Dear Mr. Dad: We just got back from shopping and I noticed that my 7-year-old son had a small toy in his pocket. When I asked where he got it, he said he “took” it from the store. I can’t believe my child shoplifts—that is not how we raised him. What should I do?

A: Children steal for a variety of reasons. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t know they’re “stealing.” In their minds they’re just taking something that they really want to have. They haven’t yet developed enough self-control or a strong sense of right and wrong—let alone the difference between legal and illegal—to make them keep their hands in their pockets. They don’t understand that it’s not okay to take other people’s stuff without paying for it. Fortunately, they’re pretty compliant and a word or two from a parent about why stealing is wrong is usually enough to keep it from happening again. At least for a while.

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Dear Mr. Dad: Though my husband is only in his early forties, he recently suffered a heart attack. He’s back home now and the prognosis is good, but our children, ages 9 and 11, saw everything and are very worried about him. How do we reassure them that Dad is fine?

A: Witnessing a parent’s illness (mental or physical), or a sudden medical emergency can indeed be very troubling to a youngster—and plenty upsetting to a spouse as well). It’s even more disturbing if the kids saw paramedics performing CPR or taking away their father in an ambulance.

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Dear Mr. Dad. My husband’s father had several heart attacks and recently died of prostate cancer. That means he's in a high risk group and should have regular physicals and screenings. But despite having good insurance, he refuses to make an appointment. I'm worried about him—and our 13-year old son who's already modeling his behavior on his daddy’s. What can I do?

A: Unfortunately, your husband is far from alone. From the time we’re little boys, we’re conditioned to believe that we’re bulletproof and that showing pain is a sign of weakness. It’s that whole “big boys don’t cry” thing. No wonder only about half as many men as women have a regular physician, and men make one fourth the number of doctor visits.
The results of this lackadaisical attitude are startling: We’re twice as likely to die of heart, lung, and liver diseases. We’re forty percent more likely to die of cancer and 20 percent more likely to die of a stroke. In 1920, women outlived men by an average of one year. Today it's almost seven.

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Dear Mr. Dad: Like a lot of couples these days, my wife and I are going through some tough times. We argue about everything–but especially money. How can we work through these issues without stressing out the kids?

A: As the economy continues to stagnate and families find themselves having to adjust to a very different life than the one they'd planned, this is a question I get more and more often. The truth is that all couples go through some tough times at various points. And, as much as we'd like to pretend our adult troubles aren't affecting our kids, we're dead wrong. Kids have a much better idea of what's going on than we give them credit for, and they definitely feel the stress and uncertainty that come with knowing that their parents are less than completely happy with each other.
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Dear Mr. Dad: This is my second marriage, and I’m totally committed to my new wife. But even thought I hate to admit it, her two kids from her previous marriage are driving me crazy. They play one of us against the other, and my wife—being their mom—usually takes their side in any disagreement. How can we keep our marriage stable and still come to some agreement on disciplining the kids?

A: For some couples, second marriages are a breeze. But most experience all sorts of problems in merging two different households with different traditions and ways of life. When kids are involved, the potential problems multiply exponentially. In fact, it may be even harder on kids than on the adults. At least adults have some control over the situation. Kids have almost none.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Our 12-year-old daughter does well in school but apparently hates us as parents. She never speaks kindly to us, refuses any kind of parental authority, and insists that "no one can tell me what to do." She is very interested in boys and has been involved in "kissing sessions" on a school outing. We’re just about at the end of our rope. Is there anything we can do?

A: I can certainly see why this situation is upsetting you, and you’re absolutely right to be concerned. Teenagers are notoriously defiant of parental authority, but at twelve, your daughter is still a “tween,” far too young to be engaging in the kind of behavior you describe.
There are a few steps you should take right away, before her behavior becomes even more inappropriate, or starts posing a danger to her health and safety. First on the list is to ask the principal of her school why “kissing sessions” were allowed during a school outing. Where was the supervision? As far as I’m concerned, this is absolutely inexcusable and everyone involved should be held accountable.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I am the mother of a 12 year old girl. We used to be very close, but she’s recently made it very clear that she only wants to be with her father. She's never happy to see me, but she's always happy to see my husband. No matter how much I try to understand, it just hurts to be ignored or pushed away. Is it normal for girls this age to prefer their fathers?

A: I often hear from dads who feel that their children prefer mom, so your question was especially interesting. Unfortunately, feeling rejected by their children in favor of the other parent is a relatively common phenomenon—the difference is that women, I think, are less likely to admit it than men.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My boyfriend's former wife does not co-parent with him at all. I have seen vulgar emails, heard her use foul language in front of the kids and tell them "your father is kicking us out of our home.” She signs them up for things without confirming it with him but expects for him to pay, without question of course. I could go on and on but you get the point. I know he’s getting pushed to his limit and something needs to be done. He says he feels like he’s drowning but no one will throw him a life raft. How can I help him?

A: Thank you so much for your email. Your boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to have you in his corner. Your support and encouragement will make a huge difference in his life and will make it easier for him to maintain good relationships with his kids. At the same time, though, you're in an incredibly delicate and difficult situation. More on that in a minute.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My older children—ages 11 and 12–are constantly complaining that things aren’t “fair” when it comes to the rules in our house. They say it’s not right that that their younger sibling (age 7) gets to enjoy many of the same benefits as they do, even though they’re a lot older. For instance, bed time in our home is set for 9pm on weeknights, which I feel is appropriate for the older and younger kids; but they don’t agree.

A: “It’s not fair” is probably the most played card in the family deck. Part of the reason is that kids often see the word “fair” as a synonym for “the same,” when, as most adults well know, there’s a big difference between the two. In most cases, the kids are wrong about whether something is actually unfair or not. But in this case, I think they’re making a good point. Bed times should be based upon age and the amount of sleep that your children need to function properly the next day. Most 10 and 11-year-olds don’t need as much sleep as a 7-year-old, and scooting their bedtime as little as 30 minutes later could go a long way toward reestablishing their rightful place at the top of the food chain. It would also give you some wonderful extra time with your older kids.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have four daughters and it seems that no matter where we go we have to deal with people’s sighs, smiles, and dopey grins. They’re often curious about whether we’ll keep trying till we get a boy—it’s as if they think that by not having a son we’ve somehow failed. This happens almost every day and often in front of my daughters. Any advice on how to handle this?

A: As the father of three daughters I know exactly what you’re going through. As you’ve discovered, there are a lot of people out there who feel that a family isn’t complete unless there’s at least one child of each gender. And there are others who feel that sons are a more valuable asset to a family than daughters (this is especially common in certain cultures where they actually do consider sons more important).
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