Dear Mr. Dad: Our 15-year-old son wants to quit school and get a job. He has struggled academically but we always assumed he’d graduate and go on to college. We’re trying hard to dissuade him from quitting, but he says he can always get a GED later. What can we do?

A: Having been in exactly the same spot as your son—and having a teenager of my own who’s talked about leaving school—I don’t think that most high-schoolers are mature enough to make decisions on their own about things that could affect them for the rest of their lives.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I can't help but notice that some of the kids at my daughter's daycare are way more verbal than she is. We read to her all the time and we're a chatty family so what gives? Are these parents doing something we're not?

A: First things first: not all children develop language skills at the same pace. And there’s no proven connection between the age at which kids start to speak and intelligence. That said, the differences you’ve noticed at your daughter’s daycare could be a matter of genetics or, as you suggested, the parents could be doing something extra that you and your spouse haven’t tried yet.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I'm divorced and have full custody of my daughter. I've been dating someone for about six months and we practically live together, but I don’t think she’s doing enough to help me out. She says that this is her first real relationship and wants to take things slow. She never offers to help on her own—only does when I ask her to. Am I over reacting? I mean, she knew I had a daughter from the beginning and knows that my daughter is my world. I can't understand why she’s so unwilling to help.

A: Becoming a step-mother is a huge step–especially for a woman who's never had a real relationship before. I think that by taking it easy, she's doing the right thing. It's very hard even for more experienced women to get into a situation where they know they're going to be playing second fiddle. As you said, your daughter is your world. In non-step relationships, your girlfriend would be your world. She wants–and needs–to have a solid relationship with you before she can feel confident in her role as step-mother. So don't take her reluctance to get involved as an indication of lack of support or lack of caring on her part.
She's probably just trying to find her footing. Be patient, let her know that she's incredibly important to you, and ask how you can help. She needs to know that you love her for herself and not because you're looking for a mother for your child (I know you're not, but sometimes it looks that way from the outside). Asking your girlfriend to take on a parental role before she's even had much of a chance to be a spouse, is pushing things too quickly.

Finally, keep your expectations reasonable. Do not expect that your daughter and girlfriend will love each other (or even like each other) right away. It may happen, but it might not. Ever.

Dear Mr. Dad: My spouse and I adopted a 14-month-old baby boy. What can I do as a working father to build and cement a strong bond, since we have missed the early stages?

A: The best thing you can do now is read everything you can about child development. You need to know what's been going on so far, what's reasonable to expect from a 14-month old, and what's not. (My book, Fathering Your Toddler, is a good place to start.) Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to "make up for lost time." You can't. But you can—and should—focus on the future.

It's also very important that you not set your expectations too high. It's tempting to get the baby’s room all set up, and to imagine that you and your spouse will be able to start providing your child with a wonderful life (especially if he came from a less-than-wonderful environment). And, of course, it's natural to imagine that you'll fall immediately in love with the baby and that he'll fall in love with you. It's extremely unlikely that will happen. So give yourselves plenty of time to get used to each other and your new situation.

Don't forget to pay special attention to your relationship with your wife. Having a new baby can take a real toll. You're going to need plenty of time alone–individually and as a couple (away from the baby).

Finally, I’m sure you're already in contact with adoption support groups. If not, though, there are some great resources for adoptive parents at Adoption Connection (adoptionconnection.org) and Adoption.org (adoption.org/)

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are expecting our first and we're on the fence about whether to hire a nanny or find a childcare center for our son. It would be great to have someone at home to take care of household chores, but our friends say that there are some great advantages—for us as parents—to having our child in daycare too. Is there any truth to this?

A: In a word, yes. While it's every parent’s dream to come home to a sparkling clean house where the laundry and the toys have been put away and as healthy dinner’s on the table, having a child in daycare offers some definite benefits to parents as well as to kids. In fact, the same day as I got your email, I received a copy of a new book by Mario Small, a Professor in Sociology at the University of Chicago, who has extensively studied a number of these benefits.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My daughter and son-in-law are raising their 4-year-old child with no discipline or boundaries. The boy is a little brat, screaming and throwing temper tantrums whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. I’ve tried speaking to my daughter about this but she just laughs it off. What should I do?

A: Oh, boy, that’s a tough one. I totally agree that raising a child without any boundaries, or, for that matter, discipline, is just plain bad parenting. Your daughter and son-in-law aren’t doing your grandson any favors by giving in to all his whims. Sooner or later, their lenient, anything-goes approach will backfire. (He’s already an unmanageable little tyrant. Imagine how much worse it’ll be as he gets older).

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Dear Mr. Dad: My 12-year-old daughter spent most of the summer at various camps and came back just before school started. While she was away she was allowed to stay up as late as she wanted. Now that she's home she's insisting that she's old enough to stay up late. I'm sure that it's unhealthy for her to get so little sleep, but I don't know how to get her back on track. Do you have any tips for me?

A: Bottom line, your daughter couldn't be more wrong. Sleep is important. Period. And not just for little kids. She might have spent the summer staying up late, but now that she’s back in school, it’s essential that she get back into a healthy sleep routine.

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Dear Mr. Dad: We just got back from shopping and I noticed that my 7-year-old son had a small toy in his pocket. When I asked where he got it, he said he “took” it from the store. I can’t believe my child shoplifts—that is not how we raised him. What should I do?

A: Children steal for a variety of reasons. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t know they’re “stealing.” In their minds they’re just taking something that they really want to have. They haven’t yet developed enough self-control or a strong sense of right and wrong—let alone the difference between legal and illegal—to make them keep their hands in their pockets. They don’t understand that it’s not okay to take other people’s stuff without paying for it. Fortunately, they’re pretty compliant and a word or two from a parent about why stealing is wrong is usually enough to keep it from happening again. At least for a while.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband is 42 but often hangs out with our 13-year-old son and his friends, acting like a kid himself. Am I wrong to want my husband to act his age instead of trying to be our boy’s buddy?

A: There’s nothing wrong with expecting your husband to be a good role model–a mature, responsible, and trustworthy individual your son can look up to, respect, and admire.

But the fact that your husband spends time with your son and his friends doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not good role model material or that he’s shirking his responsibilities. There are a lot of factors to consider here. For example, what is he doing with the boys? If they’re occasionally hanging out in the garage and building a train set, or playing ball in the backyard, those are perfectly good bonding activities and your son can only benefit from this quality time he’s spending with his dad (and Dad will benefit too).

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Dear Mr. Dad: Though my husband is only in his early forties, he recently suffered a heart attack. He’s back home now and the prognosis is good, but our children, ages 9 and 11, saw everything and are very worried about him. How do we reassure them that Dad is fine?

A: Witnessing a parent’s illness (mental or physical), or a sudden medical emergency can indeed be very troubling to a youngster—and plenty upsetting to a spouse as well). It’s even more disturbing if the kids saw paramedics performing CPR or taking away their father in an ambulance.

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