Dear Mr. Dad: My baby's mom and I are separated and I hardly ever get to see my 9-month old son because my ex is breastfeeding. Isn’t there some way I can spend more than just a few hours at a time with him?

A: Feeding your baby is a wonderful way for the two of you to bond with each other. And yes, there are some ways for you to increase your time with him. But before we get to that, it’s important to acknowledge that your ex is doing a fantastic thing for your son.

Current recommendations are that babies should have nothing but breast milk for the first six months of life, then, over the next six months, gradually phase out the milk and phase in solid food. As you may have heard, breastfed babies have stronger immune systems, are less likely to develop ear infections or pneumonia, and may even have higher IQs. Keep in mind, though, that it’s not the act of breastfeeding that gives babies all these advantages; it’s the actual breast milk itself.

Most mothers will express, or pump, their breast milk using a breast pump. The milk can stay in the refrigerator for up to a week or be frozen for several months. Later, when your baby is with you, you’ll give him that milk in a bottle. Using pumped breast milk will allow you to take your son overnight—but you and your ex will have to cooperate. Unfortunately, using a breast pump can make women feel like a cow. And pumps aren’t cheap (they can cost as much as $350). She can rent one, but long term, that will end up costing even more. If your ex won’t provide breast milk, you could give your baby formula—if your pediatrician agrees—until he hits 12 months, which is when he can start drinking cow’s milk. But your wife would still need to pump when the baby’s with you to keep up her milk supply.

If your son has never had a bottle, introducing one might be tricky. Here are some tips:

• Practice. Don’t wait until you have your son for a full day before trying a bottle. Drinking from a bottle is different than breastfeeding so give your baby a chance to get the hang of it.
• Offer a bottle a little earlier than his regular feeding time so he’s not starving.
• Ask your ex to go somewhere else while you’re introducing the bottle. Babies can smell their mothers up to 20 feet away and he may not want to try something new if he can smell her breast
• Don’t force it. If your son resists, try again a little later. You might also try putting some breast milk on the nipple of the bottle, experimenting with a different type of nipple, or changing positions.
• If your son flat out refuses to take a bottle, try putting the milk in a sippy cup.

Most babies your son’s age have already started eating at least some solid foods (although “solid” is hardly the right word—“soupy” or “mushy” would be closer). In fact, it’s possible that several of his daytime snacks and feedings in a row consist entirely of baby food (the kind you can buy in the grocery store). This opens up the opportunity for you to take your son for a pretty good stretch. However, to quickly identify allergies, introduce new foods slowly—one at a time every few days. And make sure you and your ex are sharing this information with each other.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m in charge of installing our 16-month old daughter’s car seat and my wife says I need to turn it around to rear-facing again because there’s a new regulation. But my daughter loves looking forward. Is it really necessary to make her face rear again?

A: Your wife is referring to the updated recommendations by the American Academy of Pediatrics (probably the most reliable source of information on children’s health and safety) that were published in April 2011. Until then, the APP advised parents to strap their babies into rear-facing car seats until they were at least a year old or weighed 20 pounds—whichever came latest. The new recommendation is to keep toddlers facing backwards until age two, or until they reach the maximum height and weight limits for their rear-facing car seat.

The Academy based its new policy on some recent research that indicates that rear-facing car seats better distribute the force from an impact. That, in turn, protects the baby’s delicate neck, spine, and head in the event of a crash. These findings are pretty conclusive: One of the studies, done in 2007, revealed that kids under two are 75 percent less likely to die or be severely injured in an accident if they’re facing the rear. Since 1997, the number of children killed in crashes has steadily decreased. But with 5,000 children dying as a result of auto accidents every year, crashes are still the leading cause of death for children over age four. In addition to the fatalities about 90,000 children are injured badly enough to require hospitalization and two million suffer injuries that require some kind of medical attention.

As you can see, car seats are serious business. But the Academy’s new recommendations are just guidelines and have no legal authority (at least not yet). Hopefully, though, I’ve got you convinced that you should wait a while longer before having your daughter face forward—no matter how much she wants to see where she’s going instead of where she’s been. Depending on how big she gets and what kind of seat she’s in, she may actually outgrow her rear-facing car seat before she hits two. Or, if she’s small, she may have to wait even longer.

Every state has its own car-seat regulations. Some set very specific age and weight limits (or minimums) and clearly state when it’s okay to switch from rear-facing to front-facing. Others simply require that a child be kept in a “child safety seat” up to a certain age (usually four), without specifying which way that seat should face. After that, you can switch to a booster seat until age seven or so. (The Academy, however, also revised its recommendations for older kids, advising that they stay in booster seats until they’re 57 inches tall—4 foot 9—a height some kids won’t reach before age 12.) And if you’ve looked at your car’s sun visors lately, you’ve probably seen the warnings that children under 12 or 13 should never be allowed to ride in the vehicle’s front seat.

Bottom line: Assuming that your 16-month old daughter is over 20 pounds, it’s not currently against the law to have her facing front (as long as she’s in the back seat of the car). However, why take unnecessary risks? The evidence is crystal clear on this one: she’ll be a lot safer facing the other direction.

Dear Mr. Dad: My husband is deployed overseas right now and we just had our baby girl. He was home for the birth, but had to leave only 20 days after. He really doesn’t seem to take much interest in her. We talk over Skype all the time but he still keeps some emotional distance between him and our daughter. How can I let him know that he’s a father and help him actually feel like one?

A: First, my sincere thanks to you and your husband (and your daughter) for your service to our country. Thanks also for trying to help your husband—he’s lucky to have you in his corner. There has been a lot of talk lately about supporting our military families and I applaud the efforts of Michelle Obama and Jill Biden to bring those needs to light. But despite their good work, almost all of their efforts have been aimed at supporting the families back home (which is incredibly important).

Unfortunately, there are almost no resources that focus on the needs of the deployed servicemembers themselves. That’s precisely why I wrote my book, “The Military Father: A Hands-on Guide for Deployed Dads.” Military dads (and moms) need as much support as they can get to help them maintain strong relationships with their children and spouse. And don’t be fooled: This isn’t just a nice-to-have kind of thing. Research has shown that when servicemembers feel connected to and needed by their family, and feel like they know what’s happening at home and are an important part of it, some of the effects of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can be reduced. On the flip side, feeling disconnected, unimportant, unneeded, unloved, or unappreciated aggravates PTSD and contributes directly to the increased rates of divorce and suicide in military families.

Sadly, the dynamic you so poignantly described is very common among young military dads. When you think about it, it makes pretty good sense. There are a number of things that could be going on. To start with, your husband may be feeling rather useless and he may be putting up all that emotional distance as a way of protecting himself. After all, he’s thousands of miles away while you’re there every day with the baby. In his mind he’ll never be able to catch up, and his daughter will never love him as much as she loves you. There’s also a good chance that your husband has heard stories from some of the other dads in his unit who’ve been through multiple deployments. They may have told him how incredibly painful it is to come home and have your baby or toddler cry or run away and hide instead of giving you a huge welcome-home-daddy hug.

He also may be trying to protect your daughter. If he’s concerned that he won’t be coming home (and it would be surprising if those thoughts didn’t cross his mind), he may have decided that there’s no sense in getting too attached to her—or for her to start getting too attached to him. An irrational—but completely understandable—line of thinking.

So what can you do? Remind him often of how important he is to you and your daughter, and how much you need him. Tell him that you show the baby his picture and talk about him every day. Send him pictures, handprints, and other reminders (don’t try to get the baby to say Hi to daddy on Skype. Babies are notorious for going on strike—and screaming or crying—when they’re supposed to be performing).
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Dear Mr. Dad: Ever since my son was born, three years ago, I have been a stay-at-home mom. Now, I have to go back to work to supplement our income. I found a good daycare facility for him, but, I am really worried that my son will resent me and that this will somehow affect his emotional development.

A: Well, you’re certainly not alone. Whether by choice or economic necessity, more and more moms (and dads) of pre-schoolers are heading back to work, entrusting their children to some kind of childcare.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. In fact, I’d argue that you and your son have been very lucky that you were able to stay at home with him for those all-important first three years.

But don’t just take my word for it. Last year, researchers at Columbia University in New York released a study showing that young children don't (as had been previously suggested) necessarily suffer cognitive setbacks just because their mothers work.

But wait—there’s more. A long-running study carried out by the U.S. National Institutes of Health indicates that children who go to a high-quality childcare (as is your son’s case) actually score slightly higher in academic and cognitive achievement years later, as teenagers. (If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that these studies tend to come in cycles. There’ll be a group that shows “conclusively” that children who are in daycare suffer all sorts of psychological, emotional, physical, and academic problems. Those studies are followed by others that show—as the ones I just cited—that daycare kids are better off. It’s one of those never-ending chicken and egg things.)
There’s also other research suggesting that a daycare environment helps children acquire good social skills, expand their vocabulary, and better prepares them academically than their stay-at-home counterparts. In addition, children who have attended daycare adjust better to kindergarten than those who spent their early years at home. And they tend to have healthier immune systems.

Your task now is to prepare your son for daycare, since it can be an overwhelming experience for a lot of kids.

• Start by explaining what daycare is and what he’s going to do there: play with other children, do fun activities, learn new things, etc. Make sure to sound positive and upbeat, and try not to pass your own anxiety on to him.
• Tell him that you’ll drop him off every morning, but that you, his dad, or someone else he knows will always pick him up at the end of the day.
• If possible, visit the facility ahead of time—with your son— so he can get a taste for the daily routine, and so he can meet the other kids and the caretakers he’ll be spending so many hours with.
• On the first day, allow yourself enough time to spend half an hour or so with your son at the facility before leaving. Be prepared for a flood of tears (he might cry too). A lot of children cry the first day or so, especially if they aren’t used to being left with strangers.

No matter how hard this is for you (it might actually be harder than on him), tell yourself that you’ve found the best possible child care option for your son and that he will be none the worse for it. After all, children are often more resilient and adaptable than adults, and they tend to better deal with change in their lives.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 10 month old son. For the past two months, he and i have enjoyed "wrestling" – that is, I lie on my back and he crawls around on top of me and slides off or rolls off (guided so he doesn't really crash). I also occasionally hold him upside down by his hips. In all of this, my son laughs. Mom is not good with our wrestling and thinks I am far too rough. Can you offer some guidance?

A: You say three things in your letter that tell me you’re taking reasonable precautions. First, you’re making sure your son doesn’t crash. Shaken Baby Syndrome—which can cause brain damage, spinal cord injuries, and worse—isn’t always about shaking. Abrupt jerking or whiplash motions could cause problems too. So guiding him from your chest to the floor is a good idea.

Second, you’re keeping a firm grip on your baby as you hold him upside down. There’s nothing inherently dangerous about being upside down—after all, babies spend a good portion of their time in the womb with their feet in the air. Your wife may be worried that you’ll cause brain damage or that you’ll dislocate your baby’s hips, knees, or ankles. There’s absolutely no evidence that validates either of those fears. (All three of my children spent half their life dangling upside down and they’re all doing just fine, physically and intellectually.) As long as you’re not swinging your baby, and as long as you’re keeping his head from snapping around, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Third—and most important—is that your baby is laughing. He may not be able to speak actual words, but he’s perfectly capable of communicating pleasure and displeasure—and he’s not going to be terribly subtle about it. If your baby wasn’t having a good time, he’d let you know by fussing, crying, or trying to wriggle out of your arms. Just be sure to pay close attention to how he’s reacting and stop immediately when it’s not fun anymore (for the baby, not for you—although you should stop then too).

As far as guidance, I’ve got several suggestions.

• Make an appointment with your baby’s pediatrician and consider it a kind of binding arbitration. Demonstrate for the doc what you’re doing at home. If you get a thumbs up, your wife agrees to back off. If it’s a thumbs down, you agree to adjust your baby handling to whatever the doc says is safe.
• Assuming that the pediatrician okays your baby gymnastics routines, it might be a good idea to do your training at a time your wife isn’t going to be around to worry.
• Talk to your wife. She wouldn’t have married you if she really thought that you’d be a danger to children. Tell her that there’s lots of evidence that babies who wrestle with their fathers grow up to have more highly developed social skills—including empathy—than kids who don’t get as much time rolling around with dad.
• Expand your horizons. There are plenty of ways to interact physically with your baby that are a bit calmer. For example, babies his age love chasing and being chased, so get out your knee pads and start crawling.
• Time your physical activity. Too soon after a meal and you’ll end up having to wash baby spit-up off your shoes and the floor. Too close to bedtime and your baby may have trouble settling into sleep mode.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is due in three months and we’ve seen ads and flyers for cord blood banking. Several of our friends have signed up for it. Is it really worthwhile?

A: Not all that long ago, placentas and umbilical cords were considered medical waste. But today, the stem cells found in umbilical cords can be used to treat dozens of conditions, including leukemia and some cancers. And as technology advances, researchers are looking at cord blood stem cells as a possible cure for everything from torn ligaments and diabetes, to heart disease, Alzheimer's, and spinal cord injury.

So when it comes to your baby’s umbilical cord, you have three basic options: throw it away, donate it to a public cord blood bank, or bank it privately. Because of the tremendous potential benefits, I strongly recommend that you NOT toss it out. Let me give you some of the pros and cons of the other two options:
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