Dear Mr. Dad: I’m now in my seventh month of pregnancy and our sex life is non-existent. My husband used to want it all the time and we made love a lot. But he has hardly touched me since my first trimester ended. I haven’t gained that much weight and I don’t feel unattractive. He says I look adorable and cute but it never goes any further. Even more depressing, I caught him texting an ex girlfriend sexually graphic messages. She lives out of town so I know he’s not sleeping with her, but I feel cheated and betrayed. What have I done wrong?

A: The short answer s that you haven’t done anything wrong at all. But for your own peace of mind, it may help to understand some of the things that could be going on inside your husband’s head.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is 11 weeks pregnant and driving me nuts. She’s worried constantly about our financial situation, her time off work, child care, you name it. She’s mad at me one minute, sad the next, and happy the one after that. Frankly, I’m not really buying the whole “emotional roller coaster” thing. Is she using her pregnancy as an excuse to act this way?

A: Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad is that the pregnancy roller coaster does exist and your wife’s hormones really are responsible for most of her erratic behavior. The good news is that the ride typically ends early in the second trimester, which you’re just about to start. Until then, try to be as understanding as can be—she’s probably not any happier with her behavior than you are and is finding the whole thing confusing and frightening.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I are in our late thirties. We have a 4-year old daughter and would love to have a second child. But with the financial crisis, we’re having trouble keeping our heads above water and feel that we’re in no position to bring another child into the world. We are both heartbroken about it because we come from large families, and we certainly didn’t want our daughter to be an only child. How do we make sure she turns out ok?

A: Since plenty of couples have kids well into their forties, being in your late thirties shouldn’t be a deciding factor. However, the tough economy is forcing all of us to reorder our priorities and reconsider a lot of big decisions. And having a second child certainly qualifies. If you’re struggling to pay your bills now, imagine how much more difficult it would be to provide for an additional member of your family. (If only that mother with the octuplets would have been thinking as clearly as you are.)
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Dear Mr. Dad: My best friend just became the father. I used to spend three or four nights a week with them and he constantly called, texted, or e-mailed as well. Since the baby has been born it seems like he has begun systematically cutting me out of his life. Hardly any e-mails or texts, and I am only invited over once a week or so now. I have not talked to him about how I’m feeling but when we talk on the phone he acts like nothing has changed. I feel like I’m being very selfish but I really miss my buddy a lot. Is there anything I can do to get him back?

A: What you’re describing is pretty typical behavior for new parents, so don’t take his behavior personally. Chances are he’s not deliberately trying to cut you out and I’m sure he misses you too. There are a number of things going on. First of all, his primary focus is (as it should be) on taking care of his baby and his wife. Any spare time he’s got left he’d just as soon spend trying to catch up on the sleep he’s missing. Second, his natural inclination is going to be to spend more time with people who understand what he’s going through—and, since it sounds like you’re single with no children, you’re not on the short list. Sad but true. At least for now. Third, his wife may be jealous. If he spends time hanging with you, she deserves a break too, right? But with all the pressures of new motherhood, that’s not going to happen for a while. Bottom line: be patient. Your relationship with your buddy has changed—and may never be the same. But with time, you can use the foundation of the old one to start building a new one.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m almost eight months pregnant but my boyfriend and I are having relationship troubles. We’re both jobless right now, which is a strain. Plus, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad and wishes he was still single. He denies it and insists he loves me and the baby, and I know he is actively looking for a job. But I’m afraid. How can I be sure he’ll stay with me and be a good and responsible father and partner?

A: I wish there was a simple answer to your question. Unfortunately, though, relationships don’t come with a warranty, and the truth is that there’s no guaranteed way to make sure your boyfriend will stay or, if he does, that he’ll be the “good and responsible father and partner” you’re looking for.
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Mr. Dad Seal of Approval

With the winter holidays just around the corner, we’re announcing the latest recipients of the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, which recognize products and services that promote father-child relationships. We evaluated dozens of entries and selected the very best. And because economic times are tough, we also tried to select products that are affordable. Here are a few highlights. The complete list is available at our website, www.mrdad.com/seal.

• “How’d They Build That?” DVD series, from MarvelousMedia. www.marvelousmedia.net
• I Spy matching game, from Briarpatch. www.briarpatch.com
• Star Pilot, from Young Scientists Club, LLC. www.kidsciencekits.com
• Readeez Volume One, from the Readeez Company. www.readeez.com

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are looking into “co-sleeping” with our new baby girl. When I told a neighbor of mine, she shook her head and said it was too risky and would “spoil” her, causing later behavior problems. What are the risks, the benefits, and what should we do?

A: Co-sleeping, or sleeping with an infant in your adult bed, is one of the many parenting ideas that has passionate advocates and just-as-passionate detractors. The two sides are usually framed in extremes, as if you’re evil if you do it – or evil if you don’t. Obviously, it’s not that simple. As you noted, it’s best to learn the risks and benefits so you can make an informed decision.

Although it has only recently re-entered the conversation in North America, co-sleeping is not some newfangled idea. Outside of the English-speaking world it’s the norm, and before the 20th century it was standard pretty much everywhere (although it’s worth mentioning that in many countries, people share a bed with their children because the entire family lives in a single room).
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have always been actively involved in worthwhile causes and regularly volunteer at an organization that helps disadvantaged people in our community. Our children are now eight and ten. Is it too early to teach them the importance of generosity, and how do we do it?

A: Congrats to both of you for not only choosing to be part of such a worthwhile cause, but also for wanting to grow the spirit of generosity in your children. Communities all across America need more people like you, especially since many of them don’t have enough funding to help those in need.

The simple answer to your question is that it’s never too early (or too late, for that matter) to teach your children about altruism and to lay the groundwork for a lifetime commitment to helping less fortunate than themselves. This is particularly important since they live in a “me” centered society, where far too many people put their own needs ahead of others’, or ignore other people’s misfortunes altogether.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have been trying for years to have a child of our own. We’re now considering adoption. But there’s so much to think about: Should we take in a foster child first, just to see how things go? Can we trust the State adoption agency? Will we be able to afford all the associated expenses? What if we discover months or years later, that there’s something seriously wrong with the child?

A: What great questions. Adoption certainly isn’t for everyone, and the decision to adopt isn’t one to take lightly. The risks are real: you hear nightmarish, heartbreaking stories everywhere. Many prospective adoptive parents go through the training that’s required by certain adoption agencies and drop out, realizing that it might not be for them. But there are plenty of successes out there too.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Our first child is due in six months and we’ve decided I won’t be going back to work. How do we go from dual income couple to single income family without feeling the pinch too much?

A: Congratulations on thinking about this now—I’m always surprised at how many couples put off talking about money until they’re on the way home from the hospital, baby in hand.

The very first item on your list should be to pay off your credit cards. (If you don’t have any credit card debt, you’re already one step ahead). Next, start sinking your entire paycheck into savings and practice living off one salary. This will help you quickly identify any holes in your budget while you still have the security of two paychecks. Read the rest of this entry »