Dear Mr. Dad: My boyfriend’s former wife does not co-parent with him at all. I have seen vulgar emails, heard her use foul language in front of the kids and tell them “your father is kicking us out of our home.” She signs them up for things without confirming it with him but expects for him to pay, without question of course. I could go on and on but you get the point. I know he’s getting pushed to his limit and something needs to be done. He says he feels like he’s drowning but no one will throw him a life raft. How can I help him?

A: Thank you so much for your email. Your boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to have you in his corner. Your support and encouragement will make a huge difference in his life and will make it easier for him to maintain good relationships with his kids. At the same time, though, you’re in an incredibly delicate and difficult situation. More on that in a minute.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My older children—ages 11 and 12–are constantly complaining that things aren’t “fair” when it comes to the rules in our house. They say it’s not right that that their younger sibling (age 7) gets to enjoy many of the same benefits as they do, even though they’re a lot older. For instance, bed time in our home is set for 9pm on weeknights, which I feel is appropriate for the older and younger kids; but they don’t agree.

A: “It’s not fair” is probably the most played card in the family deck. Part of the reason is that kids often see the word “fair” as a synonym for “the same,” when, as most adults well know, there’s a big difference between the two. In most cases, the kids are wrong about whether something is actually unfair or not. But in this case, I think they’re making a good point. Bed times should be based upon age and the amount of sleep that your children need to function properly the next day. Most 10 and 11-year-olds don’t need as much sleep as a 7-year-old, and scooting their bedtime as little as 30 minutes later could go a long way toward reestablishing their rightful place at the top of the food chain. It would also give you some wonderful extra time with your older kids.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have four daughters and it seems that no matter where we go we have to deal with people’s sighs, smiles, and dopey grins. They’re often curious about whether we’ll keep trying till we get a boy—it’s as if they think that by not having a son we’ve somehow failed. This happens almost every day and often in front of my daughters. Any advice on how to handle this?

A: As the father of three daughters I know exactly what you’re going through. As you’ve discovered, there are a lot of people out there who feel that a family isn’t complete unless there’s at least one child of each gender. And there are others who feel that sons are a more valuable asset to a family than daughters (this is especially common in certain cultures where they actually do consider sons more important).
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Dear Mr. Dad: Every summer our family takes a two-week trip to a national park in the Rockies. We camp, we hike, we fish, we explore. Until recently, it’s been the high point of the year for everyone. Now my oldest is fifteen, and at the mere suggestion of this year’s trip, she yelled, “No way am I going on that lame trip again!” Lame? She used to love these vacations! What are we supposed to do?

A: Ouch! Hurts, doesn’t it? Just like the whole package of teen rebellion, it’s hard to take these angry rejections well. But it’s important to put them into the context of a larger change in your relationship.

Adolescence is a period during when teens naturally begins to pull away from their parents, to define themselves as their own people, to stop being so embarrassingly dependent on you. So the good news is that your daughter is developmentally right on target, doing exactly what she’s supposed to be doing at her age. Remembering that can help take some of the sting out of such moments. Not all of it, but a bit.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I have 11-year old twin daughters and watching them blossom into young women is making me a tad uncomfortable. They’re always pulling away from me, and I never know if a hug or kiss will feel misplaced to them. Worse yet, suddenly the only parent they talk to anymore is mom—it’s as if I’m no longer needed or important in their lives. How am I supposed to handle all this?

A: Welcome to the ‘tween years. And if you think you’re confused, imagine how your daughters are feeling. Their bodies are changing in all sorts of ways and they’re probably plenty uncomfortable in their own skin. They’re too big to sit on your lap, too old to hold your hand, and they’ve gone from being Daddy’s little girls to wondering what their role is in your life and worried about whether everything that’s going on with them will affect their relationship with you. Oh, and to complicate things even more, your daughters are also just now discovering their sexuality (whether you want to hear about it or not).

So what’s a father to do?

• Two words: stay involved. You’re the most important male in their life, and your daughters are looking to you to show them how the world works. Your behavior around them and your reactions to their “blossoming” will shape how they see themselves now, and will set the stage for their future relationships with men.
• Understand what they’re thinking. One reason they’re pulling away is that they’re secretly hoping you won’t notice their bra-straps or say something that might embarrass them (even if it’s unintentional). And they’re trying to convince themselves—in a way that seems irrational to you but makes perfect sense to them—that if they don’t talk with you about the hair under their arms, menstrual cycles, and boys, those things will simply become non-issues.
• Don’t stop. Just because they’re growing up doesn’t mean that you can’t be affectionate with them. Ideally, you’ll still be able to hug and kiss them (as long as you don’t do it in front of their friends). But take your cues from them. If you sense that physical affection is making them uncomfortable, back off a little and show your love in other ways. Perhaps sticking a little note in their lunch box or spending time together doing something they love.
• Don’t ever say “go ask your mother.” That’s the surest way to get them to stop talking to you. If your daughters ask you something, take it as a compliment, listen carefully, and answer only if asked to.
• Be careful how you react. When the girls do talk to you, don’t wince or make any obvious uncomfortable noises or faces. They’ll take even the smallest twitch as proof that you aren’t happy with the young women they’re becoming.
• Lighten things up. When you feel the time is right, an occasional joke or some gentle ribbing (but not about puberty) could help open up the dialogue. When the girls feel that you’re proud of them and not put off or disappointed that they’re growing up, they may feel safe talking to you about things like boys and, if mom’s not around, maybe even some girly issues.

Remember that your daughters will spend more time in your life being women than they did being babies, toddlers, and children combined. Staying involved and close to your daughters during this uncomfortable time will strengthen your relationship with them for the rest of your lives.

Dear Mr. Dad: Because of the current economic situation, my wife and I have decided to sell our home and downsize to a smaller, more affordable one. We’re both comfortable with this decision, but we want to be sure that when we talk to our children (3rd and 5th graders), we don’t panic them. Depending on where we move, the kids may need to change schools. Any suggestions?

A: The fact that you and your wife have thought through your decision and are on the same page puts you way ahead of other families who are in similar situations.

For you, the first step is to sit down and talk with them in a way they can understand. Unless they’ve spent the past year on another planet, they’ve probably heard about the recession and may have even talked about it at school. But you’ll need to find out how much of what they’ve heard actually sank in. The problem is that they may understand just enough to be scared, so it’s important that you reassure them that despite the current state of the economy, they and your family will be OK.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I have been married 12 years, and have a 7-year old son. The problem is that my husband is a terrible role model. When he’s angry, he throws things around the house. Our son has already picked up on this and now does the same when things don’t go his way. My husband is also verbally abusive and curses me in front of our son. He blames everything on me and now the boy has started doing the same. He opposes every household rule I set. I tell our son to brush his teeth and take a shower, dad says it’s okay not to. I could go on, but you get the point. I’m considering divorce and I want to know whether my son would be better off without his father.

A: Sounds like you’re in a terrible–and possibly dangerous–situation. The short answer to your question is that I don’t think your son would be better off without his father. He may be a bad parent and an all around jerk, but the boy loves and needs him.
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Dear Mr. Dad: A young family recently moved in next door. There’s always a lot of yelling and door slamming and I’ve noticed that the boy who lives there, who looks about 10, often has bruises on his face, arms, and legs. Whenever I see him, he seems afraid to make eye contact. I don’t want to rush to judgment and accuse the parents of abuse, but I also don’t want to turn a blind eye in case I’m right. What should I do?

A: Thank you for speaking up and for your concern—you’ve just identified several classic warning signs of abuse. You’ve also stumbled into a very tough, very complex situation (one that I’m sure will generate angry emails from readers no matter how I answer the question).
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Dear Mr. Dad: My four-year old daughter often climbs into bed with me and my wife in the middle of the night, claiming to be scared of a tiger, crocodile, or something else. She also seems to be generally afraid of the dark. There’s a night light in her room and we never read scary stories to her. What can we do to help her get over her fears, and how do I know she’s not just making the whole thing up so she can sleep with us?

A. Even at the ripe old age of four, most children have a tough time telling the difference between reality and make believe. As a result, strange shadows and bumps in the night are enough to drive even the bravest child into mom and dad’s room. Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to get her out of your bed and back into her own.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My 13-year-old son has difficulty making friends. He’s a little shy, but a nice kid. He says he’s as tried to talk to different boys at school, but claims no one likes him. How can I help?

A: As parents, we all want our children to be popular and well-liked by their peers, but things don’t always work out that way. Kids–just like adults–have their own personalities, and it sounds like your son may simply be less outgoing and gregarious than his schoolmates.
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