Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are going through a rough patch in our marriage. We’ve been talking about getting a divorce but are concerned about how it could impact our six-month-old son. Will it?

A: Since children are all different and respond differently to the stresses in their lives, it’s impossible to predict what the effects on any one child will be. That said, most children—infants included—are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce (or breakup if they were never married).

Although infants as young as yours can’t possibly understand what divorce is, they have an amazing capacity to pick up on the emotions of the people around them—especially their parents. What that means is that it’s not the divorce itself that affects babies; it’s the behavior that goes with it. For example, in high-conflict homes where there’s a lot of yelling and tension, babies are fussier and cry more. In these cases, the divorce can actually have a positive impact: separating two warring parties and cutting back on the hostility in the home could reduce some of the negative fallout.

After the divorce is over, the baby will continue to pick up on—and imitate—the parents’ emotions. Babies with a depressed mom or dad or a parent who is too distracted to pay attention to his needs often seem depressed themselves, exhibiting sluggish behavior, a lack of interest in playing, and decreased appetite. These babies may also lose weight, have trouble sleeping, be clingier, show no interest in people at all, be slower to achieve developmental milestones, and may even regress (meaning they lose skills they had previously mastered).

So what can you do?

Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you and your wife are obviously putting your baby’s needs first and are already communicating with each other in a positive way. The fact that you’re acting like grownups and are behaving civilly is huge and will make the next steps a lot easier.

• It’s critical that you and your wife talk about a schedule that gives each of you daily time with your baby. Because babies don’t have much in the way of long-term memory, going much longer than a day between visits increases the risk that he may not recognize you, and that will interfere with your ability to bond with each other.
• Understand that infants crave and need routines. Some they’ll set on their own, such as sleep, feeding, and crying. Others come from you, such as nighttime rituals and sleeping arrangements. There’s some controversy about whether it’s better for babies to sleep at one parent’s house and have the other parent visit only during the day. One thing is for sure, though, and that’s that babies are pretty resilient creatures and tend to adapt to their surroundings—as long as they’re getting their needs met in both places. If mom is breastfeeding, she’ll need to have the baby every day. But there’s no reason why she can’t pump a few bottles that you can give the baby when he’s at your house. If you do opt for the two house solution, make sure that the baby’s comfort items (stuffies, blankies, and so on) make the trip with him.
• Make sure when you’re with your baby, you’re really with him: cuddle, read, play, sing, and whatever else you usually do. Learn to recognize his needs and cues. But don’t try to keep him entertained constantly—he needs down time too.
• Take care of yourself. If you’re depressed, you can't be an effective caregiver.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have postpartum depression pretty bad, and I feel like my husband thinks I'm faking it. How can I help him understand that I seriously need his help?

A: Brava to you—most women who have post partum depression don’t get the help they need, often because they’re embarrassed to ask for it. Fortunately for you, your husband, and your baby, you’re not most women. So start by showing your husband this column—hopefully he’ll get the hint.
Almost all new moms go through the “baby blues”—mild sadness, mood swings, anxiety, weepiness, loss of sleep and/or appetite, and inability to make decisions. Most of the time, the symptoms go away on their own within a few weeks or a month.

Ten to 20 percent of moms develop actual “postpartum depression.” The symptoms are similar, but more serious: major appetite changes, an inability to take pleasure in the baby or life in general, unexplained episodes of crying, extreme feelings of anxiety or fear, decreased sex drive, difficulty sleeping, and feelings of guilt or shame.

At the very least, your husband should be helping you eat right and exercise. He also needs to be taking on more of the baby-related work and making sure you get enough sleep.

Untreated, symptoms of postpartum depression can last for years. Research shows that babies of depressed mothers reach certain developmental milestones later than other babies. And they’re more likely to become depressed themselves. The more he helps you, the more he’s helping your baby—and the more he’s helping himself by getting some much-needed practice.

Dear Mr. Dad: When my father was around, it wasn't exactly a good thing. The only things he taught me were what not to be like. How do I be a good dad? How do I teach my children something I don't know? I want to be a great dad, but I have a terrible feeling of doom. Please Help.

A: Like it or not, your relationship with your dad when you were a kid is going to have some influence on your relationship with your own children. But that’s not necessarily bad news. A lot of dads who had rocky or non-existent relationships with their father worry, as you do, that they’re destined to follow the same path. Some dads, perhaps trying to protect their children, end up withdrawing physically and emotionally. A bad situation for everyone.

People who had good relationships with their dads generally don’t worry as much about these things. Just having had a good role model gives them a feeling of confidence that they can take the best parts and leave out the rest. You can do the same. Yes, your past relationships will influence your present ones, but you have a huge amount of choice in the matter. Most guys whose dads were less than they should have been are able to absorb whatever good stuff (if any) they got from the old man and dump the bad.

There’s plenty of research to back me up on this: men whose fathers were distant or un-nurturing often end up providing particularly high levels of care for their children's social, emotional, academic, and intellectual development. And men whose dads supervised them inconsistently or inadequately, as well as men whose dads threatened, spanked (a lot), or frightened them as boys often turn things around and spend a lot of time working on their children's physical and athletic development in childhood.

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Dear Readers: Over the past few weeks I’ve received a number of emails that hit on the same general topic, but, interestingly, from completely different perspectives. Here they are:

Q: My fiancé and I recently found out we're pregnant. Will it hurt the embryo if we make love? Is it normal to worry about this?

A: The short answer to all of these questions is, Yes, it’s all normal. In fact, when it comes to sex during pregnancy, just about everything is normal—even things that might seem completely contradictory.

Let’s start with the safety issue. Unless the pregnant woman has a history of premature labor or has been told by her doctor to avoid sex during pregnancy, it should be perfectly safe. The baby is cushioned in a fluid-filled sac and barring cramps or bleeding during sex, making love while pregnant is no more dangerous than at any other time.

Okay, that takes care of the actual sex part. But when it comes to sexual desire, the range of “normal” is pretty big. Many men find the pregnant female body (with its fuller curves and larger breasts) erotic. That, combined with a natural feeling of power and masculinity that often accompanies getting a woman pregnant, can increase men’s arousal. At the same time, many women find getting pregnant to be a confirmation of their femininity and attractiveness. That, along with the increased blood flow to the pelvic region, which may make orgasms more powerful, could boost their desire to have sex. There can also be a mutual feeling of closeness that sometimes plays out sexually.

On the other hand, if the pregnant woman doesn’t find herself particularly attractive—or worries that her partner doesn’t—she may not be terribly interested in sex. Ditto if she’s in the first trimester and feeling nauseous or in the last trimester and feeling awkward or uncomfortable. It works the other way ‘round too: if the guy doesn’t find his pregnant partner terribly attractive, or if he thinks she doesn’t find herself attractive, he won’t express any interest. Another possible libido killer is the realization—sheared by men and women—that they’re about to become parents. And everyone knows that parents aren’t supposed to be sexual. Hey, no one said this stuff was rational.

Talking about these issues is absolutely essential. Expectant fathers routinely underestimate how attractive their partners feel, and expectant mothers routinely underestimate how attractive their partners find them. In future columns we’ll talk about how to handle situations where the expectant parents-to-be aren’t in sync.

Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I have only been married for about eight months. He’s 45 and I’m 36. Before we got married, we talked about starting a family—and we’re both aware of the small window of opportunity to get pregnant. But since the marriage he constantly tells me we aren’t ready, that we need more money, I see how great he is with my niece and nephews—he enjoys playing with them and they just love him to death—and I know he’ll be a wonderful father. What can I do to bring him along?

A: Your situation reminds me of a discussion I had with my parents when I was an expectant father for the first time. I was in a bit of a panic about money and worried about how my wife and I could possibly afford to have a baby. When I mentioned this to my parents, they told me that just about everyone has worries about whether they’re “ready.” The reality, though, is that just about no one actually is—and if you wait until all the pieces are in place, you might end up not ever having kids at all. Then, as if to reinforce their no-one-is-ever-ready argument, they told me that when I was born they were both starving students at the University of Illinois—so broke that they couldn’t even afford a crib, so I had to spend my first few months in a sock drawer.(I’m sure that explains all sorts of things about how I turned out, but that’s a topic for another day.)

That said, I have a feeling that what’s troubling your husband has less to do with money and more to do with his fears about repeating his parents’ mistakes with his own kids.The good news on that front is that the whole acorn-doesn’t-fall-fall-from-the-tree thing is garbage; what his parents did is almost completely irrelevant. It’ll take some work on his part and plenty of support from you, but he really can be the father he wants to be.

A lot of men worry about whether they’ll be able to actually care for a child. Given that most guys have a lot less baby-handling experience than their partners, that’s a reasonable concern. But it’s one that can be easily resolved by simply closing his eyes and jumping in. Babies are remarkably resilient little creatures and there’s no substitute for on the job training. In addition, your husband’s behavior with your niece and nephews pretty well proves that he’s got good instincts. Kids have an uncanny ability to identify adults who like being with children and they wouldn’t “love him to death” if he didn’t.

There’s a good chance that your husband is concerned about how his age will factor into his parenting. Another reasonable theme. While there’s no question that his back and knees aren’t as well suited to wrestling with kids as they were 20 years ago, there are plenty of other ways to be involved. Many of the “older” dads in my research told me that while they had less of a physical relationship with their kids, they felt that they had an especially strong emotional bond. In part that was because they were able to spend a lot of time reading, talking, teaching, mentoring, volunteering in their children’s classrooms, and getting to know their children’s friends.

As far as what you can do? Be patient. As a lot of questions, point out all the great parenting traits he has, and make sure your sock drawer is ready.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is pregnant. She already has two children from two different dads, but this will be my first child. She seems to have feelings of regret about the whole thing even though we planned this pregnancy for a long time. How can I reassure her that we're going to be fine and that she is the most important thing in my life right now?

A: In the first year after the birth of a baby, 90 percent of couples have a huge drop off in the quantity and quality of their communication. Half the time it’s permanent. That sad little statistic goes a long way toward explaining why the divorce rate among couples with small children is among the highest of all. Given that your wife has had two children with different fathers, it’s clear to her that having a baby isn’t enough to keep two people together. In fact, in her mind, having a baby may actually be the first step toward the end of a relationship.

Telling your wife that she’s the most important thing in your life is a good first step, but you can’t just say it once or twice and let it go. With the baggage it sounds like your wife may be dragging around, she’s going to need to hear those words on a regular basis. You also need to banish the phrase “right now”—as in “she is the most important thing in my life right now” from your vocabulary. Someone who’s as worried as your wife is will be asking herself, “Sure, I’m important to him now, but what about later?”

If you’ve ever taken a writing workshop you know about the importance of showing over telling. So get ready to start proving that you’re in it for the long haul. How? Well, it seems kind of trite, but some of the most basic approaches are the most successful. For example, calling her a few times a day just to tell her you love her, sending her flirty texts (or, if you’re feeling adventurous, sexts), leaving love notes in her purse or some other place where she’ll find them, bringing home flowers, and planning some getaways. You don’t actually have to go very far or for very long. If you Google “babymoon,” you’ll find a ton of resorts and hotels that have romantic, massage-filled, packages ranging from a long afternoon to a full weekend or longer, and from pretty reasonably priced to insanely expensive.

Okay, that takes care of showing your wife that you love her. But there’s still the issue of demonstrating that having a baby isn’t going to kill your marriage. This is another case of show it don’t tell it. And there are all sorts of ways to make your point. Start by doing some reading. My book, “The Expectant Father,” is a good place to start. If you’ve got friends or relatives with little kids, visit them often and try to get in some baby-holding time. The object is to show your wife that you’re interested in learning everything you can about what it takes be an involved dad. Next, get out your calendar and have her tell you when all her prenatal OB visits are. Then, try to make it to as many of them as you can. Just showing up will be a credibility booster. Bringing along a few questions for the doctor will boost your stock even more. Oh, and while you have your calendar out, schedule a childbirth prep class.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is pregnant and wants me to be her "labor coach" for the delivery. This is my first baby and I’m really nervous. What can I do to prepare?

A: Congratulations on your impending fatherhood! The very first thing to do is banish the word “coach” from your childbirth vocabulary. When things don’t go perfectly with an NBA or NFL team, the coach is the one who gets fired–sometimes right in the middle of a season. And someone else comes in to finish the job. Thinking of yourself as a coach puts way too much pressure on you. You’re the dad. You can’t be fired.

Next, learn about labor and delivery by attending childbirth classes with your wife, reading books like my The Expectant Father and The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, and taking a tour of your hospital or birthing center. Then talk with your wife about what the ideal delivery scenario would look like. But resist the urge to create a written birth plan. Labor and delivery rarely go as planned, so lots of flexibility is essential. Here are a few discussion starters.

• Many hospitals require constant monitoring (via a big belt and an IV), which could limit your wife’s mobility. Sometimes hospitals don’t let laboring women eat anything but ice. How does she feel about these policies?
• In what circumstances would your wife want a C-Section, an episiotomy (an incision in the vagina to enlarge the opening), or assisted birth (forceps or vacuum extraction)?
• Does your wife want an epidural (for pain) immediately or does she want an unmedicated delivery? If she wants to avoid medication, what other pain management techniques will she consider? How will you help her deal with the pain?
• Who’s in the delivery room? Unless your wife specifically requests someone else, you should be the only non-medical professional there.
• Atmosphere. Does she have a favorite song? Does she want loud, thumping music or a quiet setting with soft lighting?
• Does she want to capture every minute of labor and delivery or wait until she’s had a chance to brush her hair before you start shooting?
• Does she want to see the baby crown (when the head appears) using a mirror? Do you want to cut the cord?
• After the birth, who gets to hold the baby first? Does your wife want to try breastfeeding right away? Do you want to bank your baby’s cord blood (check out cordblood.org)?
• Pack a hospital bag for yourself, including a change of clothes, basic toiletries, a snack (for you, not her), and a swimsuit (she may end up laboring in a shower or tub and there’s no reason why you can’t be in there with her).
• Unless there’s a clear medical emergency, don’t hesitate to ask what the nurse or doctor is doing and why. If something isn’t going the way you and your wife planned, speak up (she’ll probably be too exhausted).
• Tell her how amazing she is. Labor and delivery are tough, and your support and encouragement will make a huge difference in her ability to cope.

Finally—and perhaps most importantly—trust your team. Stories about doctors pushing drugs and C-Sections may have been true a while ago, but not now. Unless you’re an MD or Labor & Delivery nurse, you’re probably not qualified to make medical decisions. If you can’t trust your OB to do (or suggest) what’s best for your wife, you really need to find someone else.