Dear Mr. Dad: My daughter is 19 and has been in rehab three times. When she was five, her mother died and my daughter was placed in foster care because I wasn’t mentally stable enough to care for her. She was then adopted by her foster parents, but they divorced. Now I’ve got my life together and she’s coming back to live with me. How do we re-establish trust and rebuild our relationship after all these years? I’m scared and don’t know what to do.

A: Wow, what a difficult situation for both of you. But most of all for your daughter. She lost her mom at a young age and has been shuttled around between different homes and families ever since. You don’t say what kind of addiction issues she had that landed her in rehab so many times, but it’s pretty safe to assume that it has something to do with her unstable life. You also don’t mention whether the two of you had any contact at all over the past 14 years, or whether you’ll be building your father-daughter relationship completely from scratch.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are relatively well off and can give our kids whatever they want. But how can we be generous without spoiling them rotten?

A: First of all, change your perspective: think in terms of giving them what they need instead of what they want. That said, if by “generous” you mean giving your time and love to your children, there's no need to limit your generosity. The kids will benefit from spending time with you and your wife (and you will too), whether you're just hanging out, taking walks, talking, or doing something more structured–none of which needs to cost anything at all.

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Dear Mr. Dad: Our 15-year-old son wants to quit school and get a job. He has struggled academically but we always assumed he’d graduate and go on to college. We’re trying hard to dissuade him from quitting, but he says he can always get a GED later. What can we do?

A: Having been in exactly the same spot as your son—and having a teenager of my own who’s talked about leaving school—I don’t think that most high-schoolers are mature enough to make decisions on their own about things that could affect them for the rest of their lives.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My 12-year-old daughter spent most of the summer at various camps and came back just before school started. While she was away she was allowed to stay up as late as she wanted. Now that she's home she's insisting that she's old enough to stay up late. I'm sure that it's unhealthy for her to get so little sleep, but I don't know how to get her back on track. Do you have any tips for me?

A: Bottom line, your daughter couldn't be more wrong. Sleep is important. Period. And not just for little kids. She might have spent the summer staying up late, but now that she’s back in school, it’s essential that she get back into a healthy sleep routine.

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Dear Mr. Dad: We just got back from shopping and I noticed that my 7-year-old son had a small toy in his pocket. When I asked where he got it, he said he “took” it from the store. I can’t believe my child shoplifts—that is not how we raised him. What should I do?

A: Children steal for a variety of reasons. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t know they’re “stealing.” In their minds they’re just taking something that they really want to have. They haven’t yet developed enough self-control or a strong sense of right and wrong—let alone the difference between legal and illegal—to make them keep their hands in their pockets. They don’t understand that it’s not okay to take other people’s stuff without paying for it. Fortunately, they’re pretty compliant and a word or two from a parent about why stealing is wrong is usually enough to keep it from happening again. At least for a while.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband is 42 but often hangs out with our 13-year-old son and his friends, acting like a kid himself. Am I wrong to want my husband to act his age instead of trying to be our boy’s buddy?

A: There’s nothing wrong with expecting your husband to be a good role model–a mature, responsible, and trustworthy individual your son can look up to, respect, and admire.

But the fact that your husband spends time with your son and his friends doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not good role model material or that he’s shirking his responsibilities. There are a lot of factors to consider here. For example, what is he doing with the boys? If they’re occasionally hanging out in the garage and building a train set, or playing ball in the backyard, those are perfectly good bonding activities and your son can only benefit from this quality time he’s spending with his dad (and Dad will benefit too).

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Dear Mr. Dad: Though my husband is only in his early forties, he recently suffered a heart attack. He’s back home now and the prognosis is good, but our children, ages 9 and 11, saw everything and are very worried about him. How do we reassure them that Dad is fine?

A: Witnessing a parent’s illness (mental or physical), or a sudden medical emergency can indeed be very troubling to a youngster—and plenty upsetting to a spouse as well). It’s even more disturbing if the kids saw paramedics performing CPR or taking away their father in an ambulance.

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Dear Mr. Dad. My husband’s father had several heart attacks and recently died of prostate cancer. That means he's in a high risk group and should have regular physicals and screenings. But despite having good insurance, he refuses to make an appointment. I'm worried about him—and our 13-year old son who's already modeling his behavior on his daddy’s. What can I do?

A: Unfortunately, your husband is far from alone. From the time we’re little boys, we’re conditioned to believe that we’re bulletproof and that showing pain is a sign of weakness. It’s that whole “big boys don’t cry” thing. No wonder only about half as many men as women have a regular physician, and men make one fourth the number of doctor visits.
The results of this lackadaisical attitude are startling: We’re twice as likely to die of heart, lung, and liver diseases. We’re forty percent more likely to die of cancer and 20 percent more likely to die of a stroke. In 1920, women outlived men by an average of one year. Today it's almost seven.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My son is starting college–more than 1000 miles from home–in the fall. He's a remarkably responsible young man when it comes to academics and getting jobs. But he's hopelessly naive about things like identity theft, credit card fraud, and the like. I don't want to panic him but I think he needs to know a little bit more about how the world works. How can we convince him to pay more attention to his own security?

A: Well, the good news is that you and your son are absolutely typical of parents and young adults these days. Unfortunately, that's also the bad news.

I had a horrifyingly eye-opening conversation with Robert Siciliano, a college and personal security expert. According to Bob, four out of five Americans will be the victims of some kind of theft or fraud during their lifetime. Most adults say they're concerned about things like identity theft and they've taken steps like installing antivirus and Internet protection software on their computers and shredding personal documents. And about 80 percent of parents of college kids say they've talked with their children about these and other safety precautions. Sadly, the majority of the kids themselves seem to be suffering from a serious case of "it can't happen to me" syndrome.

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Dear Mr. Dad: Like a lot of couples these days, my wife and I are going through some tough times. We argue about everything–but especially money. How can we work through these issues without stressing out the kids?

A: As the economy continues to stagnate and families find themselves having to adjust to a very different life than the one they'd planned, this is a question I get more and more often. The truth is that all couples go through some tough times at various points. And, as much as we'd like to pretend our adult troubles aren't affecting our kids, we're dead wrong. Kids have a much better idea of what's going on than we give them credit for, and they definitely feel the stress and uncertainty that come with knowing that their parents are less than completely happy with each other.
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