Dear Mr. Dad: How can I spend quality time with my eleven-year-old daughter outside of going shopping all day? I realize that’s her passion these days, but honestly, I don’t have much to contribute on a shopping spree (except money, of course).

A: Oh, come on, shopping isn’t that bad! Actually, I’m with you on this one. There’s something about setting foot in a department store that makes my back hurt and my head ache. Fortunately, with a little advance planning, it’s possible to survive your tween’s occasional shopping trips while building a solid relationship along the way.

To start with, show some enthusiasm—even a little will help. If you can’t bring yourself to get excited about the stores or merchandise, think ahead to the final result: she’ll be having fun and taking care of some personal needs along the way. Saying things like, “I think we’re going to have fun today” shows you’re invested in the experience, even if your part of the fun will come at the very end, when you’re back in your car and driving home.

Be sure to set a time limit on your excursion, otherwise you could be out there all day. Arrange to start and finish at set times, and you can even split up for a while you get a cup of coffee or a cone and she visits the cool teen shop that you don’t want to be caught dead in. If she asks for your opinion, give it to her honestly, unless it’s a question like “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” which it’s best to avoid answering altogether. Be thankful she still values your advice; it won’t be long before what her friends think will trump your opinion every time (even if you’re right).

End your outing on pleasant note, like a restaurant luncheon or a movie. That’ll make the day more fun for you and will reinforce in your daughter’s mind that you actually value your time together.

Beyond shopping, try other activities with your daughter. If she’s athletic, play one-on-one with the basketball outside or get a pair of tickets to see her favorite team—the sport doesn’t matter– when they next come to town. Take a musically-inclined daughter to a concert, and an artsy girl to a play or a museum. If you’re feeling particularly brave, have her invite a friend along. Try for productions that both of you will enjoy, but let her have 51 percent of the votes. Even if you don’t like her choice, you’ll still learn a lot about who your daughter is and what she likes.

Back at home, working side-by-side can create a special bond. Cook a meal together, clean the garage, or plant a garden. For a laugh, try exchanging chores—you clean her room while she mows the lawn. Of course, make sure she knows how to operate the equipment safely.

Volunteering together is another nice joint bonding activity. Start by helping an elderly neighbor pull weeds. Then the two of you can sign up to serve food at a soup kitchen once a month or deliver meals to homebound people. Charitable work provides rich opportunities to teach life lessons through example and by observing the lives of others—those who help the needy and those who need the help.

Finally, don’t overlook simple activities like watching a sunset, reading together, or talking about life’s mysteries. Whatever you end up doing with your daughter, try to enjoy and treasure every moment.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are about to get a divorce. We have a one-year old boy and she’s pregnant with our second. Here’s the problem: She’s been having an affair for the past two years and I’m concerned that the children aren’t actually mine. What can I do to protect myself?

A: I’m sorry about your situation. Divorce is never easy, and it’s even tougher when you’ve been cheated on and children are involved.

Hire a lawyer immediately. Then get DNA tests for you and the children. Expect to pay upwards of $400 for the testing, but given the horror stories I’ve heard from men in your situation, it’s a worthwhile expense.

Your goal is to avoid becoming a victim of “Paternity Fraud.” This is when a mother lies about who a child’s father is for the purposes of monetary gain. In your case, you could be on the hook for 18 or more years of child support for a child or children who aren’t yours.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Six months ago, my wife and I divorced because she was having an affair. After our divorce, she remarried and my 3-year old son has become attached to her new husband, who showers him with expensive presents. I know my son loves me, but it isn’t easy for me not to feel hurt by their relationship. I don’t want to harm my son’s relationship with his stepfather, so how can I deal with these feelings?

A: Sometimes mothers think they’re the only ones who feel threatened by their ex’s new relationships, but it happens to dads, too. It’s never easy to watch another man come into the picture and “steal” your family. In your situation, such feelings might be worse because of how your marriage ended and how quickly the stepfather entered the picture. Rest assured, though, there’s nothing unusual about your reactions.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I am getting remarried in a few months. I have two teens, 12 and 15, and my fiancé has custody of his 14-year-old. We will be moving to a new house to start our lives together as a family. Any advice on how to make this transition as smooth as possible?

A: Welcome to the wonderful world of blended families. And you certainly aren’t alone. In fact, one in three Americans is a stepparent, stepchild, stepsibling, or other member of an extended stepfamily.

Combining two families into one requires careful planning, open communication, and lots of patience. So if you’re fantasizing that your new brood will be just like “The Brady Bunch,” you’re about to find out that real life is not quite that rosy.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a single dad who has been raising my 14-year old daughter alone for the last five years. While we’ve always been close, I’ve noticed it’s becoming harder for us to talk lately. She’s open with me about her grades, but when it comes to talking about her personal life she clams up. I’m worried that she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me about personal matters. How can I encourage her to open up?

A: Dads and daughters often run into rough patches when little girls start growing into young women, so part of what you’re experiencing is normal. But it must be especially disappointing to you, as a single dad, because when you started raising her alone, she was just nine years old and probably was happy to gush all the details of her life and her friends.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My ex-girlfriend and I broke up even though she’s expecting our baby shortly. I’ve been very clear that I want to be involved in our child’s life, but she’s already excluded me from the labor and delivery and I’m worried that she’ll do the same after the baby is born. Is there anything I can do to protect my parental rights?

A: The fact that you want to be a part of your child’s life, even though you and the child’s mother are no longer together, is a very good thing. It means your baby has a fighting chance of growing up with two loving parents—albeit separated—and that he or she will benefit from your presence from the very beginning.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I am a divorced father of a 9-year-old boy, sharing custody with my ex-wife. The problem is that she’s overindulgent, and after a week in her house, our son comes home feeling and acting helpless. How do I get my ex to understand that our son needs to learn to be independent—and that she needs to encourage independence when he’s with her

A: You’ve put your finger on two of the biggest problems single parents face these days. First, dealing with inconsistencies between houses. And second, one parent spoiling the child. In many cases—as you’ve already noticed—the two go hand in hand.

Ideally, you and your ex-wife would have similar parenting goals, which you would discuss on a frequent basis as your son grows. However, as you’ve discovered, that’s not always practical, especially if the two of you aren’t on the best of terms.

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Dear Mr. Dad: My husband and I separated almost a year ago, and we’ve remained on friendly terms. We have two young children together, and we’ve tried to make things as easy as possible for them. With that said, I’m wondering if I should give my ex a Christmas gift this year, as a nice gesture. The only catch is that we’re both dating other people, so I don’t want to cause problems or have my intentions misinterpreted.

A: Wow, if every divorced couple could behave like you and your ex, the world would be a far better place. No divorce is easy, and it’s best for everyone involved when both parties can focus on what’s good for the kids instead of on hurting each other. I applaud you (and your ex) for taking the high road.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I am a single mother—my husband and I split before our daughter was born. She’s now 4-years-old and keeps asking where her father is. I try to keep in touch with him and encourage him to spend time with his daughter, but he has no interest. I’ve also been trying to meet other men so she can have a good male role model around, but haven’t found a good match yet. The problem is that every time she sees a man she thinks he is her daddy, and this happens just walking round in the city. She doesn’t want to sleep, eat, or behave in a normal way. How should I handle this situation?

A: Let me start with the most pressing issue: The fact that your little girl doesn’t eat, sleep, or behave “normally,” could be a symptom of a deeper problem, one that may or may not be related to the absence of her father. Please take those signs seriously. Talk with your pediatrician. He or she will want to rule out any physical problems and may refer your daughter to a mental health professional who specializes in children.

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