Dear Readers: In last week’s column, we heard from a woman who, was planning to get pregnant. We talked about a number of important steps she should take before actively trying to conceive. Even though she’s the one who’ll be carrying the baby, there’s plenty that the dad-to-be can do to increase fertility and up the odds of a healthy pregnancy.

So dad–your goal is to prepare a healthy environment for the baby to swim around in, and to prevent birth defects or other complications, right? But you never know when your partner is going to burst out of the bathroom waving a little white stick, and announce, “Honey, I’m pregnant!”
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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I are planning to get pregnant in about a year. We hear a lot about what to do, health wise, during the pregnancy itself. But what about before? Are there things I should be doing to get my body ready? And are there things my husband should be doing?

A: Yes on all counts. An unborn baby’s organs start developing 17 to 56 days after conception. But that’s so early that you might not even know you’re pregnant yet. And by the time you find out, you may have already done all sorts of things that could affect the baby—things you may end up regretting. So it’s good that you and your husband are preparing yourselves so far in advance. I’ll talk about what you should be doing now, and we’ll tackle your husband next week.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Please settle an argument. My wife—who’s five months pregnant—says that our baby’s senses are developing throughout the pregnancy. I think she’s crazy. How can an unborn baby develop a sense of touch or taste or anything else?

A: This round goes to your wife. Your baby will be born with a full set of senses: touch, hearing, sight, smell, and taste. But they don’t just show up at birth, completely out of the blue. They begin forming very early on in the pregnancy and the fetus starts trying to use them immediately. The more practice she gets, the more developed the sense will be at birth. (Senses that aren’t used tend to atrophy. In animal experiments, for example, when fetal chicks are prevented from moving inside their egg, cartilage turns to bone). In previous columns, we’ve talked about what babies hear before they’re born. Here’s an introduction to the rest of the senses.

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Super Mario Brothers for Wii, “Checklists for the New Dad,” and Faces iMake, among Father’s Day 2010 GreatDad Recommends Award and Mr. Dad Seal of Approval Recipients

San Francisco, Calif. (PRWEB) June 5, 2010 — Fun-loving fathers and families seeking ideas for Father’s Day activities this year are in for a real treat. Presented by Mr. Dad and GreatDad.com, the results of the Fathers Day 2010 GreatDad Recommends and Mr.Dad Seal of Approval awards are in. They include an exciting lineup of games, toys and resources that will involve dads and kids, and make spending time together even more exciting and memorable. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m an expectant father and I want to take some time off after our baby is born. But even though my company offers some family-friendly benefits, my boss isn’t very happy about the idea. At all. I know I have legal rights under the Family Leave Act, but I don’t want things to get hostile. Do you have any suggestions for how I might be able to convince my employer?

A: Over the past decade or so, more and more companies are offering family-friendly benefits. But when it comes to male employees, the messages about whether it’s okay to actually use those benefits are, as you’ve discovered, mixed at best. For example, about 13 percent of U.S. employers offer paid paternity leave. But even at those companies, only about half of eligible men take it. The rest don’t, largely out of fear that they’d be committing career suicide. Overall, compared to mothers, fathers are only one-tenth as likely to have ever used parenting leave and one-sixth as likely to have ever worked part time.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have been trying to conceive for nine months and our fertility doctor is suggesting that we consider IVF (in-vitro fertilization). Step one is for me to bring in a sperm sample for analysis. What are they analyzing? Frankly, I find the idea of producing a sample on demand rather embarrassing. And the way a friend described the process—dingy bathroom with a few sticky porn magazines—was really of off-putting. Isn’t there some other way to get semen out of me than the usual?

A: Let’s start with your second question. The one-word answer is, Yes. There are other ways. But they’re extremely expensive and not nearly as fun. The two most common techniques are called “testicular sperm extraction” (TESE) and “microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration” (MESA). Both involve making incisions in the scrotum and testicles, and either manually removing sperm cells or actually cutting away a small piece of testicular tissue. (I’ll bet just reading that last sentence probably made most male readers involuntarily grab their crotch.)
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Dear Mr. Dad: I’m 45 and my wife is 35. We’ve been together for more than ten years and have finally decided to have a family. I know that it may be harder for my wife to conceive than it would have been if she was a little younger. But someone recently told her that my age could be a factor too. Is that true? Sounds crazy.

A: I hate to take sides, but your wife wins this round. Like most people, you know about the difficulties that women over 35 have getting pregnant. That’s only the beginning. As women age, the risk of miscarriage, preterm birth, and birth defects increases. But we rarely hear anything how the father’s age affects fertility and beyond. Here’s a quick overview.

• Researchers at Bristol University in the UK found that men’s fertility begins to decrease starting at about age 24. The odds of conceiving within six months of trying go down two percent per year over that age.
• Sperm count decreases with age, and the little guys gradually lose their speed and accuracy, meaning fewer of them will make it all the way to the egg, and those that do will take a lot longer to get there.
• Sperm quality also decreases, starting when the man is about 35. That means that the ones that reach the egg are less able to fertilize it. And even if they do, the resulting pregnancies have an increased risk of ending in miscarriage.
• A small number of very rare health risks and genetic conditions are associated with older dads. For example, compared do men under 30, dads over 40 have a higher risk of fathering children with autism, schizophrenia, dwarfism, heart defects, facial abnormalities, epilepsy, and some childhood cancers. Advanced paternal age may also be associated with children’s lower IQ scores, increased risk of developing breast cancer and shortened lifespan (for women born to dads 45 and over). This may be why the American Society for Reproductive Medicine has set 40 as the upper limit for sperm donations. Some clinics have even lower limits.
• As your kids get older, you may not like it very much when people assume you’re the grandfather instead of the dad.
• As you age, it may be a bit harder for you to do some of the physical things young dads do, such as skateboarding, giving piggy-back rides, and just crawling around on the floor.

On the other hand, being an older dad has its advantages. And in many people’s eyes, those advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

• Older dads are generally more financially secure, less worried about saving up for a down payment or making partner, and they’re better able to provide for their family.
• Research indicates that older dads are more likely to share responsibility for taking care of their children and tend to be more actively involved with them.
• Older dads may also be warmer, more nurturing, and focus more on their children than younger dads.
• Older dads rate themselves as being more patient, more mature, and calmer than the young bucks.
• There is some indication that children of older dads do better in school. That’s probably at least partly due to some of the factors above.
• Being an older dad keeps you thinking and feeling young. You’re up on the latest culture, you hang out with younger couples, get to throw baseballs and go to school plays, and you’ll know who Lady Gaga and Jay-Z are.

Dear Mr. Dad: It seems like every time I turn on the TV, there are the Duggars, with their 19 children, and Octomom with 14. How many kids are too many? What’s your take on it?

A: That’s a tough (and arbitrary) question, and the answer depends on whom you ask. The Duggars, for example, have made it clear that they’d like to have more kids, so in their opinion, 19 isn’t enough. I have a feeling that Octomom isn’t through either, and that the stars of the new show “9 by Design” are just getting warmed up. Fortunately, we can all rest easy now that John and Kate stopped at eight. On the other hand, a lot of people, including Bill McKibben, author of “Maybe One,” believe that one is the ethically and environmentally responsible number. Most of us, though, fall somewhere in between (the average number of children per household with kids is about two—and the prospect of an entire handful (or three) is frightening.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I decided that we want one parent at home with our child full time—at least until he starts preschool. Since she earns more than I do, it looks like I’ll be a stay-at-home dad. What am I in for?

A: Deciding to be a stay-at-home dad is a big decision, one that will affect everyone in your family. There are wonderful benefits to you and your child. But before you pull the trigger, you and your wife need to consider the following questions:

• Can you take the career hit? This is big, since earning power and masculinity are inextricably linked in so many people’s minds. (If I’m not making money, I’m not a good man/father, the thinking goes.) You may be able to keep a finger in the work world by consulting or starting a home-based business. But if you return to the workforce later, the gap on your résumé could cause problems with potential employers.
• Can you handle the pressure? Some people will come right out and tell you that you really should be out there bringing in some money. After all, that’s what guys are supposed to do, right? But even if you don’t hear the actual words, you may feel the need to demonstrate that even though you’ve chosen not to earn money, you could if you really wanted to. Some of that pressure is external, some comes from within. Traditional sex roles do a real number on us, don’t they?
• Do you have a job description? What are your responsibilities? Will you be doing all the laundry, shopping, and cooking? Some of it?
• Can you handle the isolation and the workload? Staying home with a child can be a tough, lonely job. It can also be a little mind-numbing (I say this from experience). Sometimes, no matter how much fun you’ve had with the kids, you’ll crave some adult conversation at the end of the day.
• Are you selfless enough? Say goodbye to personal time, and get used to putting your children’s needs above yours. Always.
• Is your skin thick enough? Women—whether they’re moms, nannies, baby-sitters—tend not to welcome men into their groups wherever it is that people take their kids during the day. You’ll have to get used to the funny looks and stupid comments from people when you’re out with your. (“Hey, are you baby-sitting today?” is one that always bugs me. “No, bozo, I’m not baby-sitting, I’m a dad and I’m taking care of my children.”) And you’ll have to deal with people’s criticisms and critiques of your parenting—the kinds of “advice” and comments no one would ever make to a woman.
• How thick is your wife’s skin? When you’re the primary parent, your child will run to you when he wants a hug or has a skinned knee. If mom tries to provide that hug or apply a BandAid, he may push her away. I’ve been on both sides of this, and can tell you that it hurts. A lot.
• Do you have a reentry plan? It’s good to have a plan for how long your at-home stint will last, and what you’ll do afterwards.

In reality, you won’t be as alone out there as it might seem. At least two million stay-at-home dads are doing it every day, and the number is rising all the time. You may have to dig, but there are a lot of great resources out there, including athomedad.net and slowlane.com.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is pregnant with our first child, and complete strangers keep coming up to rub her belly. She seems pretty okay with iit, but it’s driving me nuts. What can I do?

A: As intensely private as pregnancy is, it is also inescapably public. And your partner’s growing belly can bring out the best—and the worst—in people. Perfect strangers will open doors for her, offer to help her carry things, give up their seats in crowded subway cars and buses. In some ways, people’s interest in pregnant women and in the process of creating life is heartwarming. But it’s possible to go overboard.

When my wife was pregnant with our first, People would often come up to her when she was standing in the check-out line at the grocery store and start chatting. Sometimes they’d ask simple questions like, “So, when are you due?” or make pronouncements about the baby’s sex. But some would break out the horror stories—tales of debilitating morning sickness, ten-month pregnancies, thirty-hour labors, emergency C-sections, anesthesia that didn’t work.

And then there were the people who would, without even asking, start rubbing her belly as if she was a Buddha statue or a magic lantern. I kept waiting for her to bite some belly-rubber’s hand off, but she never did. Plenty aren’t as tolerant, though. I’ve heard stories of women reacting to being groped by strangers by screaming, wearing “keep your paws off my belly” t-shirts, slapping their hand, or fondling their belly in return. I always thought she should have told tell them that she had a highly contagious disease that’s transmitted by touch.

Why anyone tolerates this is a mystery to me. Can you imagine how you’d react if someone did the same thing when your partner wasn’t pregnant? Or if you decided to touch some woman’s breasts because they looked so inviting?

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