Dear Mr. Dad, I was changing my two year old daughter’s diaper after she’d come home from spending the day with her father (he and I are not together). She was touching herself and I told her to stop because her hands were dirty. She then said that “daddy touches me here.” I am completely freaking out. Why would he do something like that to her? Should I call the police?

A: I know I’m going to take a lot of flak for this, but the first thing you need to do is take a big, deep breath and calm down. Your natural reaction to hearing what your daughter said is to jump into action and do everything you possibly can to protect her—what parent wouldn’t? Ordinarily, I’d suggest erring on the side of caution and immediately making the call to the authorities. But before you pick up the phone, you need to be absolutely sure you know exactly what’s going on.

Taking your daughter to the emergency room for a cough that turns out to be nothing more than a cold may cost you a few extra co-pay dollars and leave you feeling a little embarrassed. But making a child abuse report for something that that turns out to be a misunderstanding is completely different. Many family law attorneys call a child abuse accusation the nuclear bomb of divorce cases, and with good reason: Once you start the process there is no going back. Ever. I've done a lot of research and writing on accusations of child abuse and I've seen too many cases where unfounded (and sometimes deliberately false) accusations have completely destroyed the lives of the accused.

As you know, diaper changing involves touching a child in a way that in any other circumstance would be completely inappropriate. And while no one wants to believe that a child would lie about something as serious as abuse, the fact is that you’re dealing with a two-year old. Kids that age still have trouble differentiating fact from fiction and are notoriously unreliable witnesses.

So what should you do? Start with checking in with your gut. Do you honestly have any reason to believe that your daughter’s father would abuse her? The answer is probably No. But don’t leave it at that—we’ve all heard of cases where people no one would ever suspect (priests, coaches, trusted relatives) have done the most horrible things.

If you have a good relationship with your ex, ask him if he's noticed anything different about your daughter, whether she's behaving oddly or saying strange things while she's with him. If he hasn't, tell him what your daughter said. But choose your words carefully. Your goal here is to gather information. Coming out and accusing him is a guaranteed conversation stopper.

You may want to get some advice from a close friend, but be careful: certain people—doctors, therapists, day care workers, and others are what’s called “mandated reporters,” meaning that they are required to report any suspicion of abuse—even if they aren’t 100 percent sure.

Although it’s tempting, try not to ask your daughter any more about this. Toddlers have an uncanny ability to read our expressions and will adapt what they say to what they think we want to hear—even if it’s completely made up. So wait a little and see whether she brings it up again without any prompting.

I’m not trying to minimize your fears—just hearing your story makes me wince. I just want you to be absolutely sure before you pick up that phone.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have postpartum depression pretty bad, and I feel like my husband thinks I'm faking it. How can I help him understand that I seriously need his help?

A: Brava to you—most women who have post partum depression don’t get the help they need, often because they’re embarrassed to ask for it. Fortunately for you, your husband, and your baby, you’re not most women. So start by showing your husband this column—hopefully he’ll get the hint.
Almost all new moms go through the “baby blues”—mild sadness, mood swings, anxiety, weepiness, loss of sleep and/or appetite, and inability to make decisions. Most of the time, the symptoms go away on their own within a few weeks or a month.

Ten to 20 percent of moms develop actual “postpartum depression.” The symptoms are similar, but more serious: major appetite changes, an inability to take pleasure in the baby or life in general, unexplained episodes of crying, extreme feelings of anxiety or fear, decreased sex drive, difficulty sleeping, and feelings of guilt or shame.

At the very least, your husband should be helping you eat right and exercise. He also needs to be taking on more of the baby-related work and making sure you get enough sleep.

Untreated, symptoms of postpartum depression can last for years. Research shows that babies of depressed mothers reach certain developmental milestones later than other babies. And they’re more likely to become depressed themselves. The more he helps you, the more he’s helping your baby—and the more he’s helping himself by getting some much-needed practice.

Dear Mr. Dad: When my father was around, it wasn't exactly a good thing. The only things he taught me were what not to be like. How do I be a good dad? How do I teach my children something I don't know? I want to be a great dad, but I have a terrible feeling of doom. Please Help.

A: Like it or not, your relationship with your dad when you were a kid is going to have some influence on your relationship with your own children. But that’s not necessarily bad news. A lot of dads who had rocky or non-existent relationships with their father worry, as you do, that they’re destined to follow the same path. Some dads, perhaps trying to protect their children, end up withdrawing physically and emotionally. A bad situation for everyone.

People who had good relationships with their dads generally don’t worry as much about these things. Just having had a good role model gives them a feeling of confidence that they can take the best parts and leave out the rest. You can do the same. Yes, your past relationships will influence your present ones, but you have a huge amount of choice in the matter. Most guys whose dads were less than they should have been are able to absorb whatever good stuff (if any) they got from the old man and dump the bad.

There’s plenty of research to back me up on this: men whose fathers were distant or un-nurturing often end up providing particularly high levels of care for their children's social, emotional, academic, and intellectual development. And men whose dads supervised them inconsistently or inadequately, as well as men whose dads threatened, spanked (a lot), or frightened them as boys often turn things around and spend a lot of time working on their children's physical and athletic development in childhood.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I sometimes fight when our children, eight and ten, are present. We know we probably shouldn’t argue in front of them but things are sometimes so tense that we can’t stop ourselves (I recently lost my job and we’re facing possible foreclosure). How damaging is it to argue in front of children, and how can we stop?

A: You’re right: you probably shouldn’t argue in front of your children. Some studies have found that kids whose parents fight a lot may become depressed, anxious, or withdrawn. They may also imitate their parents and pick fights with siblings, friends, and even other adults.

That said, it’s completely unrealistic to think that you and your wife should never argue at all. Disagreements are a natural part of even the best relationships. In fact, not having any arguments might be worse than an occasional flare-up. Small quarrels are good for letting off steam—and given your precarious financial situation, you’re producing enough steam to supply your whole neighborhood with electricity. Keeping it all bottled up will eventually lead to a huge explosion. Exposing your kids to small amounts of conflict—along with the same number of make-ups—demonstrates effective problem-solving skills and shows that fighting with someone you love is not the end of the world.

So your challenge isn’t really to step arguing at all, but to find ways to handle your disagreements constructively. One excellent approach is to agree that when you see that an argument is in danger of turning ugly, you’ll stop and give yourselves time to cool off. Come up with a secret word or phrase that either one of you can say that signals it’s time for a break. If you’re able to postpone the argument for a bit, chances are that one of three things will happen: You’ll be able to discuss things more calmly, you’ll realize that the issue wasn’t as big a deal as you thought, or you’ll forget what you were arguing about in the first place.

Of course, despite your best intentions, you’re never going to be able to stop yourselves every time. Here are some things to do when your kids end up with front-row seats:

• Fight fair. No yelling, no swearing, no personal insults, no threats, no door slamming or vase throwing, and certainly no physical violence of any kind, ever.
• Damage control. Talk to your children about what they saw. Don’t go into details or lay any blame. Simply tell them that you and mom disagreed and lost your tempers, but now you’ve made up and everything is okay.
• Don’t pretend things are fine when they aren’t. Your kids are old enough to understand that you’ll all need to make some sacrifices for the good of the family. But don’t panic them—they need to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there to care for them.
• Reassure. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ conflicts. Let them know it’s not their fault.
• Explain. If possible, tell your children how you resolved the issue. For example: “We disagreed on where to spend the holidays, but compromised by going to grandma’s on Christmas Eve and to Aunt Mary’s on Christmas Day.”
• Have some fun, either as a family or in smaller groups. And make sure your kids see you and their mom are genuinely happy and in love.

Finally, if your fights become more frequent, more aggressive, or if either of you can’t control or manage your temper, get some professional counseling.

Dear Mr. Dad: We just had a baby and are eager to introduce her to my parents. But they live quite far away and are too old to travel. How soon is it safe to fly with an infant?

A: Unfortunately, there is no hard and fast rule. Some experts advise waiting until the baby is at least six weeks old before flying, largely because airplanes are essentially giant, germ-filled tubes. Others say that if the baby is healthy, there’s no need to wait. Ultimately—assuming there are no health issues—you should hold off until you feel comfortable with the whole idea of traveling with an infant.

Personally, I think that four to six months is a great age to introduce babies to flying. They’re generally pretty happy to be held for hours at a time (once they start crawling, all bets are off), they sleep a lot, and don’t need a ton of stuff yet (especially if you’re breastfeeding).

Before booking your flight, have your pediatrician clear your baby for take-off. If she was born prematurely or has any respiratory conditions, she may be grounded for a while because of the low-oxygen environment in the pressurized cabins. Also, if your baby is sick, you’ll probably want to postpone the trip.

Next, check with the airline. Some have policies against newborns flying until they reach a certain age, such as 7 days old. Most airlines allow babies to fly as a “lap child” (meaning they fly free but don’t have a seat and need to stay in your lap) until age two. However, the FAA recommends buying a seat for all infants and bringing your FAA-approved car seat on board so your baby can be strapped in (rather than on your lap) because that is the safest place. (If you hold your baby, put the seat belt around your waist, and hold the baby outside of it).

A warning: Traveling with an infant is infinitely more complex than traveling solo. A delayed flight or sitting on the runway for an extra two hours may have been annoying before, but with a baby, it can be torture. Here are some tips to smooth out some of the potential bumps:

• Pack at least one diaper for every hour of travel, plus a few extras (there’s no such thing as too many diapers).
• If your baby is formula-fed, bring twice as much as you think you’ll need. The TSA’s 3-ounce restriction for liquids doesn’t apply to infant formula or pumped breast milk (as long as you are traveling with your baby) so you should be able to carry-on as much as you’d like. But get there extra early, in case you have to educate the screeners.
• During flight, if your baby is in pain–especially during take-off and landing—it’s probably due to changes in ear pressure. Breastfeeding or sucking on a bottle or pacifier might help.
• The air on planes is dry so feed your baby often to avoid dehydration.
• Bring lots of extra clothes in case of diapers leaking, spit-up, or worse (bring some for the baby too) and a changing pad (airplane lavatories often have a tiny changing table, but it’s often easier to do it at your seat).
• Skip the early boarding. Send one parent ahead to set things up while the other waits until the last possible second to bring the baby on board.
• Find out the airline’s policy about gate checking strollers and car seats. Most won’t charge you, but that could change at any moment.

Dear Mr. Dad: I thought I was doing the right thing by slathering my 1-year old with sunscreen when we go outside, but I just read that the chemicals in sunscreen could be more harmful than the sun. Now what are we supposed to do?

A: Summer is winding down, but there are still plenty of sunny days ahead, so your question comes at a good time. For years, we’ve been programmed to practically marinate our kids in sunscreen before sending them outside. But recently, as you point out, the effectiveness—and safety—of that strategy is in question.

Before we get to the actual ingredients of sunscreen, let’s talk about the vocabulary, which can often be contradictory, confusing, or both. In June 2011, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) tried to deal with this issue by coming up with new regulations for sunscreen labeling, including requiring a “drug facts” box, forbidding claims such as “sunblock” or “waterproof,” and clarifying which products can be labeled “broad spectrum” (meaning that they protect against both UVB and the more deadly UVA rays). Unfortunately, these requirements don’t go into effect until summer 2012.

Okay, back to ingredients. In a 2010 study, the Environmental Working Group (EWG), a nonprofit watchdog, reported that only 39 of the 500 sunscreen products they examined were safe and effective. The study claims sunscreens flaunt false sun protection (SPF) ratings, that one commonly ingredient, oxybenzone, is a hormone-disrupting chemical that can affect puberty, and another, retinyl palmitate (a derivative of Vitamin A), could actually accelerate some cancers instead of preventing them. But the emphasis needs to be on the word “could” as the research is hardly definitive.

The American Academy of Dermatology, for example, maintains that sunscreens—even those with oxybenzone and retinyl palmitate—are safe for most people over the age of six months. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) agrees, but recommends that babies under six months be kept out of direct sunlight and shouldn’t wear sunscreen except in very small areas, such as their hands. For babies over six months, the AAP recommends sunscreen but says the best protection is limiting sun exposure—especially around midday—and wearing protective clothing, including a hat.

If you’re concerned about sunscreen chemicals, look for “chemical-free” or “mineral-based” brands that don’t contain oxybenzone. These mainly use zinc oxide or titanium dioxide as the active ingredient, both of which form an actual barrier on the skin without being absorbed and start working immediately upon application.

But don’t go overboard. In small doses, the sun is actually healthy. Those UVB rays help our bodies produce vitamin D which is essential for healthy immune systems and bones. If you’re going to be out in the sun for a few hours, you and your children need protection; if you’re just running around for 10 minutes, you should be okay (but check with your pediatrician to be sure).

Here’s how to protect babies and toddlers from the sun:

• Limit exposure to direct sunlight, especially between 10am and 4pm when rays are strongest.
• Use protective lightweight clothing to cover up, including a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses (if they pull them off, keep putting them back on).
• If you’re not using a zinc or titanium blocks, apply sunscreen 30 minutes before going outside so it has plenty of time to get absorbed into the skin. But regardless of the type of sunscreen, reapply every two hours or after swimming (no sunscreen is completely waterproof.)
• Don’t fear the sun. A little every day is good for you.

Dear Mr. Dad: My son loves his pacifier, but he’s almost three and my wife says it’s time for him to give it up. But when I try to take it away he doesn’t sleep and cries hysterically. What’s wrong with a pacifier?

A: The day-to-day life of a toddler can be a lot more stressful than we realize. New activities all the time, constant field trips and errands, new friends, a transition to preschool—and then someone comes along and tries to take away the one thing in life he can always count on: the binky. It sounds like your son’s pacifiers have become “transitional objects”—something (as opposed to some person) he uses to soothe himself and relieve stress. If so, it might be wise to let him keep using it until he develops other coping mechanisms.

Besides relieving a child’s stress and giving him a sense of comfort and security, there are other benefits associated with pacifier use. One of the biggest is that pacifier use seems to reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). The connection is so strong that the American Academy of Pediatrics actually endorses pacifier use. According to the AAP, most children break the pacifier habit on their own between ages 2 and 4. In addition, some parents (and researchers) believe that taking away the pacifier too soon may forcethe child to find a different comfort measure, like sucking her thumb or shirt sleeves, pulling her own hair, or carrying around a blankie.

That said, there are plenty of folks who believe that pacifiers shouldn’t be used after a baby’s first birthday. There’s a lot of disagreement about this, but in fairness, here are some of their reasons:

• With a pacifier in his mouth, your son may talk less and may have problems with pronunciation. Taken to an extreme level, binky use could damage his tongue and lip muscles, which in turn could delay his language development and might even cause a lisp.
• For young babies, dependence on a pacifier for sleep means they’ll wake up and need your help finding it if the thing falls out of their mouth at night.
• Newborns may have trouble learning to breastfeed properly if they get a pacifier before breastfeeding is well established.
• Although no one can say exactly why, some studies link pacifiers to increased risk of ear infections.
• Prolonged pacifier use might cause buck teeth. This isn’t an issue for baby teeth—they move back into position after a few pacifier-free months—but it could be a problem with adult teeth, which typically appear around 4-6 years. The American Dental Association and the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry discourage pacifiers after age four.

The best way to settle this is to ask your son’s pediatrician and dentist (if he’s doesn’t have one, he should). If you decide to give up the pacifier, here are some strategies to try:

• Give them away (tell your son he’s giving them to babies who need pacifiers, or have him leave them under his pillow for the pacifier fairy).
• Exchange them for a toy.
• Cold turkey—just throw them away (for example, after his 3rd birthday when he’s officially a “big boy”).
• Ease the transition away from the pacifier habit by offering a reward for achieving a specified number of pacifier-free days or for giving it up completely.
• Rely on peer pressure. Surround your son with other (pacifier-free) children and he may decide he doesn’t want to be the only “baby” using a pacifier.