Dear Mr. Dad: I'm a first time father-to-be, and the entire pregnancy has been going very well for me and my wife. But about two weeks ago, I started experiencing anxiety which was pretty severe at times. I got very scared about me or my wife getting ill or having an accident and dying. My mind went into total freefall mode and I started thinking about all the terrible consequences this would have. Is it normal for someone to experience some pretty heavy anxiety about these issues? I'm over it now, but I wonder whether other fathers-to-be go through the same thing. Also, do you have any advice on how I can keep calm (or at least try to!) for the last 10 weeks of the pregnancy?

A: What a fantastic question. The short answer is that what you describing is actually quite common. The difference between you and most other expectant fathers is that they keep their worries to themselves—and that just makes things worse.

Almost all fathers-to-be have some kind of anxiety (and I believe that those who claim they’re worry-free are simply not paying attention). The most common concerns are financial security, changes in the marital relationship, the impending lack of sex, the loss of free time and personal space, and, as you pointed out, fears of danger to the mom, the baby, or the dad himself.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a 37-year-old mother of two, ages 18 and 5. I really want another baby, but my husband had a vasectomy immediately after our second child was born. At the time, I was exhausted and fighting post-partum depression, so when he came in an announced that he was getting the surgery I agreed. But now, when I tell him he can get it reversed and that we could start trying for another baby, he just says, “oh" and leaves the room. What can I do to change his mind?

A: Unfortunately, there's no quick solution to your problem. It sounds like your husband really has no interest in having a third child and it's entirely possible that you won't ever be able to change his mind. Either way, though, this is too big an issue to ignore. The two of you need to have some long, serious discussions in which you both listen carefully and respectfully to each other.

I'm sure each of you has a perfectly sound reason for wanting (or not wanting) another child and neither of you is any more "right" than the other. Keep in mind that this is a topic that involves a lot of emotion and passion so if you aren't able to work through things on your own, don't be afraid to schedule a few sessions with a family therapist who, at the very least, should be able to act as a referee and facilitate a more productive discussion.

Dear readers: With the holidays looming, I’m already getting requests from people looking for the perfect gift for the dads in their life. Some advice: The last thing he wants is another tie. Most dads tell me that what they really want are games, ideas, or other activities to help them build stronger relationships with their spouse and kids. As you may know, we created the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval to help families find exactly that. And we’re now accepting submissions for our Holiday list. Information and applications are at mrdad.com/seal.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are expecting our first and we're on the fence about whether to hire a nanny or find a childcare center for our son. It would be great to have someone at home to take care of household chores, but our friends say that there are some great advantages—for us as parents—to having our child in daycare too. Is there any truth to this?

A: In a word, yes. While it's every parent’s dream to come home to a sparkling clean house where the laundry and the toys have been put away and as healthy dinner’s on the table, having a child in daycare offers some definite benefits to parents as well as to kids. In fact, the same day as I got your email, I received a copy of a new book by Mario Small, a Professor in Sociology at the University of Chicago, who has extensively studied a number of these benefits.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I've always wondered why parents of large families sometimes give all their children names beginning with the first letter, as in, "Hi, I'd like you to meet my kids: Connie, Carla, Christopher, Caligula, Charles, and Conner." How long has this trend been around?

A: Having all the kids' names start with the same letter or sound may make them feel connected–to their siblings and the family as a whole–particularly if a child is adopted. It might also be a memory aid for those time (and all parents have them) when they call their children by the wrong name or the dog's name or can't remember the right name at all.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m now in my seventh month of pregnancy and our sex life is non-existent. My husband used to want it all the time and we made love a lot. But he has hardly touched me since my first trimester ended. I haven’t gained that much weight and I don’t feel unattractive. He says I look adorable and cute but it never goes any further. Even more depressing, I caught him texting an ex girlfriend sexually graphic messages. She lives out of town so I know he’s not sleeping with her, but I feel cheated and betrayed. What have I done wrong?

A: The short answer s that you haven't done anything wrong at all. But for your own peace of mind, it may help to understand some of the things that could be going on inside your husband's head.
Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is 11 weeks pregnant and driving me nuts. She's worried constantly about our financial situation, her time off work, child care, you name it. She's mad at me one minute, sad the next, and happy the one after that. Frankly, I’m not really buying the whole “emotional roller coaster” thing. Is she using her pregnancy as an excuse to act this way?

A: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad is that the pregnancy roller coaster does exist and your wife’s hormones really are responsible for most of her erratic behavior. The good news is that the ride typically ends early in the second trimester, which you’re just about to start. Until then, try to be as understanding as can be—she’s probably not any happier with her behavior than you are and is finding the whole thing confusing and frightening.
Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I are in our late thirties. We have a 4-year old daughter and would love to have a second child. But with the financial crisis, we're having trouble keeping our heads above water and feel that we’re in no position to bring another child into the world. We are both heartbroken about it because we come from large families, and we certainly didn't want our daughter to be an only child. How do we make sure she turns out ok?

A: Since plenty of couples have kids well into their forties, being in your late thirties shouldn’t be a deciding factor. However, the tough economy is forcing all of us to reorder our priorities and reconsider a lot of big decisions. And having a second child certainly qualifies. If you’re struggling to pay your bills now, imagine how much more difficult it would be to provide for an additional member of your family. (If only that mother with the octuplets would have been thinking as clearly as you are.)
Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: My best friend just became the father. I used to spend three or four nights a week with them and he constantly called, texted, or e-mailed as well. Since the baby has been born it seems like he has begun systematically cutting me out of his life. Hardly any e-mails or texts, and I am only invited over once a week or so now. I have not talked to him about how I'm feeling but when we talk on the phone he acts like nothing has changed. I feel like I'm being very selfish but I really miss my buddy a lot. Is there anything I can do to get him back?

A: What you’re describing is pretty typical behavior for new parents, so don’t take his behavior personally. Chances are he’s not deliberately trying to cut you out and I’m sure he misses you too. There are a number of things going on. First of all, his primary focus is (as it should be) on taking care of his baby and his wife. Any spare time he’s got left he’d just as soon spend trying to catch up on the sleep he’s missing. Second, his natural inclination is going to be to spend more time with people who understand what he’s going through—and, since it sounds like you’re single with no children, you’re not on the short list. Sad but true. At least for now. Third, his wife may be jealous. If he spends time hanging with you, she deserves a break too, right? But with all the pressures of new motherhood, that’s not going to happen for a while. Bottom line: be patient. Your relationship with your buddy has changed—and may never be the same. But with time, you can use the foundation of the old one to start building a new one.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m almost eight months pregnant but my boyfriend and I are having relationship troubles. We’re both jobless right now, which is a strain. Plus, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad and wishes he was still single. He denies it and insists he loves me and the baby, and I know he is actively looking for a job. But I’m afraid. How can I be sure he’ll stay with me and be a good and responsible father and partner?

A: I wish there was a simple answer to your question. Unfortunately, though, relationships don’t come with a warranty, and the truth is that there’s no guaranteed way to make sure your boyfriend will stay or, if he does, that he’ll be the “good and responsible father and partner” you’re looking for.
Read the rest of this entry »

Mr. Dad Seal of Approval

With the winter holidays just around the corner, we’re announcing the latest recipients of the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, which recognize products and services that promote father-child relationships. We evaluated dozens of entries and selected the very best. And because economic times are tough, we also tried to select products that are affordable. Here are a few highlights. The complete list is available at our website, www.mrdad.com/seal.

• “How’d They Build That?” DVD series, from MarvelousMedia. www.marvelousmedia.net
• I Spy matching game, from Briarpatch. www.briarpatch.com
• Star Pilot, from Young Scientists Club, LLC. www.kidsciencekits.com
• Readeez Volume One, from the Readeez Company. www.readeez.com