Dear Mr. Dad: When I married my husband, my biological son was 5. My husband adopted him two years later. My husband is financially and spiritually supportive, but he doesn’t seem interested in playing or doing "dad" type stuff with our son. I would love for him to initiate catch, going to batting cages, or anything family oriented, but he doesn’t. I’m starting to resent that all he wants to do is work on the house on weekends. Help me understand him.

A: There are all sorts of reasons that could explain your husband's behavior. When he became part of your son's life, he had already "missed" five years, along with the familiarity, confidence, and competence that comes from being there from the very beginning. As a result, he may simply not know what to do with the boy. This is especially true if he was an only child or had little or no experience with young kids.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My mom is 46 and has been divorced from our dad for two years. Recently she met Doug, who’s 33. He seems nice enough and mom says she’s happy, but my sister and I (both in our early 20s) think she’s making a big mistake dating a man only a few years older than her daughters. Can an age-gap relationship like that really work out?

A: I wish it weren’t the case, but the simple answer is that there’s no guarantee any relationship—age-appropriate or not—will work out in the long run. As you and your sister know first-hand, the divorce rate in this country is very high, and couples have all sorts of reasons (some better than others) for splitting up. If your mom and her young boyfriend do break up, the age difference may not have anything to do with it at all.
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Dear Mr. Dad. I’m getting divorced. My spouse is acting horribly and I have to admit that I haven’t been behaving much better. I’m angry and I find myself wanting to punish him. But maintaining this level of intensity is exhausting—and I can see that it’s hurting our children. Is there a way for me to start taking the high road at this point?

A: In a word, Yes. Since you and your spouse know each other’s buttons better than anyone, it’s easy to slip into defensive, uncooperative, and hostile mode. So kudos to you for recognizing the problem and making the first move to change things.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My child’s mother and I never married and we split before the baby was born. Nevertheless, she and I used to share parenting equally. We compromised, worked out schedules, and we both spent lots of time with our daughter. But about a year ago, I got married. And immediately, the mother cut me back to seeing my daughter only every other weekend. Two months later, she moved in with a man. Since then, she barely lets me see my daughter at all. My wife and my little girl (who’s now three) have a very strong relationship. The mom and I have been fighting for over a year and I finally got her to agree to go to mediation with me to come up with a parenting plan. What can I reasonably ask for? How can I get anything when she has all the power just for being mom?

A: You put your finger on the problem perfectly–your child's mother has all the power simply because she's the mother. Well, nearly all the power.

Every time I address the issue of single fathers in this column, I hear from lawyers insisting that unmarried parents have the same rights as married ones. Well, that may be true on paper, but it’s rarely the way things play out in real life.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My daughter is 19 and has been in rehab three times. When she was five, her mother died and my daughter was placed in foster care because I wasn’t mentally stable enough to care for her. She was then adopted by her foster parents, but they divorced. Now I’ve got my life together and she’s coming back to live with me. How do we re-establish trust and rebuild our relationship after all these years? I’m scared and don’t know what to do.

A: Wow, what a difficult situation for both of you. But most of all for your daughter. She lost her mom at a young age and has been shuttled around between different homes and families ever since. You don’t say what kind of addiction issues she had that landed her in rehab so many times, but it’s pretty safe to assume that it has something to do with her unstable life. You also don’t mention whether the two of you had any contact at all over the past 14 years, or whether you’ll be building your father-daughter relationship completely from scratch.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I'm divorced and have full custody of my daughter. I've been dating someone for about six months and we practically live together, but I don’t think she’s doing enough to help me out. She says that this is her first real relationship and wants to take things slow. She never offers to help on her own—only does when I ask her to. Am I over reacting? I mean, she knew I had a daughter from the beginning and knows that my daughter is my world. I can't understand why she’s so unwilling to help.

A: Becoming a step-mother is a huge step–especially for a woman who's never had a real relationship before. I think that by taking it easy, she's doing the right thing. It's very hard even for more experienced women to get into a situation where they know they're going to be playing second fiddle. As you said, your daughter is your world. In non-step relationships, your girlfriend would be your world. She wants–and needs–to have a solid relationship with you before she can feel confident in her role as step-mother. So don't take her reluctance to get involved as an indication of lack of support or lack of caring on her part.
She's probably just trying to find her footing. Be patient, let her know that she's incredibly important to you, and ask how you can help. She needs to know that you love her for herself and not because you're looking for a mother for your child (I know you're not, but sometimes it looks that way from the outside). Asking your girlfriend to take on a parental role before she's even had much of a chance to be a spouse, is pushing things too quickly.

Finally, keep your expectations reasonable. Do not expect that your daughter and girlfriend will love each other (or even like each other) right away. It may happen, but it might not. Ever.

Dear Mr. Dad: This is my second marriage, and I’m totally committed to my new wife. But even thought I hate to admit it, her two kids from her previous marriage are driving me crazy. They play one of us against the other, and my wife—being their mom—usually takes their side in any disagreement. How can we keep our marriage stable and still come to some agreement on disciplining the kids?

A: For some couples, second marriages are a breeze. But most experience all sorts of problems in merging two different households with different traditions and ways of life. When kids are involved, the potential problems multiply exponentially. In fact, it may be even harder on kids than on the adults. At least adults have some control over the situation. Kids have almost none.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My boyfriend's former wife does not co-parent with him at all. I have seen vulgar emails, heard her use foul language in front of the kids and tell them "your father is kicking us out of our home.” She signs them up for things without confirming it with him but expects for him to pay, without question of course. I could go on and on but you get the point. I know he’s getting pushed to his limit and something needs to be done. He says he feels like he’s drowning but no one will throw him a life raft. How can I help him?

A: Thank you so much for your email. Your boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to have you in his corner. Your support and encouragement will make a huge difference in his life and will make it easier for him to maintain good relationships with his kids. At the same time, though, you're in an incredibly delicate and difficult situation. More on that in a minute.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I have been married 12 years, and have a 7-year old son. The problem is that my husband is a terrible role model. When he’s angry, he throws things around the house. Our son has already picked up on this and now does the same when things don't go his way. My husband is also verbally abusive and curses me in front of our son. He blames everything on me and now the boy has started doing the same. He opposes every household rule I set. I tell our son to brush his teeth and take a shower, dad says it’s okay not to. I could go on, but you get the point. I’m considering divorce and I want to know whether my son would be better off without his father.

A: Sounds like you're in a terrible–and possibly dangerous–situation. The short answer to your question is that I don't think your son would be better off without his father. He may be a bad parent and an all around jerk, but the boy loves and needs him.
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Dear Mr. Dad: How do I find a way to forgive my 22-year old daughter for attending the marriage of her mother and the man she had an affair with. I have tried and tried and it’s just not in me. I felt my daughter should have informed her mother that she could not attend out of respect for me.

A: I know it's hard, but you need to take a deep breath and let it go. The fact that your daughter attended her mother's wedding has nothing to do with the way she feels about you. I’m sure she knows exactly what happened between you and her mother but like it or not, she loves her mother–lousy behavior and all.
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