Dear Mr. Dad. This is a little touchy but here goes. I have two sons ages 11 and 9. My oldest seems overly shy when it comes to changing clothes in front of other guys. My golfing buddy (whose kids are the same age as mine) and I occasionally take our boys to the country club pool. Because of pool chemicals, we insist that the boys shower and change clothes after swimming. The showers and locker room are communal. Even when it’s only our boys in the locker room they say my son showers in his swimsuit and then goes in a toilet stall to change. I talked with him in private and told him there's nothing wrong with being naked in a locker room, but it hasn't helped. Should I be concerned? My buddy thinks I should force him to change with the others to help him get over his shyness. Is he right?

A: Don’t listen to your buddy. Forcing your son to get naked in front of others will only make the situation worse.

Taking your son aside for a private conversation was great first step, but you’ll need to have another heart-to-heart (or two or three) to find out what he’s truly worried about. There are a lot of possibilities:

Is he shy or self-conscious? Some kids are just plain private. If he’s one of them, either let him keep doing his routine or have him shower at home. However, you might point out that taking a shower in his swimsuit might attract even more attention than just being nude. Also tell him that he’s in the majority: most people don’t like communal showers. In fact, it’s so common that many public schools have either installed private showers or banned showers altogether.

Is he different? Tweens are notoriously cruel to anyone who doesn’t seem normal (and their definition of “normal” can be pretty harsh). If your son is overweight or skinny, too tall or too thin, has straight hair or curly, he may fear that the other kids will make fun of him.

How mature is he? If your son is going through puberty and has spouted more chest and genital hair than other kids his age, he may feel embarrassed about his body. The same is true if he has less hair than the other guys. He needs to know that people mature at different ages and speeds. If you’re really worried, talk with his pediatrician.
Is he worried about hygiene? Locker rooms are breeding grounds for all sorts of fungi and bacteria. And showers—despite the fact that there’s a lot of soap around—aren’t much better. People aren’t supposed to spit or urinate in there, but we all know that plenty do.

Below the belt. Most males over the age of 10 feel the need to compare themselves with others. If your son is circumcised and many of the other kids aren’t—or vice versa—he may dread being different. If he’s ever had an erection in the shower (which is very, very common and can be triggered by something as simple as warm water running on his crotch), he may be mortified. And then there’s the daddy of all shower problems: size. This is another issue of people maturing at different rates. Chances are, your son is just fine in this area. You can reassure him that most of the other kids will be so worried about their own package that they won’t be paying any attention to his.

Dear Mr. Dad: As the school year draws to a close, I’m getting worried about my 9-year old daughter. She’s just an average student and really hates to do homework. I worry that she’ll forget a lot of what she learned over this past year and she’ll start fifth grade even further behind than she already is. What can we do?

A: I’m torn about this. On one hand, I think summers are a time for resting up, having fun, giving the mind a little time to recharge. Unfortunately, with so many kids booked into wall-to-wall camps and activities, summer can be even busier than the school year and recharging—at least mentally—is out of the question.

On the other hand, there’s the Summer Brain Drain, which is exactly what you’re worried about. Students lose, on average, 2 – 2.5 months of academic skills over the summer. Math and spelling are the subjects that get hit the hardest. Put a little differently, teachers have to spend the first month or two of the academic year reviewing material students learned—but didn’t retain—the year before. Here are a few ideas for how you might be able to plug the brain drain—or at least slow the leak down…

• Visit the library. Most have great summer reading programs, complete with prizes for achieving reading goals.
• Read at home. You and your child should take turns reading to each other every night, for 15-30 minutes each.
• Look into summer schools. Sadly, only 10-20 percent of students attend one. But if your child is already weak in a subject or two, this is a great time to catch up—or possibly even get ahead.
• Ask the teacher your child will have next year to let you borrow a few textbooks. He or she may be able to give you a summer reading list. At the very least, you can make doing a handful of math problems a prerequisite for playing computer games.
• Don’t forget about writing. I’m not just talking about spelling and grammar—although both are important. I recently interviewed Jennifer Hallissy, author of The Write Start, who told me that “the speed and ease of children’s writing can have a major impact on their overall academic success.” Efficient writers take better notes—which makes studying a lot easier, regardless of the subject—and consistently get higher scores on written exams. Jennifer’s book has dozens of easy-to-implement activities for kids of any age.
• Make learning fun. Of course, there are the usual standbys: trips to the zoo, museums, and planetariums. But you might also check out a few books that are filled with fun, entertaining (and, gasp, educational—but your child will never notice) activities. I’m really like the Geek Dad series by Ken Denmead, The Daring Book for Girls series by AndreaBuchanan and Miriam Peskowitz, and Sean Connolly’s The Book of Potentially Catastrophic Science, which isn’t nearly as dangerous as it sounds.

With the big day just around the corner, we’ve been working frantically to evaluate our largest-ever field of submissions for the MrDad.com Seal of Approval and GreatDad Recommends awards. This season’s winners include:

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The complete list—as well as submission guidelines for new products and services—is at mrdad.com/seal.

Dear Mr. Dad: I hope this doesn’t sound too crazy, but here goes. My 7-year old son has been telling me for a while that he “hears colors.” I asked him what he meant and he told me that when he says the alphabet or counts, or when people say certain words, he sometimes sees colors. At first I thought he might be having some kind of hallucinations, but he seems perfectly fine in every other area of his life. Is this anything to worry about?

A: From what you describe, it sounds like your son may have a neurological condition called synesthesia. That’s when stimulating one sense—such as your son’s sense of hearing—also triggers the sensation of another one—the colors he perceives. (I have to admit that I only recently learned about synesthesia while doing an interview with Maureen Seaberg, the author of a fascinating book called, Tasting the Universe.

While synesthesia is a condition, it’s by no means a disease. In fact, many see it as a gift, and research shows that synesthetes (people who have synesthesia) often have higher-than-average IQs. While the condition (there’s that word again) may affect as much as five percent of the population, it tends to run in families, and it’s much more common among artists, writers, other creative people (synesthetes are also more likely to be left handed.)

There are actually quite a few different types of synesthesia which can involve any of the senses (although usually only two at a time). Some find that reading, saying, or even thinking certain words triggers a taste, which may explain why these folks sometimes have trouble focusing on what they’re reading. Others, like your son, see colors when they read. Still others hear sounds when they move in certain ways or even see certain kinds of movement. Personally, I find this stuff absolutely fascinating.

What’s especially interesting is that for kids, the connection between the senses may change—the numbers your son sees as turquoise today may be a different color later. But in adulthood, things solidify. For example, if the word antelope is blue or smells like licorice, or if Lady Gaga’s voice tastes like strawberries, it always will.

Quite a few famous people have or had synesthesia. In an interview with Seaberg, violinist Itzhak Perlman says that when he plays a B-flat on the G string he sees a deep forest green, while an A on the E string is red. Musician and producer Pharnell Williams (who’s written songs for Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Nelly, and many more) says that his music-to-color synesthesia is his “only reference for understanding.” Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman saw equations in color. And actress Tilda Swinton hears food: The word “table,” for example, tastes like cake, while the word “tomato,” reportedly tastes like a lemon instead of, well, a tomato.

So the bottom line is that unless your son’s affects your son’s life in a negative way, there’s nothing to worry about. But if you truly are worried, ask your pediatrician for some guidance. If you’re interested in finding out more about synesthesia on your own, Tasting the Universe is a great place to start. The Synesthesia Resource Center (bluecatsandchartreusekittens.com) has all sorts of tasty pieces of information. You might also want to have your son take the synesthesia battery at synesthete.org. In fact, take it yourself.

Dear Mr. Dad: I'm concerned about my 12-year-old son. He’s been putting on a lot of weight lately and I’m worried that he’s going to develop some serious health problems. I've tried to interest him in doing more physical activity, but it doesn't seem to work. How do I keep my kid from becoming just another statistic?

A: First of all, you deserve a big round of applause. Recent studies have found that over 60 percent of parents of overweight 10-12-year-olds don’t think their child has a problem. Neither do about 90 percent of parents of overweight 4-8 year olds. The fact that you’re concerned is wonderful.

Childhood obesity is a big problem—and it’s getting worse every day. Over the last three decades, overall obesity rates for children doubled. For adolescents, the rate tripled. Today, a third of kids 10 to 17 are overweight—half of them qualify as obese. Overweight and obese kids have an increased risk of developing high blood pressure, high cholesterol, respiratory and orthopedic problems, and Type 2 diabetes. That’s while they’re still kids. Over 80 percent of obese children become obese adults, and those health problems become even more dangerous. There’s also evidence that obesity also affects kids in non-life-threatening ways, including their academic performance, social development, and even their career success.

Your first order of business is to get your son to a doctor. This is important for a number of reasons. He or she will be able to tell exactly how overweight your son actually is. Children go through growth spurts, and often put on a bit of extra weight before shooting up in height. There’s also a chance—albeit a pretty slim one—that you’re wrong about your son and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Next on the list is to make sure your child is getting enough exercise. Current recommendations are that all of us—adults and children—should get an hour of sweat-inducing exercise every day. Unfortunately, less than a third of children 6-17 get even 20 minutes/day. And don’t count on your child getting that exercise at school. Budget problems have reduced or eliminated many physical education programs.

Limiting TV and video game time is critical. The Kaiser Family Foundation recently found that kids 8-18 spend an average of six hours/day in front of one kind of screen or another. While some of that time is clearly important, a lot isn’t. So let your son earn his screen time by putting in an equal amount of hours doing physical activity. If he balks, at least pick up some games for whatever device you have (X-Box, Wii, etc). Some of the new motion-sensing titles may be more successful in getting your son off the couch than you are.

Of course you should pay attention to your son’s diet, but don’t forget about his drinks. We all know that sugary sodas are bad news. But fruit juice isn’t much better. You can minimize problems by insisting on regular (and healthy) family dinners, a good breakfast, drinking more water, and banning junk-food snacks from your home. Also, make sure your son gets enough sleep—9-10 hours/night. Less than that increases his obesity risk.

Finally, take a look at your own behavior. Are you practicing what you’re preaching? At 12, your son is paying more attention to what you do than what you say. But your words are still important. So rather than focus on his weight, talk to him about his health. Coming down too hard could backfire and make the problem worse.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a single dad with an 8-year-old daughter. She and I are very close, but something has come between us: her hair. She sees other girls her age on TV, movies, or even at school and they all seem to have these amazing hairstyles and fancy arrangements. My daughter keeps asking me to do something like that for her, but I’m not even completely sure I understand the difference between pigtails and ponytails. I can see that to my daughter, hair is a big deal and I’d really like to give her what she wants. Any suggestions?

A: Boy (okay, I should say “girl”), can I empathize. As the father of three daughters I can’t even count the number of times I had my nails painted, face powdered, and eyes smeared with mascara. Or the number of hours I spent conditioning hair (not mine) and combing out snarls that seemed big enough to house an entire family of hawks. Or the days I spent shaking my head in amazement as a straight-haired -daughter used some kind of medieval torture instrument to curl her hair, while her wavy-haired sister used an equally frightening tool to straighten hers. So I definitely feel your pain. The good news is that there is hope. The even better news is that the fact that your daughter wants you to help her with your hair is a huge compliment. It may seem a little silly to you, but every minute you spend elbow-deep in your daughter’s locks brings you closer together and strengthens your relationship.

The first thing you need to do is get familiar with the tools of the trade—which can be more than a little intimidating. Since your daughter is only eight, you probably won’t have to worry about hair dryers, rollers, or curling and straightening irons for another few years. If you’re lucky. But spend a few minutes walking the hair-care aisles at your local drug store and check out the 6,375 types of brushes, combs, and accessories. There’s a big difference between a scrunchie and a regular pony tail holder (do not, under any circumstances, use a rubber band); butterfly clips, snap clips, and barrettes; hard headbands and stretchy ones.

If you have any energy left, take a quick walk through the shampoo department and get ready to refinance your house. You may be able to get away with the Costco brand right now, but take a lesson from my oldest daughter who came back home after her freshman year of college. After rummaging through every closet in the house, she held up a bottle of generic shampoo and sneeringly asked, “don’t you have anything more expensive?”

Now all that’s left is to roll up your sleeves and start creating designer ‘dos. For that, I recommend Cozy Friedman’s Guide to Girls’ Hair: The Cutest Cuts and Sweetest Hairstyles to Do at Home. Friedman, a New York kids’ stylist, will walk you through creating ponytails, pigtails, braids (French, heart, ,mini, and others) along with a rather optimistic estimate of how long it might take to do.

If you’re looking for other ways to strengthen your relationship with your daughter, you’ll definitely want to check out the winners of the Spring 2011 Mr. Dad Seal of Approval. You’ll find a huge variety, including the Xploderz XRanger 2000 firing system (xploderz.com), SnoozeShade (snoozeshade.com), DoodleRoll art kits (doodleroll.com), a great smock from Koobli (koobli.com), Periodic Quest chemistry game (periodicquest.com), the Pocket Referee (thepocketreferee.com), fantastic games from Bananagrams (bananagrams.com) and many more. The full list is at mrdad.com/seal.

Dear Mr. Dad: As a woman who grew up in the 1970s, I’ve always supported feminism, which did a great job of getting people to pay attention to women’s issues. But now, as the mother of three boys, I think we might have gone too far. Girl power is everywhere these days, and it has become perfectly acceptable to make fun of boys and cut them down. I see how this affects my sons and I’m really worried. What is going on here?

A: This may set off a firestorm, but here goes. First, you’re right—what feminsm accomplished in improving the quality of life for women and girls has been nothing short of spectacular. And I’d never want to take any of that back. Unfortunately, while females were advancing, boys and men have been losing ground. A lot of ground. Here are just a few examples.

• Women live five years longer than men and have lower death rates of nine of the top ten causes of death. Females 12 and older are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression, but four times more men than women commit suicide.
• Seventy-eight percent of the jobs lost in the current recession had been held by men. In our society, where we tend to rate men by their paychecks, the “He-cession” has already led to increases in male depression and suicide.
• Boys are bombarded with messages about how bad/dangerous/stupid males are. Girls as young as four believe they’re smarter, work harder, behave better than boys, according to a 2010 study. By age eight, boys also believe that girls are superior in these areas. The fault apparently lies with primary school teachers (about 90 percent are female) who demand that boys conform to a more feminine (AKA quieter) style of behavior, and reinforce the idea that boys are academically inferior. Teachers’ positive expectations for girls—and negative ones for boys—become self-fulfilling prophecies, say the researchers. No surprise, then, that in 8th grade, girls are twice as likely as boys to be proficient in writing, and 50 percent more likely to be proficient in reading? Or that throughout school, boys get worse grades, are expelled three times more often, and are more likely to repeat a grade or drop out entirely? Given that, it’s easy to understand why men account for only 43 percent of college students and receive only 40 percent of advanced degrees.

There’s a major crisis brewing in this country and we need to do something about it. Now. In 2009, President Obama created the White House Council on Women and Girls. For the past six months, I’ve been part of a group of men and women whose goal has been to create a similar council for men and boys, hoping to achieve for males what the women’s movement so brilliantly did for women. Sadly, the Administration has been reluctant to even look at the proposal.

I know that some people will say that it’s only fair that girls are doing better than boys. After all, the logic goes, men have historically done better than women. Whether that has ever been true is debatable—we’ll talk more about this in future columns. But as the father of three girls, I don’t want my daughters growing up seeing themselves as victims anymore than you want your sons to see themselves as victimizers—or hopeless cases. As a country, we can’t allow ourselves to focus so much on past perceived injustices that we ignore what’s happening right in front of our faces.