Dear Mr. Dad: I'm concerned about my 12-year-old son. He’s been putting on a lot of weight lately and I’m worried that he’s going to develop some serious health problems. I've tried to interest him in doing more physical activity, but it doesn't seem to work. How do I keep my kid from becoming just another statistic?

A: First of all, you deserve a big round of applause. Recent studies have found that over 60 percent of parents of overweight 10-12-year-olds don’t think their child has a problem. Neither do about 90 percent of parents of overweight 4-8 year olds. The fact that you’re concerned is wonderful.

Childhood obesity is a big problem—and it’s getting worse every day. Over the last three decades, overall obesity rates for children doubled. For adolescents, the rate tripled. Today, a third of kids 10 to 17 are overweight—half of them qualify as obese. Overweight and obese kids have an increased risk of developing high blood pressure, high cholesterol, respiratory and orthopedic problems, and Type 2 diabetes. That’s while they’re still kids. Over 80 percent of obese children become obese adults, and those health problems become even more dangerous. There’s also evidence that obesity also affects kids in non-life-threatening ways, including their academic performance, social development, and even their career success.

Your first order of business is to get your son to a doctor. This is important for a number of reasons. He or she will be able to tell exactly how overweight your son actually is. Children go through growth spurts, and often put on a bit of extra weight before shooting up in height. There’s also a chance—albeit a pretty slim one—that you’re wrong about your son and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Next on the list is to make sure your child is getting enough exercise. Current recommendations are that all of us—adults and children—should get an hour of sweat-inducing exercise every day. Unfortunately, less than a third of children 6-17 get even 20 minutes/day. And don’t count on your child getting that exercise at school. Budget problems have reduced or eliminated many physical education programs.

Limiting TV and video game time is critical. The Kaiser Family Foundation recently found that kids 8-18 spend an average of six hours/day in front of one kind of screen or another. While some of that time is clearly important, a lot isn’t. So let your son earn his screen time by putting in an equal amount of hours doing physical activity. If he balks, at least pick up some games for whatever device you have (X-Box, Wii, etc). Some of the new motion-sensing titles may be more successful in getting your son off the couch than you are.

Of course you should pay attention to your son’s diet, but don’t forget about his drinks. We all know that sugary sodas are bad news. But fruit juice isn’t much better. You can minimize problems by insisting on regular (and healthy) family dinners, a good breakfast, drinking more water, and banning junk-food snacks from your home. Also, make sure your son gets enough sleep—9-10 hours/night. Less than that increases his obesity risk.

Finally, take a look at your own behavior. Are you practicing what you’re preaching? At 12, your son is paying more attention to what you do than what you say. But your words are still important. So rather than focus on his weight, talk to him about his health. Coming down too hard could backfire and make the problem worse.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a single dad with an 8-year-old daughter. She and I are very close, but something has come between us: her hair. She sees other girls her age on TV, movies, or even at school and they all seem to have these amazing hairstyles and fancy arrangements. My daughter keeps asking me to do something like that for her, but I’m not even completely sure I understand the difference between pigtails and ponytails. I can see that to my daughter, hair is a big deal and I’d really like to give her what she wants. Any suggestions?

A: Boy (okay, I should say “girl”), can I empathize. As the father of three daughters I can’t even count the number of times I had my nails painted, face powdered, and eyes smeared with mascara. Or the number of hours I spent conditioning hair (not mine) and combing out snarls that seemed big enough to house an entire family of hawks. Or the days I spent shaking my head in amazement as a straight-haired -daughter used some kind of medieval torture instrument to curl her hair, while her wavy-haired sister used an equally frightening tool to straighten hers. So I definitely feel your pain. The good news is that there is hope. The even better news is that the fact that your daughter wants you to help her with your hair is a huge compliment. It may seem a little silly to you, but every minute you spend elbow-deep in your daughter’s locks brings you closer together and strengthens your relationship.

The first thing you need to do is get familiar with the tools of the trade—which can be more than a little intimidating. Since your daughter is only eight, you probably won’t have to worry about hair dryers, rollers, or curling and straightening irons for another few years. If you’re lucky. But spend a few minutes walking the hair-care aisles at your local drug store and check out the 6,375 types of brushes, combs, and accessories. There’s a big difference between a scrunchie and a regular pony tail holder (do not, under any circumstances, use a rubber band); butterfly clips, snap clips, and barrettes; hard headbands and stretchy ones.

If you have any energy left, take a quick walk through the shampoo department and get ready to refinance your house. You may be able to get away with the Costco brand right now, but take a lesson from my oldest daughter who came back home after her freshman year of college. After rummaging through every closet in the house, she held up a bottle of generic shampoo and sneeringly asked, “don’t you have anything more expensive?”

Now all that’s left is to roll up your sleeves and start creating designer ‘dos. For that, I recommend Cozy Friedman’s Guide to Girls’ Hair: The Cutest Cuts and Sweetest Hairstyles to Do at Home. Friedman, a New York kids’ stylist, will walk you through creating ponytails, pigtails, braids (French, heart, ,mini, and others) along with a rather optimistic estimate of how long it might take to do.

If you’re looking for other ways to strengthen your relationship with your daughter, you’ll definitely want to check out the winners of the Spring 2011 Mr. Dad Seal of Approval. You’ll find a huge variety, including the Xploderz XRanger 2000 firing system (xploderz.com), SnoozeShade (snoozeshade.com), DoodleRoll art kits (doodleroll.com), a great smock from Koobli (koobli.com), Periodic Quest chemistry game (periodicquest.com), the Pocket Referee (thepocketreferee.com), fantastic games from Bananagrams (bananagrams.com) and many more. The full list is at mrdad.com/seal.

Dear Mr. Dad: As a woman who grew up in the 1970s, I’ve always supported feminism, which did a great job of getting people to pay attention to women’s issues. But now, as the mother of three boys, I think we might have gone too far. Girl power is everywhere these days, and it has become perfectly acceptable to make fun of boys and cut them down. I see how this affects my sons and I’m really worried. What is going on here?

A: This may set off a firestorm, but here goes. First, you’re right—what feminsm accomplished in improving the quality of life for women and girls has been nothing short of spectacular. And I’d never want to take any of that back. Unfortunately, while females were advancing, boys and men have been losing ground. A lot of ground. Here are just a few examples.

• Women live five years longer than men and have lower death rates of nine of the top ten causes of death. Females 12 and older are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression, but four times more men than women commit suicide.
• Seventy-eight percent of the jobs lost in the current recession had been held by men. In our society, where we tend to rate men by their paychecks, the “He-cession” has already led to increases in male depression and suicide.
• Boys are bombarded with messages about how bad/dangerous/stupid males are. Girls as young as four believe they’re smarter, work harder, behave better than boys, according to a 2010 study. By age eight, boys also believe that girls are superior in these areas. The fault apparently lies with primary school teachers (about 90 percent are female) who demand that boys conform to a more feminine (AKA quieter) style of behavior, and reinforce the idea that boys are academically inferior. Teachers’ positive expectations for girls—and negative ones for boys—become self-fulfilling prophecies, say the researchers. No surprise, then, that in 8th grade, girls are twice as likely as boys to be proficient in writing, and 50 percent more likely to be proficient in reading? Or that throughout school, boys get worse grades, are expelled three times more often, and are more likely to repeat a grade or drop out entirely? Given that, it’s easy to understand why men account for only 43 percent of college students and receive only 40 percent of advanced degrees.

There’s a major crisis brewing in this country and we need to do something about it. Now. In 2009, President Obama created the White House Council on Women and Girls. For the past six months, I’ve been part of a group of men and women whose goal has been to create a similar council for men and boys, hoping to achieve for males what the women’s movement so brilliantly did for women. Sadly, the Administration has been reluctant to even look at the proposal.

I know that some people will say that it’s only fair that girls are doing better than boys. After all, the logic goes, men have historically done better than women. Whether that has ever been true is debatable—we’ll talk more about this in future columns. But as the father of three girls, I don’t want my daughters growing up seeing themselves as victims anymore than you want your sons to see themselves as victimizers—or hopeless cases. As a country, we can’t allow ourselves to focus so much on past perceived injustices that we ignore what’s happening right in front of our faces.

Dear Mr. Dad: Outside of the home, I'm a fairly calm, patient, level-headed person. At home, I'm impatient, angry, and yell a lot at my kids. I’m actively involved in their activities, but rarely find anything that they do very interesting. And efforts that I make to expose them to things I enjoy (tennis, baseball) always seem to backfire to the point that I regret making the effort. My problem is that I love my kids, but don't necessarily like them. I know they’ll only be young for a short time and I should try to enjoy them while I can. But, honestly, I think I enjoy them less than five percent of the time. So my question is this: What can I do to enjoy my family more?

A: Wow. That can’t have been an easy email to write. But you very eloquently captured a feeling just about every parent has had (or will have). Very few people have the courage to admit it, though, so thanks for that. You didn’t say how old your children are, but there are several factors that may be contributing to your I-love-you-but-don’t-like-you feeling.
First, there’s their behavior. Dealing with rude, surly, uncooperative, disrespectful children on a regular basis can definitely make you question whether you should have had children in the first place.

Second, as children get older, they naturally push for more independence. If you aren’t able to gradually let go, you may feel useless, unloved, and angry that you’re being pushed away. This is especially true if you’re dealing with pre-teens and teens, who seem to feel that the best way to assert their independence is to inflict emotional damage on their parents.

Third, the expectations you have for your children—for example, their ability to play tennis and baseball—may be out of whack with what they’re actually physically or mentally able to do.

What to do?

• Think hard. There’s a big difference between not liking your children and not liking their behavior. Sometimes it’s hard to separate the two, but it’s important to try.
• Read up on temperament. Some kids are naturally easier to get along with than others. In addition, certain parent-child personality combinations are more explosive than others. Understanding your child’s—and your—temperament can really help.
• Read up on child development. Understanding what’s normal and what’s not for children your kids’ age, should increase your patience and enjoyment levels.
• To be blunt, grow up a little. If you feel that you’ve made major sacrifices for your children (giving up hobbies or interests, spending ungodly amounts of money on private schools, etc), you may resent them. Yelling and seeing them as disappointing or irritating could be your way of getting back at them. But this is your life. Start learning to accept the things you can’t change, and focus instead on changing the things you can (your attitude, for example, or the need to transition from “daddy who knows everything” to “daddy the mentor who gives advice when it’s asked for”). There’s a good chance that your kids will eventually grow out of their behavior issues, and grow into being able to perform the way you think they should. But if you stay on the track you’re on, you’ll have destroyed any hope for a good relationship with them long before that happens. That said, the fact that you care enough about them and being a good dad to write, makes me think you’ll never let things get that far.

Dear Readers: A few essmonths ago I devoted this column to correcting some of the common mistakes people make when writing. The response was overwhelming. Of course, a few people thought the whole topic was idiotic (I’d worry if everyone agreed with me all the time) but the majority of emails were positive. And many of you sent in your own pet peeves. One question that came up several times was, “What does this have to do with parenting?” Fair enough. The answer is simple: Being able to communicate effectively is a very valuable skill—one I worry isn’t getting the attention it deserves in many classrooms (and homes).

At some point, our sons and daughters are going to find themselves needing to write something important—whether it’s a 4th grade book report, a high-school term paper, a college admissions essay, a job application, or a critical whitepaper for the CEO. And while I don’t believe that usage errors—even those that change a sentence’s meaning or render it completely meaningless—indicate a lack of intelligence, they don’t make the writer look particularly bright. And “not particularly bright” isn’t a trait that’s in high demand. Anywhere.

Here, then, are a few more common mistakes, many of which were suggested by our readers.

Then vs. than. “Bill has more hair on his chest then Bob,” or “The beautician waxed Bill than Bob.” Both are wrong. “Then” relates to time (eat your vegetables, then you get dessert), while “than” indicates a comparison (the United States is bigger than Cuba).

Their vs. there vs. they’re. “There” is a place (we’re having dinner over there); “their” is a possessive (did you steal their silverware?; while “they’re” is a contraction of “they” and “are” (they’re calling the police).

Few vs. less. These two mean essentially the same thing, but they’re used differently. The rule is that if you can reasonably count whatever it is that you’re talking about, use “few.” If you can’t, use “less.” For example, “eat fewer meat balls and less salt.”

Disinterested vs. uninterested. If you’re disinterested, you don’t have a bias or an interest in the outcome (judges should be disinterested). If you’re uninterested, you have no interest, you don’t care, or you’re just bored (judges should definitely not be uninterested).

Advise vs. advice. Advise is a verb—it’s what you’re doing when you offer suggestions. Advice is a noun, the actual pearls of wisdom you’re giving.

Accept vs. except. To accept is to receive—advice, perhaps, or a bribe. Except draws attention to something that’s not included. (You might think of the x as EXcluding). For example, “The auction accepts donations of everything except live animals.”

Assure vs. ensure vs. insure. To assure is an indication of confidence, a guarantee (I assure you that all this English usage stuff is important); To ensure is to make certain of (please ensure that you turn off the gas before you light any matches); and to insure is to purchase insurance.

Flesh out vs. flush out. Flesh out means adding detail to something (imagine flesh on bones); Flush out is to chase something (or someone or some animal) out of hiding (hunting dogs flush ducks out of the reeds).

Flout vs. flaunt. To flout is to deliberately disobey a law or rule (like smoking in an airplane restroom). To flaunt is to show off (Bob flaunted his newly shaved chest).

Literally. “The tension was so thick you could literally cut it with a knife.” No you couldn’t. Literally means that what you’re saying next is not an exaggeration

Dear Mr. Dad: My two children, 8 and 10, have never gotten along. They fight over the smallest things, so our house is a constant battleground. I’ve heard of sibling rivalry but this seems more serious. We’ve tried sitting them down and talking to them, time-outs, and such, but nothing ever changes. What can we do to make it stop?

A: Well, you can start by giving up on the idea that your kids are going to stop fighting. As parents, we want our children to get along, share, and love each other—it makes life so much easier (and quieter) if they do. But they won’t. As long as there have been siblings—all the way back to Cain and Abel—there has been sibling rivalry. Part of it has to do with competition.

Our society is based on performance and we generally reward people who outperform others. Do better in school, go to a better college. Sell more widgets, earn a trip to Hawaii. Win a championship, get a trophy (or at least one that’s bigger than what everyone else gets for just showing up). It’s understandable how siblings might feel that they have to compete with each other—for your attention, your praise, your love. And unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you can’t give your kids equal amounts.

In a lot of cases, parents (and other adults or people of authority) inadvertently encourage rivalry by favoring one child over another. They probably don’t mean to but it happens anyway. Have you ever found yourself saying something like, “Why can’t you get good grades like your brother?” or “Maybe you should try another activity. Billy is a better athlete than you are”? Or perhaps you heard someone approach the sibling of a top performing child and say, “Your sister is so amazing. It must be so great to have a sister like that”?

There’s no way to completely stop siblings from fighting. But you can help them do it less destructively:
• Go on dates with each child, giving him or her your undivided attention.
• Don’t play favorites and don’t compare your children. They’re different people with different needs. Pay attention to those differences and act accordingly, making each child feel special in his or her own way.
• Understand that you’re going to fail sometimes. It takes an incredibly long time for kids to truly learn that “fair” and “the same” are two completely different things.
• Ask your kids—one at a time—to help you understand why they’re fighting so much. Encourage as much detail as possible (comments like, “He’s not nice to me,” or “She drives me crazy,” won’t cut it). And listen carefully to their answers. If there are legitimate issues, schedule a family meeting to talk them through.
• Establish ground rules. Arguments are okay. Physical violence and name calling are not.
• Intervene less. Jumping in—unless it’s absolutely necessary—keeps them from learning to resolve their differences on their own. If you do have to get involved, try not to take sides. Get everyone calm and then discuss the issues.
• Look on the bright side. As unpleasant as your children’s behavior is to be around, it may actually be good for them. By fighting with each other, they’re learning about empathy, negotiation, conflict resolution, effective and ineffective ways to handle arguments, and how to win gracefully and lose with dignity.
• Model good behavior. If you and your wife can argue, compromise, and make up, your kids may learn to do the same.