Dear Mr. Dad: As the school year draws to a close, I’m getting worried about my 9-year old daughter. She’s just an average student and really hates to do homework. I worry that she’ll forget a lot of what she learned over this past year and she’ll start fifth grade even further behind than she already is. What can we do?

A: I’m torn about this. On one hand, I think summers are a time for resting up, having fun, giving the mind a little time to recharge. Unfortunately, with so many kids booked into wall-to-wall camps and activities, summer can be even busier than the school year and recharging—at least mentally—is out of the question.

On the other hand, there’s the Summer Brain Drain, which is exactly what you’re worried about. Students lose, on average, 2 – 2.5 months of academic skills over the summer. Math and spelling are the subjects that get hit the hardest. Put a little differently, teachers have to spend the first month or two of the academic year reviewing material students learned—but didn’t retain—the year before. Here are a few ideas for how you might be able to plug the brain drain—or at least slow the leak down…

• Visit the library. Most have great summer reading programs, complete with prizes for achieving reading goals.
• Read at home. You and your child should take turns reading to each other every night, for 15-30 minutes each.
• Look into summer schools. Sadly, only 10-20 percent of students attend one. But if your child is already weak in a subject or two, this is a great time to catch up—or possibly even get ahead.
• Ask the teacher your child will have next year to let you borrow a few textbooks. He or she may be able to give you a summer reading list. At the very least, you can make doing a handful of math problems a prerequisite for playing computer games.
• Don’t forget about writing. I’m not just talking about spelling and grammar—although both are important. I recently interviewed Jennifer Hallissy, author of The Write Start, who told me that “the speed and ease of children’s writing can have a major impact on their overall academic success.” Efficient writers take better notes—which makes studying a lot easier, regardless of the subject—and consistently get higher scores on written exams. Jennifer’s book has dozens of easy-to-implement activities for kids of any age.
• Make learning fun. Of course, there are the usual standbys: trips to the zoo, museums, and planetariums. But you might also check out a few books that are filled with fun, entertaining (and, gasp, educational—but your child will never notice) activities. I’m really like the Geek Dad series by Ken Denmead, The Daring Book for Girls series by AndreaBuchanan and Miriam Peskowitz, and Sean Connolly’s The Book of Potentially Catastrophic Science, which isn’t nearly as dangerous as it sounds.

With the big day just around the corner, we’ve been working frantically to evaluate our largest-ever field of submissions for the MrDad.com Seal of Approval and GreatDad Recommends awards. This season’s winners include:

<ul>

<li>A very cool, reusable kit for building a kid-sized fire station, from Box-O-Mania (boxomania.com)
<li>Spanish language learning DVDs and CDs, from Whistlefritz (whistlefritz.com)
<li>A fun, Jack-in-the-Beanstalk play-and-book-in-a-box from InnovativeKids (innovativekids.com)
<li>Web Hunt and Oh, Really? Two engaging family games from Find It Games (finditgames.com)

</ul>
The complete list—as well as submission guidelines for new products and services—is at mrdad.com/seal.

Dear Mr. Dad: I hope this doesn’t sound too crazy, but here goes. My 7-year old son has been telling me for a while that he “hears colors.” I asked him what he meant and he told me that when he says the alphabet or counts, or when people say certain words, he sometimes sees colors. At first I thought he might be having some kind of hallucinations, but he seems perfectly fine in every other area of his life. Is this anything to worry about?

A: From what you describe, it sounds like your son may have a neurological condition called synesthesia. That’s when stimulating one sense—such as your son’s sense of hearing—also triggers the sensation of another one—the colors he perceives. (I have to admit that I only recently learned about synesthesia while doing an interview with Maureen Seaberg, the author of a fascinating book called, Tasting the Universe.

While synesthesia is a condition, it’s by no means a disease. In fact, many see it as a gift, and research shows that synesthetes (people who have synesthesia) often have higher-than-average IQs. While the condition (there’s that word again) may affect as much as five percent of the population, it tends to run in families, and it’s much more common among artists, writers, other creative people (synesthetes are also more likely to be left handed.)

There are actually quite a few different types of synesthesia which can involve any of the senses (although usually only two at a time). Some find that reading, saying, or even thinking certain words triggers a taste, which may explain why these folks sometimes have trouble focusing on what they’re reading. Others, like your son, see colors when they read. Still others hear sounds when they move in certain ways or even see certain kinds of movement. Personally, I find this stuff absolutely fascinating.

What’s especially interesting is that for kids, the connection between the senses may change—the numbers your son sees as turquoise today may be a different color later. But in adulthood, things solidify. For example, if the word antelope is blue or smells like licorice, or if Lady Gaga’s voice tastes like strawberries, it always will.

Quite a few famous people have or had synesthesia. In an interview with Seaberg, violinist Itzhak Perlman says that when he plays a B-flat on the G string he sees a deep forest green, while an A on the E string is red. Musician and producer Pharnell Williams (who’s written songs for Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Nelly, and many more) says that his music-to-color synesthesia is his “only reference for understanding.” Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman saw equations in color. And actress Tilda Swinton hears food: The word “table,” for example, tastes like cake, while the word “tomato,” reportedly tastes like a lemon instead of, well, a tomato.

So the bottom line is that unless your son’s affects your son’s life in a negative way, there’s nothing to worry about. But if you truly are worried, ask your pediatrician for some guidance. If you’re interested in finding out more about synesthesia on your own, Tasting the Universe is a great place to start. The Synesthesia Resource Center (bluecatsandchartreusekittens.com) has all sorts of tasty pieces of information. You might also want to have your son take the synesthesia battery at synesthete.org. In fact, take it yourself.

Dear Mr. Dad: Is it ever appropriate to discipline other people’s children? My 7-year-old daughter often invites one of her classmates to our home. I don’t mind, but this girl is a terror and does things (like jumping on furniture) that my child is not allowed to. I spoke to her mom about it but she just laughed and said, “Allie is a very lively girl.” How can I handle this situation without depriving my daughter of her friend’s company?

A: There’s a difference between disciplining children while their parents are present, and a situation like yours, when a child is dropped off at your house and left in your care.

Generally speaking, if a parent is present, it is up to him or her to ensure that their children are not misbehaving—and to discipline them if and when necessary. There are, of course, some exceptions. Say another child is acting aggressively at a playground and pushing yours off the swings or slide. In an ideal world, the offending kid’s parent would immediately react and remove the child from the playground. But what if the parent is ignoring the child’s behavior? At that point,, you certainly have the right (and, in my view, the responsibility) to step in and do what you need to do (without hurting the other child, of course), to protect your daughter from harm.

The same would apply if a child was doing something to harm another kid—not yours—at the park or anywhere else. When someone is in danger of harming themselves or anyone else, as a responsible adult, you must step in. Think how bad you’d feel if something tragic were to happen that you know you could have prevented.

It’s a pity that Allie’s mom laughs off her daughter’s behavior, missing the opportunity to teach her child some basic lessons in courtesy and respect. I’m betting that little Allie has very lenient (if any) rules at home, and hasn’t learned how to behave in other people’s homes. At seven, though, she should certainly know what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t.

It goes without saying that in your home, Allie should follow your rules. (It’d be the same with adult visitors: If you have a non-smoking household, you have every right to demand that your guests either respect your rules or leave.)

The next time Allie (or another child) comes for a play date, be very clear about what the rules are. Of course, you don’t want to be overly strict (after all, she’s there to have fun), but the children’s safety and your comfort should be your priority. It’s absolutely reasonable to expect that visitors—whether they’re kids, adults, or pets—not jump on your furniture, yell, make a mess (without cleaning up afterwards), or turn on the TV without asking first.

If Allie keeps breaking the rules, you have every right to discipline her by telling her that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in your home, and she has to stop. Be calm but firm. But never shout at someone else’s child. You might also want to include your daughter in the warning if she’s involved in the activity too.

If you ‘re consistent in reminding Allie what the rules are, chances are she’ll start to follow them, even if they’re different from what she’s allowed to do in her own home. Of course, if she continues to misbehave—especially if she’s endangering or harming your child, or damaging your belonging—it might just be time for your daughter to find some other, better-behaved playmates.

Dear Mr. Dad: My daughter, who is 3 ½, is still in her “NO!” phase. Anything I tell her to do, she categorically refuses. I was prepared for the “terrible two’s”, but thought she would have outgrown them by now. Is there anything I can do?

A: No, no, no! Just kidding. There are plenty of things you can do to help. But before we get to them, let’s try to figure out why your daughter has become so attached to the N word.
To start with, she’s still trying to establish her independence. And one of the best ways (at least in her mind) is to let you know who’s in charge. (Fair warning: This exact, nerve-wracking dynamic will crop up again when she hits her teen years.)

It’s also possible that her knee-jerk negativity is part of her temperament. A child who doesn’t react well to change or needs extra time to warm up to new situations may throw out a No as a way of maintaining the status quo. Third, your daughter may be confused or might not understand what you’re asking/telling her to do. More on that in a minute.
Whatever the reason(s), here are some approaches that should help.

• Make sure she knows the difference between negotiable and non-negotiable rules. Health and safety issues (for example, always wearing a helmet when riding your bike or holding your hand when crossing the street) are not; less important things (like what color the helmet is or whether she holds your right or left hand) are.
• Don’t pull rank. Telling her, “I’m big, you’re little, so my way goes,” won’t produce the results you’re looking for.
• Stay away from Yes/No questions. Instead of, “Please put your jacket on,” try, “Do you want to wear the red jacket or the blue one?” This may not seem important, but making simple decisions like these now is a prerequisite for making bigger—and more important—ones later (like, “Should I get into a car with a friend who’s been drinking?”)Every child, regardless of age, needs a certain amount of independence in order to develop the confidence necessary for decision-making.
• Be logical. If your child says No when you tell her to put on her helmet, instead of repeating your demand, try something like, “Oh, I see that you don’t really want to ride your bike today.”
• Wait a minute and ask again—gently. No doesn’t always mean No. Sometimes it means, “Pay more attention to me.”
• One thing at a time. If someone told you to put down your markers, stop playing with your toys, clean up the living room, go upstairs, wash your hands, come back down, and eat dinner, you’d probably say No too.
• Eye contact. It’s easier for her to refuse if she’s not looking at you than if she is.
• Do a No audit. We all use No a lot more often than Yes. Could you reasonably switch some of those No’s to Yeses—or at least to short explanations (helmets are important because they protect our heads in case we fall off our bikes)? And be sure to reward good behavior. Never pass up an opportunity to give your daughter a high five.
• Be a good model. You can’t expect your child to do things you don’t.

Father’s Day is just around the corner, which means that we’re accepting submissions for the MrDad Seal of Approval, which recognizes products and services that encourage and support father-child relationships. Visit mrdad.com/seal for more details.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have two kids from a previous marriage, ages 7 and 9. My new husband’s two children are almost the same age and spend every weekend and all holidays with us. Problem is, my kids and the step-kids don’t get along. In fact, it seems like they hate each other and they spend most of their time together fighting and bickering. My husband and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

A: Sounds like a really unpleasant situation for everyone involved—kids and adults. But before we can start looking at possible solutions, it’s important to try to understand why your home becomes a battlefield every weekend.

From your biological children’s point of view, their home (and possibly their rooms) aren’t theirs any longer. Their once-familiar and comfortable physical and emotional spaces have been invaded by strangers. Like dogs, children are creatures of habit and they may be feeling more than a little confused about roles, rules, and boundaries: who gets to set and enforce them, and do they apply to everyone who doesn’t have a driver’s license, or just to them?

The resentment they’re display towards the uninvited interlopers is at least in part a reflection of their uncertainty and fears that things they’ve taken for granted all their lives (like their toys, other belongings, and even your love) will be somehow taken away from them and given to their step-siblings. In a way, they—again, like dogs—are defending their territory and their rights.

On the other side of the equation, your step-kids, are being taken, albeit temporarily, from the security and comfort zone of their own home and dropped behind enemy lines, in the middle of uncharted and hostile territory. They aren’t sure of the prevailing family dynamics, where they fit in, and what they’re allowed to do or play with.

I’m not sure whether this is good or bad news, but this situation is pretty common. Many blended families, at least initially, go through a pretty lengthy adjustment period. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to make the transition easier.
• You and your husband need to come to an agreement about how best to handle this situation and resolve conflicts. To start with, he should have the primary responsibility for disciplining his kids, and you for yours.
• If you haven’t already, have a friendly talk with all four children. Ask each of them why they fight. Whatever they say, take their grievances seriously and involve them in finding solutions they can all agree on.
• Write a new set of family rules, so that all four kids know what their rights and responsibilities are at your house. Make sure the rules are fair and don’t favor one set of kids over the other.
• Plan ahead of time the weekends and holidays when the step-children will be with you. Ask each child to come up with an activity that all the family members can participate in–trips to the zoo or a sporting event, family game night, and rotate so that each one can have a say in what you’ll be doing.
• Ease up on the pressure. You may mean well, but telling your kids (or your husband telling his) that they’re “really going to love” their new step-siblings is almost a guarantee that they won’t. They need to forge their own relationships.

It may take a while for things to calm down, so be patient, loving, and positive. Others have gone down this path before and have found (at least some) peace and harmony in the end.

Dear Mr. Dad: Ever since my son was born, three years ago, I have been a stay-at-home mom. Now, I have to go back to work to supplement our income. I found a good daycare facility for him, but, I am really worried that my son will resent me and that this will somehow affect his emotional development.

A: Well, you’re certainly not alone. Whether by choice or economic necessity, more and more moms (and dads) of pre-schoolers are heading back to work, entrusting their children to some kind of childcare.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. In fact, I’d argue that you and your son have been very lucky that you were able to stay at home with him for those all-important first three years.

But don’t just take my word for it. Last year, researchers at Columbia University in New York released a study showing that young children don't (as had been previously suggested) necessarily suffer cognitive setbacks just because their mothers work.

But wait—there’s more. A long-running study carried out by the U.S. National Institutes of Health indicates that children who go to a high-quality childcare (as is your son’s case) actually score slightly higher in academic and cognitive achievement years later, as teenagers. (If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that these studies tend to come in cycles. There’ll be a group that shows “conclusively” that children who are in daycare suffer all sorts of psychological, emotional, physical, and academic problems. Those studies are followed by others that show—as the ones I just cited—that daycare kids are better off. It’s one of those never-ending chicken and egg things.)
There’s also other research suggesting that a daycare environment helps children acquire good social skills, expand their vocabulary, and better prepares them academically than their stay-at-home counterparts. In addition, children who have attended daycare adjust better to kindergarten than those who spent their early years at home. And they tend to have healthier immune systems.

Your task now is to prepare your son for daycare, since it can be an overwhelming experience for a lot of kids.

• Start by explaining what daycare is and what he’s going to do there: play with other children, do fun activities, learn new things, etc. Make sure to sound positive and upbeat, and try not to pass your own anxiety on to him.
• Tell him that you’ll drop him off every morning, but that you, his dad, or someone else he knows will always pick him up at the end of the day.
• If possible, visit the facility ahead of time—with your son— so he can get a taste for the daily routine, and so he can meet the other kids and the caretakers he’ll be spending so many hours with.
• On the first day, allow yourself enough time to spend half an hour or so with your son at the facility before leaving. Be prepared for a flood of tears (he might cry too). A lot of children cry the first day or so, especially if they aren’t used to being left with strangers.

No matter how hard this is for you (it might actually be harder than on him), tell yourself that you’ve found the best possible child care option for your son and that he will be none the worse for it. After all, children are often more resilient and adaptable than adults, and they tend to better deal with change in their lives.