gig he likes.
    He's part of a trend among American fathers who are the primary caretakers for their children. The 2002 U.S. Census showed 189,000 children cared for by stay-at-home fathers in houses with two parents, a jump of 18 percent since 1994.
Those numbers are still small, though, says Armin Brott, author of numerous books on fatherhood.
    "I'm always really skeptical of numbers when you take something that was minuscule to begin with," he says. "All it takes is a couple of people to make a statistical change."
    And though the numbers are rising, acceptance and support for the role are still in short supply, believes Brott, who has his own parenting radio show, educational Web site (http://www.mrdad.com) and syndicated column, "Ask Mr. Dad." (which run in the Times Union every third Thursday). "By the time you get to the guys who are doing it, they tend to have more open minds anyway," says Brott.
    A career decision
A Rexford father of two, Brian O'Connor made what he calls a career decision to stay home with his sons, Calvin, 7, and Samuel, 4. He worked as a press officer for the state until the day he made the choice, along with his wife, Lisa, to have a parent home with the kids. That was the day they realized they were rushing home to see their kids for a half-hour before they fell asleep. "When you calculate the hours that little kids are away from you ... ," he says.
    It wasn't a financial decision, O'Connor said. But with women continuing to make gains in earning power, for many couples having the husband stay at home is a basic matter of dollars and cents.
Such was the case for Chris Olson, of Saratoga Springs, who cares for his two daughters, Gabriella, 4, and Katie, 9 months, while his wife, Rosemary, works as a counselor for a social services agency.
    "She's got the 9-to-5 situation," he says. "It seemed like the natural thing. She definitely gets a better salary. Everything she's getting is very stable and set."
    A yoga instructor part time, Olson says he could have looked for some random 9-to-5 job, but it wasn't necessary. Flexibility was.
    "It was a no-brainer," he says.
    The U.S. Department of Agriculture's Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion lists overall child-care costs at $9,230-$10,300 per child in a two-child, married-couple family in a middle-income group, according to their report, "Expenditures on Children by Families, 2002." Farther down the income scale, almost a quarter of the "working poor" families with married couples spent more than half their income on that care.
    Meredith's salary was not a factor in his decision to stay home. It was his wife's career.
    "She'd do a great job (as a stay-at-home parent), but she's more into work than I ever was. I never want to go back."

Going to Dad

He notes the difference between his two older children, who were once in day care, 6-year-old Ella and 4-year-old Hayes, and Grace, who has been home with him since she was born. "I have a great relationship (with the older children), but when they need something, they go to Mommy. Grace goes to me.
    "I've been home with her the whole time. I often wonder what the difference is going to be."
    For now, what 2-year-old Grace sees is the guy who pushes her stroller through the late-morning Delmar streets on his way to pick up Hayes from preschool, the guy who seems to have a connection with every other parent -- all mothers -- that crosses his path. He waves and smiles to the mom in a car, he calls across the street to a fellow stroller-pusher. Meredith exchanges social invitations at the preschool door with a mother who has already retrieved her kids from inside.
    This isn't the picture for many stay-at-home fathers, Brott says. Male parents can feel they are "being examined by society for their parenting skills, and if they ask for help, they're not doing it properly," he says.
    And, by and large, the workplaces these men are leaving are far from family-friendly, Brott says.
    "They talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk. It's a rare guy who takes family leave when it's offered, because they worry they'll be seen as wimpy or not serious about their career or not manly."
Mother's feelings
    A potential stumbling block for couples going the daddy day-care route is a mother's feelings about missing out on her children's daily lives, Brott says. That hasn't been an issue for the O'Connors.
    "She's got a sense of satisfaction knowing one of us is here. And I can definitely give a more detailed report than a day care."
Meredith acknowledges that he may have had it easier than others in his situation. Both he and his wife's families gave their endorsements, and the community response has been positive. "I don't know if it's Delmar, but people have been really supportive."
    Finding other fathers in the same position is key, says Brott.
    "There is still a tremendous lack of support and it's so hard to find a group or organization. There are lots for women but not many for men." He suggests placing ads on community bulletin boards, asking pediatricians and contacting new mothers' groups. "Just because a woman's at a new mothers' group doesn't mean she's the primary caregiver."
    Surprisingly, both Meredith and O'Connor say the No. 1 thing they hear from fathers who work is, "I wish I could be a stay-at-home dad."
    Brott is a strong believer in a male's ability -- and right -- to be a stay-at-home parent and is guardedly optimistic about the future. He points to the swelling number of public men's rooms that come equipped with baby-changing stations.
    "There is no reason why men cannot be the primary caregiver from day one," he says. "It's happening very slowly, and the men doing it now are really the first generation. It's really more mainstream to be an involved dad at all, and that's the first step to being a stay-at-home dad. The multistep process starts with general acceptance of fathers playing a role in children's lives and society's valuing that involvement."