Dear Mr. Dad: I've heard drowning is a big risk for kids, especially toddlers. Now that it's summer, should I sign my baby up for swim lessons? If so, what age is appropriate to start?

A: Whoever told you that drowning is a big risk is exactly right. In fact, drowning is a leading cause of injury-related deaths among children under five. Toddlers 12 to 36 months are at the highest risk. But that’s not all. While everyone is focusing on drowning (as they should be), victims who almost drown often end up with medical problems that can plague them for the rest of their lives. These can include: brain damage, seizures, learning disabilities, paralysis, and other respiratory, cardiovascular, and neuromuscular disorders.

The chance of your child drowning is greatest in warm weather states like California and Florida, but can—and does—happen anywhere. Across the nation, nearly half of child drownings occur in freshwater lakes, rivers, and canals; about 30 percent happen in swimming pools—even inflatable ones; about 10 percent in homes (in bathtubs, buckets and even toilets); and a small percentage in the ocean. In a lot of cases, parents are actually close by but assume that they’d hear if their child was drowning. Unfortunately, toddlers, as you’ve no doubt noticed, are top heavy so they’re likely to fall into water head first and can drown silently in minutes. (It doesn’t take much—a child can drown in as little as a few inches of water).

Given how scary these statistics are (at least I hope they are), it’s natural to want to decrease your child’s risk of drowning. But there’s a lot of debate on whether swim lesson for toddlers are effective drowning prevention. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends lessons for all kids four and up but doesn’t recommend them for kids under a year. They recently updated their policy on toddlers and preschoolers and now say that swim lessons and water safety classes may decrease their risk of drowning. Many swim schools offer classes for toddlers, and even infants, in order to build a foundation necessary for further instruction. And some organizations, such as Infant Swimming Resource (ISR), focus on teaching babies basic water survival skills, such as rolling over and floating in water.

Some experts advise waiting until six months to introduce babies to water because newborns get cold easily and are particularly susceptible to illness and the chemicals in pools. Between 6 and 24 months is generally a great time to introduce your tyke to the water. At this age most babies are ready for a mommy (or daddy) & me classes and can begin getting comfortable –and having fun– in the water. When looking for a baby swim class, be sure the pool is heated to 92 degrees and has some shelter from direct sun. (And outfit your baby in a swim diaper to avoid adding any presents to the pool.)

Between three and four years of age most children are developmentally ready for formal swimming lessons (without a parent in the water) where they begin to learn actual swimming skills. Whatever you decide to do, though, the most important thing to remember is that swim lessons do not magically protect your child. An adult must always be present—and focused on the children—when kids are in the water. And never, ever leave your child in the care of another child (unless the older one is

Dear Mr. Dad. My 9-month old daughter is happy and healthy in every respect (her pediatrician concurs). But all our friends are talking about the things they do to help their children grow, develop, learn, and so on. Is any of that really necessary? Will our daughter be okay if we just let her develop on her own?

A: I have no idea how it started, but somewhere along the line, a lot of parents got the idea that happy, healthy babies weren’t enough and that normal intellectual and physical development were happening too slowly. Babies, it seems, had to be constantly entertained and educated. Low-tech toys were replaced by electronic ones that light up, make funny noises, count, say the names of letters, colors and shapes, or conjugate irregular Latin verbs. And instead of learning to crawl, walk, and run on their own, babies needed personal trainers. What ever happened to letting kids be kids?

The short answer to your question is that, assuming your daughter’s pediatrician is right and your baby is, indeed, healthy, she’ll achieve her developmental milestones, gasp, without outside intervention.

That said, physically playing with your baby is wonderful for her—and for you. At the very least, you’ll feel more confident and competent as a parent, and your daughter will learn that she can count on you to always be there for her. A strong relationship with mom and dad is, hands down, the best gift you can give your child.

So here are a few ideas for fun ways of interacting with your baby. They’ll also stimulate her brain and body—but that’s not the primary goal.

For major muscle groups:

• Put some toys near her feet and encourage her to kick them.
• Roll a ball far enough out of her reach so she has to crawl to get it.
• Supervised stair climbing is great. But stay nearby and be extremely careful. This is a good time to start teaching your baby to come down stairs backward. But be prepared to demonstrate yourself and to physically turn your baby around a few dozen times a day.
• Chasing games: you chase her; she chases you. Reward her with a big hug and—if she doesn’t protest—a little wrestling. Besides being fun, these kinds of games teach your baby a valuable lesson: when you go away, you always come back. Plus, kids who wrestle with dad grow up with more highly developed social skills than kids who don’t get as much physical play.

Hand-eye coordination:

• Puzzles. The best for this age wooden, have a separate hole for each piece, and a peg for easy lifting.
• Nesting, stacking, measuring, and pouring toys. Also things to crush, tear, or crinkle—the noisier the better.
• Weave some string between baby’s fingers or tape two of her fingers together. Can she “free” herself?
• Hand-clapping games.

Consequences. The idea that different actions produce different effects can’t be reinforced often enough.

• Jack-in-the-boxes—especially the kind with four or five doors, each opened by a push, twist, poke, or some other action. Be cautious the first few times, though; some babies may be frightened.
• Pots, pans, xylophones, or anything else the baby can bang on. She’ll learn that different things make different noises when smacked and that hitting something hard sounds different from hitting something soft.
• Doors (and anything else with a hinge, including books)—provided you’re there to make sure no one gets pinched.

But remember: Your only agenda is to have fun.

Dear Mr. Dad: For the past few months my son, who is almost four, has been going through the “why” phase—constantly asking questions like, “Why is sky blue?” and “Why can’t dogs sing?” Most of the time I don’t know what to tell him or how to make him stop. Any advice?

A: I’m sure just about every parent who’s reading this is nodding his or her head. This phenomenon is so common that you could safely add it to the short list of life’s guarantees—right after death and taxes and probably just before the sun rising every morning. So my first suggestion is to stop trying to make your son ask fewer questions. Judging from his age and the questions you quoted, your son doesn’t seem exceptionally or unusually inquisitive.

Starting at about three, children really start to focus on the world around them and try to explore every little bit of it. Plus, he’s now much more able to actually understand what’s going on. He’s fascinated by the things work and can’t get enough of cause and effect. At the same time, his language skills are blossoming. Combine that insatiable curiosity with an exploding vocabulary, and you’ve got a never-ending and sometimes annoying stream of questions.

But what your son doesn’t have right now, is the capacity to tell the difference between questions that are reasonable and those that aren’t. Come to think of it, that’s a distinction that eludes many adults too. So when the dog barks instead of singing, your son wants to know why. Frankly, I do too.

A lot of animals are born prewired with the ability to walk, slither, hop, eat, hide, and more. But humans aren’t. Yes, we’re born with some basic reflexes, but for they generally disappear within a few months. From there on, we’ve got to learn everything from scratch, one step at a time. And as exhausting as it is for you, that’s exactly what your little boy is doing.

So how should you handle all these questions? To start with, don’t ignore them. The good news is that most questions four-year-olds ask aren’t exactly rocket science. Give the best, most complete—and, of course, age appropriate—answer you can (if, for example, your son asks where he came from, “Chicago” could be a better answer than a lengthy explanation of the birds and bees).

If you don’t know an answer, it’s perfectly fine to say so. But don’t just leave it at that. Suggest some ways that you and he could discover the answer together. Go to the library and check out some books that might provide the information you need. He’s too young for Internet searches, but that’ll be coming sooner than you think. Or go to the zoo, the museum, the grocery store, or the nearest Ferrari dealer.

When you listen carefully to your child’s questions and you patiently answer them (or help him find the answers), you’re doing two very important things. First, you’re nurturing his sense of curiosity, which is a critical step in the learning process. Science, literature, and just about everything else couldn’t exist if people hadn’t been curious enough to ask, “Gee, I wonder what would happen if I….” Second, you’re laying the foundation for good and open communication between the two of you. And, as he gets older, knowing that you take his questions seriously will be proof that he can turn to you with any problems. Whether he actually does that is a different story. But at least, deep down inside, he’ll know.

Dear Mr. Dad: I love spending quality time with my two-year-old, but occasionally he throws a tantrum that seems to come right out of the blue. It embarrasses me in public and frustrates me at home. How should I respond to his unreasonable anger?

A: Welcome to the wonderful world of toddlers (sometimes known as the “terrible twos”), a place where emotions run hot, and logic and reason are in short supply. The good news is that occasional tantrums are fairly normal at this age. The not-so-good news is that self-control is a skill that’s learned gradually, over a pretty long time, so you’ll need all the patience you can muster.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My mom watches my 3-year-old son while I work part-time. I appreciate her help but it bothers me that she spanks him when he misbehaves or disobeys. I’ve been meaning to speak with her about this, but have been holding off because I can’t afford to hire a babysitter and I don’t want to antagonize my mom. What do you suggest?

A: Boy, that’s a tough one. On one hand, it’s comforting—not to mention more convenient and less expensive—to have your son cared for by a loving relative while you’re at work. On the other, if you and your mom can’t reach an agreement on how to discipline your child, you’ve got a real problem—regardless of the financial savings or the convenience factor.
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Dear Mr. Dad: You’ve written a lot of about how deployed dads can maintain strong relationships with their children while they’re away—and I’ve learned a lot of great stuff. But what about my wife? How do I keep my relationship with her strong too?

A: Excellent question! With all the attention that gets paid to dad-child relationships, it’s easy to forget that military marriages need plenty of care and feeding as well. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

• Adapt some of the kid-related activities you’re doing and use them with your wife. For example, if you’re making CDs or DVDs to send home, don’t stop with the kids’ books. Record some poetry or a chapter of a novel you’re both interested in reading. Send some R-rated—or X if you're feeling brave—love notes home (in sealed envelopes) and have your children hide them where Mommy will find them.
• Don’t compare or criticize. Yes, you may be dealing with life-threatening situations every day. Meanwhile, back at home, your wife is going through some pretty intense battles too. It's apples and oranges, so any comparison will be unfair to one side or the other. Your wife probably has the good sense not to tell you how to do your job, so show her the same courtesy.
• Support her. Your wife truly needs to know that you understand that life isn’t easy for her right now. She also needs to know that you love he, you think she’s doing a great job, and you support her 100 percent.
• Ask her to limit media consumption. If your wife is one of those obsessive news junkies—watching TV for hours and hours every day and consuming every other kind of news story she can lay her hands on or click a mouse at—do everything you can to get her to cut back. This kind of behavior is usually an indication that she's highly stressed about your physical safety and desperately need sof some reassurance. As guys, we often like to report how tough our living conditions are, or go through a bullet-by-bullet description of a firefight we survived. But some information is best kept to yourself.
• Encourage her to get some support. Whether you’re asking for it or not, you’re getting a lot of emotional and social support from the other guys in your unit. Each of you knows exactly what everyone else is going through, and sometimes just knowing you’re not alone can be very reassuring. Your wife needs to find a similar support network. Fortunately, every unit has some kind of family support organization where wives (or at-home husbands) can get together with others who share their experience. They offer everything from a safe place to vent frustrations to help with babysitting. Unfortunately, a majority of wives don’t participate in FRG activities.
• Encourage her to keep a positive outlook. But be very careful how you do this. Telling a woman who’s overwhelmed, lonely, sad, and depressed to “cheer up” or “look at the bright side” won’t go over well. Reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons. It’s called “One-session psychotherapy,” and the illustration is of a therapist backhanding a patient across the face while yelling, “Snap out of it!”
• Encourage her to relax. Downtime in our society is hugely underrated. And a little goes a long way. A couple of hours off to take a yoga class or just a long walk alone could energize your wife for the rest of the week.