Dear Mr. Dad: My boyfriend’s former wife does not co-parent with him at all. I have seen vulgar emails, heard her use foul language in front of the kids and tell them “your father is kicking us out of our home.” She signs them up for things without confirming it with him but expects for him to pay, without question of course. I could go on and on but you get the point. I know he’s getting pushed to his limit and something needs to be done. He says he feels like he’s drowning but no one will throw him a life raft. How can I help him?

A: Thank you so much for your email. Your boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to have you in his corner. Your support and encouragement will make a huge difference in his life and will make it easier for him to maintain good relationships with his kids. At the same time, though, you’re in an incredibly delicate and difficult situation. More on that in a minute.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I have been married 12 years, and have a 7-year old son. The problem is that my husband is a terrible role model. When he’s angry, he throws things around the house. Our son has already picked up on this and now does the same when things don’t go his way. My husband is also verbally abusive and curses me in front of our son. He blames everything on me and now the boy has started doing the same. He opposes every household rule I set. I tell our son to brush his teeth and take a shower, dad says it’s okay not to. I could go on, but you get the point. I’m considering divorce and I want to know whether my son would be better off without his father.

A: Sounds like you’re in a terrible–and possibly dangerous–situation. The short answer to your question is that I don’t think your son would be better off without his father. He may be a bad parent and an all around jerk, but the boy loves and needs him.
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Dear Mr. Dad: How do I find a way to forgive my 22-year old daughter for attending the marriage of her mother and the man she had an affair with. I have tried and tried and it’s just not in me. I felt my daughter should have informed her mother that she could not attend out of respect for me.

A: I know it’s hard, but you need to take a deep breath and let it go. The fact that your daughter attended her mother’s wedding has nothing to do with the way she feels about you. I’m sure she knows exactly what happened between you and her mother but like it or not, she loves her mother–lousy behavior and all.
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Dear Mr. Dad: A young family recently moved in next door. There’s always a lot of yelling and door slamming and I’ve noticed that the boy who lives there, who looks about 10, often has bruises on his face, arms, and legs. Whenever I see him, he seems afraid to make eye contact. I don’t want to rush to judgment and accuse the parents of abuse, but I also don’t want to turn a blind eye in case I’m right. What should I do?

A: Thank you for speaking up and for your concern—you’ve just identified several classic warning signs of abuse. You’ve also stumbled into a very tough, very complex situation (one that I’m sure will generate angry emails from readers no matter how I answer the question).
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Dear Mr. Dad: I am currently dating a divorced father of two. I am having trouble communicating to him that being a good father does not exempt him from being a good partner. How can I get him to see my point of view without putting him on the defensive?

A: In a perfect world, you’re right–being a good father wouldn’t exempt your boyfriend from being a good partner. But I have to tell you that most single dads would make the same choice. Their priority is their children—giving them stability and protecting them from going through another breakup. When dating a divorced dad you have to understand that his kids are part of the package. You can’t have one without the other. And if you ever put him in a situation where he feels he has to choose between the kids and you, he’ll go with them every time.
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Dear Mr. Dad: When my kids were young I worked a lot and wasn’t around as much as I wanted to be. But now that I’m retired and a grandfather, how can I make up for it and build strong relationships with my grandkids?

A: There’s no way to make up for lost time, but there are some excellent ways to be an active, involved part of your grandchildren’s life.

• Stay connected. Call, write, email, text, Skype, or twitter. There are tons of ways to keep in touch.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My 24-year-old daughter just moved back into my home, which I also share with my 80-year-old mother. She recently quit her job as a nurse and is working as a bartender instead. Many nights she doesn’t come home at all, and rolls in at 6-7 a.m. the next morning. I don’t ask questions—she’s an adult. But I have asked her repeatedly, just out of common courtesy, to let me know if she’s going to be out all night. First, this is so I can go to sleep and not worry every time I hear a noise. Second, her dog keeps me up half the night with his pacing and whining and won’t stop until my daughter gets home. Still, she refuses to let me know. How can I convince her to check in—for everyone’s peace of mind?

A: You said it perfectly: she’s an adult. And at 24, she should start acting like one—treating people with the same level of respect she’d like from any guest in her home. It’s perfectly reasonable to tell your daughter exactly what you wrote: that she’s causing you and your mother to worry and that her dog is keeping you up at night. If she’s going to stay out all night, she needs to a) let you know well in advance, and b) make arrangements for someone else to take care of the dog. It’s your house and you’re entitled to set the rules (and those are pretty easy rules to live by). You’re happy to host her for as long as she needs, but only if she’ll stop acting like an irresponsible—and inconsiderate—teenager. If she refuses to go along with the program, tell her she’ll have to find another place to stay.

Mr. Dad Seal of Approval

With the winter holidays just around the corner, we’re announcing the latest recipients of the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, which recognize products and services that promote father-child relationships. We evaluated dozens of entries and selected the very best. And because economic times are tough, we also tried to select products that are affordable. Here are a few highlights. The complete list is available at our website, www.mrdad.com/seal.

• “How’d They Build That?” DVD series, from MarvelousMedia. www.marvelousmedia.net
• I Spy matching game, from Briarpatch. www.briarpatch.com
• Star Pilot, from Young Scientists Club, LLC. www.kidsciencekits.com
• Readeez Volume One, from the Readeez Company. www.readeez.com

Dear Mr. Dad: How can I spend quality time with my eleven-year-old daughter outside of going shopping all day? I realize that’s her passion these days, but honestly, I don’t have much to contribute on a shopping spree (except money, of course).

A: Oh, come on, shopping isn’t that bad! Actually, I’m with you on this one. There’s something about setting foot in a department store that makes my back hurt and my head ache. Fortunately, with a little advance planning, it’s possible to survive your tween’s occasional shopping trips while building a solid relationship along the way.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are about to get a divorce. We have a one-year old boy and she’s pregnant with our second. Here’s the problem: She’s been having an affair for the past two years and I’m concerned that the children aren’t actually mine. What can I do to protect myself?

A: I’m sorry about your situation. Divorce is never easy, and it’s even tougher when you’ve been cheated on and children are involved.

Hire a lawyer immediately. Then get DNA tests for you and the children. Expect to pay upwards of $400 for the testing, but given the horror stories I’ve heard from men in your situation, it’s a worthwhile expense.

Your goal is to avoid becoming a victim of “Paternity Fraud.” This is when a mother lies about who a child’s father is for the purposes of monetary gain. In your case, you could be on the hook for 18 or more years of child support for a child or children who aren’t yours.
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