Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have four daughters and it seems that no matter where we go we have to deal with people’s sighs, smiles, and dopey grins. They’re often curious about whether we’ll keep trying till we get a boy—it’s as if they think that by not having a son we’ve somehow failed. This happens almost every day and often in front of my daughters. Any advice on how to handle this?

A: As the father of three daughters I know exactly what you’re going through. As you’ve discovered, there are a lot of people out there who feel that a family isn’t complete unless there’s at least one child of each gender. And there are others who feel that sons are a more valuable asset to a family than daughters (this is especially common in certain cultures where they actually do consider sons more important).
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Dear M. Dad: When my baby was born my wife and I spent a lot of time and energy babyproofing the house. Our child made it through infancy, but now that he’s a toddler, he’s getting into everything and we realize that we missed some key safety measures. Is there such a thing as toddlerproofing a house? And if so, how do we do it?

A: The thing about toddlers is that they’re absolutely desperate to explore their world. Of course, in toddlerese, the concept of exploring means touching, climbing, pulling on, taking apart, shredding, throwing, chewing, and more. Back when your son was an infant, taking things away from him or simply picking him up and moving him out of trouble would work most of the time. No self-respecting toddler, however, would be fooled by that. In their minds, babyproofed cabinets or anything that you take away or put out of reach is immediately worth extra points. After all, if it weren’t especially interesting, you wouldn’t have bothered to protect it so well.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I have 11-year old twin daughters and watching them blossom into young women is making me a tad uncomfortable. They’re always pulling away from me, and I never know if a hug or kiss will feel misplaced to them. Worse yet, suddenly the only parent they talk to anymore is mom—it’s as if I’m no longer needed or important in their lives. How am I supposed to handle all this?

A: Welcome to the ‘tween years. And if you think you’re confused, imagine how your daughters are feeling. Their bodies are changing in all sorts of ways and they’re probably plenty uncomfortable in their own skin. They’re too big to sit on your lap, too old to hold your hand, and they’ve gone from being Daddy’s little girls to wondering what their role is in your life and worried about whether everything that’s going on with them will affect their relationship with you. Oh, and to complicate things even more, your daughters are also just now discovering their sexuality (whether you want to hear about it or not).

So what’s a father to do?

• Two words: stay involved. You’re the most important male in their life, and your daughters are looking to you to show them how the world works. Your behavior around them and your reactions to their “blossoming” will shape how they see themselves now, and will set the stage for their future relationships with men.
• Understand what they’re thinking. One reason they’re pulling away is that they’re secretly hoping you won’t notice their bra-straps or say something that might embarrass them (even if it’s unintentional). And they’re trying to convince themselves—in a way that seems irrational to you but makes perfect sense to them—that if they don’t talk with you about the hair under their arms, menstrual cycles, and boys, those things will simply become non-issues.
• Don’t stop. Just because they’re growing up doesn’t mean that you can’t be affectionate with them. Ideally, you’ll still be able to hug and kiss them (as long as you don’t do it in front of their friends). But take your cues from them. If you sense that physical affection is making them uncomfortable, back off a little and show your love in other ways. Perhaps sticking a little note in their lunch box or spending time together doing something they love.
• Don’t ever say “go ask your mother.” That’s the surest way to get them to stop talking to you. If your daughters ask you something, take it as a compliment, listen carefully, and answer only if asked to.
• Be careful how you react. When the girls do talk to you, don’t wince or make any obvious uncomfortable noises or faces. They’ll take even the smallest twitch as proof that you aren’t happy with the young women they’re becoming.
• Lighten things up. When you feel the time is right, an occasional joke or some gentle ribbing (but not about puberty) could help open up the dialogue. When the girls feel that you’re proud of them and not put off or disappointed that they’re growing up, they may feel safe talking to you about things like boys and, if mom’s not around, maybe even some girly issues.

Remember that your daughters will spend more time in your life being women than they did being babies, toddlers, and children combined. Staying involved and close to your daughters during this uncomfortable time will strengthen your relationship with them for the rest of your lives.

Dear Mr. Dad: My son turned one a few weeks ago and it’s been months since my wife and I have had even an hour to ourselves. She makes abstract plans ("We'll do something this weekend") but they never happen—she always comes up with some kind of excuse. I've complained, but that just upsets her. I'm trying to be understanding but I’m getting more and more frustrated. Help!

A. When you have a baby, going out for even a few hours can take a serious amount of planning. Theoretically, as your baby gets older, it should get easier and easier to get away, not harder, so I understand your frustration. That said, let's try to figure out what's really upsetting you. The big question is: what is it that you miss—simply going out or spending time alone with your wife? There’s a subtle but very important distinction.
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Dear Mr. Dad: A young family recently moved in next door. There’s always a lot of yelling and door slamming and I’ve noticed that the boy who lives there, who looks about 10, often has bruises on his face, arms, and legs. Whenever I see him, he seems afraid to make eye contact. I don’t want to rush to judgment and accuse the parents of abuse, but I also don’t want to turn a blind eye in case I’m right. What should I do?

A: Thank you for speaking up and for your concern—you’ve just identified several classic warning signs of abuse. You’ve also stumbled into a very tough, very complex situation (one that I’m sure will generate angry emails from readers no matter how I answer the question).
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Dear Mr. Dad: My four-year old daughter often climbs into bed with me and my wife in the middle of the night, claiming to be scared of a tiger, crocodile, or something else. She also seems to be generally afraid of the dark. There’s a night light in her room and we never read scary stories to her. What can we do to help her get over her fears, and how do I know she's not just making the whole thing up so she can sleep with us?

A. Even at the ripe old age of four, most children have a tough time telling the difference between reality and make believe. As a result, strange shadows and bumps in the night are enough to drive even the bravest child into mom and dad’s room. Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to get her out of your bed and back into her own.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I am currently dating a divorced father of two. I am having trouble communicating to him that being a good father does not exempt him from being a good partner. How can I get him to see my point of view without putting him on the defensive?

A: In a perfect world, you're right–being a good father wouldn’t exempt your boyfriend from being a good partner. But I have to tell you that most single dads would make the same choice. Their priority is their children—giving them stability and protecting them from going through another breakup. When dating a divorced dad you have to understand that his kids are part of the package. You can’t have one without the other. And if you ever put him in a situation where he feels he has to choose between the kids and you, he'll go with them every time.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I’m traveling alone with my 3-month old daughter and my 4-year old son over Spring break. It’ll be a long flight and I’m already dreading it. How can I make it easier on myself, my kids, and the people around is?

A: Air travel is already plenty stressful. Throw in two young kids and your hair will turn grey just thinking about it. For many traveling parents, the problems start when they try to get everyone through security. You can reduce some of the stress by putting everyone in slip-on shoes (you’ll all have to take them off—even the baby), and having the baby in some kind of wearable carrier (as long as it doesn’t have any metal parts you should be able to leave it on).
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Dear Mr. Dad: When my kids were young I worked a lot and wasn’t around as much as I wanted to be. But now that I’m retired and a grandfather, how can I make up for it and build strong relationships with my grandkids?

A: There’s no way to make up for lost time, but there are some excellent ways to be an active, involved part of your grandchildren’s life.

• Stay connected. Call, write, email, text, Skype, or twitter. There are tons of ways to keep in touch.

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Dear Mr. Dad: People are always talking about being an “involved dad,” but everyone seems to have a different definition of what that means. What do you say, and how does one go about getting “involved”?

A: Well, in my view, being involved means taking an interest in your child, being supportive, and making him or her a priority in your life. Easier said than done, of course. Here are some specific ways to go about it.
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