Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are going through a rough patch in our marriage. We’ve been talking about getting a divorce but are concerned about how it could impact our six-month-old son. Will it?

A: Since children are all different and respond differently to the stresses in their lives, it’s impossible to predict what the effects on any one child will be. That said, most children—infants included—are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce (or breakup if they were never married).

Although infants as young as yours can’t possibly understand what divorce is, they have an amazing capacity to pick up on the emotions of the people around them—especially their parents. What that means is that it’s not the divorce itself that affects babies; it’s the behavior that goes with it. For example, in high-conflict homes where there’s a lot of yelling and tension, babies are fussier and cry more. In these cases, the divorce can actually have a positive impact: separating two warring parties and cutting back on the hostility in the home could reduce some of the negative fallout.

After the divorce is over, the baby will continue to pick up on—and imitate—the parents’ emotions. Babies with a depressed mom or dad or a parent who is too distracted to pay attention to his needs often seem depressed themselves, exhibiting sluggish behavior, a lack of interest in playing, and decreased appetite. These babies may also lose weight, have trouble sleeping, be clingier, show no interest in people at all, be slower to achieve developmental milestones, and may even regress (meaning they lose skills they had previously mastered).

So what can you do?

Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you and your wife are obviously putting your baby’s needs first and are already communicating with each other in a positive way. The fact that you’re acting like grownups and are behaving civilly is huge and will make the next steps a lot easier.

• It’s critical that you and your wife talk about a schedule that gives each of you daily time with your baby. Because babies don’t have much in the way of long-term memory, going much longer than a day between visits increases the risk that he may not recognize you, and that will interfere with your ability to bond with each other.
• Understand that infants crave and need routines. Some they’ll set on their own, such as sleep, feeding, and crying. Others come from you, such as nighttime rituals and sleeping arrangements. There’s some controversy about whether it’s better for babies to sleep at one parent’s house and have the other parent visit only during the day. One thing is for sure, though, and that’s that babies are pretty resilient creatures and tend to adapt to their surroundings—as long as they’re getting their needs met in both places. If mom is breastfeeding, she’ll need to have the baby every day. But there’s no reason why she can’t pump a few bottles that you can give the baby when he’s at your house. If you do opt for the two house solution, make sure that the baby’s comfort items (stuffies, blankies, and so on) make the trip with him.
• Make sure when you’re with your baby, you’re really with him: cuddle, read, play, sing, and whatever else you usually do. Learn to recognize his needs and cues. But don’t try to keep him entertained constantly—he needs down time too.
• Take care of yourself. If you’re depressed, you can't be an effective caregiver.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m dating a single father who says that his relationship with me means the world to him. But is it normal for him to leave in the middle of a number of dates to cater to the whims of his almost 18 yr. old daughter? He's left to drive her to the mall, pick her up or drop her off at friends' homes, and recently to attend to a tummy ache. Is this just some kind of a teenage power struggle and response to her dad dating? Do you think that this guy will ever stand up for himself?

A: It’s pretty clear that your boyfriend’s daughter has got some real problems with her dad dating. If she were 10 or 11, I’d tell you that her behavior, while hurtful, isn’t all that uncommon and that she’d probably outgrow it within a few years. But when an 18-year old does what this girl is doing, it’s a lot more troubling. To start with, she should have gotten over daddy’s dating by now. That doesn’t mean she has to like it—or you for that matter. But it does mean that she should be mature enough to deal with it.

This is where your boyfriend comes in. It is absolutely NOT normal—or healthy—for a dad (or any parent) to be wrapped so tightly around his teenage daughter’s finger. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s deliberately timing her helpless act to coincide with—and disrupt—your dates. Unfortunately, by continuing to provide chauffer and nursing services (a tummy ache? Really? Come on!), he’s actually encouraging her to keep manipulating him.

You’re in a tough spot: If you demand that he stop catering to his daughter, you’ll be confirming what she’s probably been telling him: that you’re trying to come between them. However, the reality is that she’ll never stop unless he takes a stand and draws some pretty clear boundaries.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m dating a man who is over 50 and has a young daughter. The weird thing is that he’s still best friends with the “baby’s mama" (he won’t refer to her as an “ex”). He often invites “mama” out to dinner and brings her to family gatherings. She calls him when she’s had a bad day and he talks to her for hours—he says it’s just to keep the peace for his daughter. I had a particularly rough day one day and was expecting to talk with him and instead he had made plans for dinner with “mama.” Is this normal?

A: Given that there are so many tales of horror story divorces and warring ex spouses, it’s nice to hear about two people who are civil to each other and have put the needs of their child ahead of their own. But what you’re describing is way, way over the top.

One possible explanation for this is that your boyfriend simply isn’t ready to let go of his previous relationship. If that’s the case, you have two choices: either give him an “it’s her or me” ultimatum or break things off.

It’s also possible that “mama” is trying to do exactly what the teenage girl in the first letter is doing: put a wedge between you and your boyfriend. And, as with the teenager, nothing will change unless papa decides to draw the line. That means fewer (if any) invites to dinner and family gatherings as well as referring “mama” to another shoulder to cry on.

Dear Mr. Dad: I have postpartum depression pretty bad, and I feel like my husband thinks I'm faking it. How can I help him understand that I seriously need his help?

A: Brava to you—most women who have post partum depression don’t get the help they need, often because they’re embarrassed to ask for it. Fortunately for you, your husband, and your baby, you’re not most women. So start by showing your husband this column—hopefully he’ll get the hint.
Almost all new moms go through the “baby blues”—mild sadness, mood swings, anxiety, weepiness, loss of sleep and/or appetite, and inability to make decisions. Most of the time, the symptoms go away on their own within a few weeks or a month.

Ten to 20 percent of moms develop actual “postpartum depression.” The symptoms are similar, but more serious: major appetite changes, an inability to take pleasure in the baby or life in general, unexplained episodes of crying, extreme feelings of anxiety or fear, decreased sex drive, difficulty sleeping, and feelings of guilt or shame.

At the very least, your husband should be helping you eat right and exercise. He also needs to be taking on more of the baby-related work and making sure you get enough sleep.

Untreated, symptoms of postpartum depression can last for years. Research shows that babies of depressed mothers reach certain developmental milestones later than other babies. And they’re more likely to become depressed themselves. The more he helps you, the more he’s helping your baby—and the more he’s helping himself by getting some much-needed practice.

Dear Mr. Dad: When my father was around, it wasn't exactly a good thing. The only things he taught me were what not to be like. How do I be a good dad? How do I teach my children something I don't know? I want to be a great dad, but I have a terrible feeling of doom. Please Help.

A: Like it or not, your relationship with your dad when you were a kid is going to have some influence on your relationship with your own children. But that’s not necessarily bad news. A lot of dads who had rocky or non-existent relationships with their father worry, as you do, that they’re destined to follow the same path. Some dads, perhaps trying to protect their children, end up withdrawing physically and emotionally. A bad situation for everyone.

People who had good relationships with their dads generally don’t worry as much about these things. Just having had a good role model gives them a feeling of confidence that they can take the best parts and leave out the rest. You can do the same. Yes, your past relationships will influence your present ones, but you have a huge amount of choice in the matter. Most guys whose dads were less than they should have been are able to absorb whatever good stuff (if any) they got from the old man and dump the bad.

There’s plenty of research to back me up on this: men whose fathers were distant or un-nurturing often end up providing particularly high levels of care for their children's social, emotional, academic, and intellectual development. And men whose dads supervised them inconsistently or inadequately, as well as men whose dads threatened, spanked (a lot), or frightened them as boys often turn things around and spend a lot of time working on their children's physical and athletic development in childhood.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 13-year old daughter. I was never married to her mother. But recently the mom got married to someone else, had another child, and moved away, taking my daughter with her. Do I still have to pay child support even though she’s married and has full custody of my daughter?

A: There are a number of factors at play here. However, what surprises me most about your question is that you seem to be focusing on the finances rather than on the fact that your daughter is now living in another state and you don’t get to see her. Doesn’t that bother you? Most guys would be investigating whether the mother has violated a court order by moving the girl away without an agreement between the parents, or figuring out how to see their child more often. That said, you do raise some interesting financial questions.
But before we go on, it’s important that you hire a lawyer. This situation is quite complicated and you need someone in your corner who has a lot of expertise in custody matters. An experienced attorney will be able to tell you about the child support rules in your state.

Some states count a new spouse’s income when calculating support. Others don’t. Either way, in most states, there’s an inverse relationship between the amount of time the child is with the non-custodial parent and how much support is paid. Child support is supposed to be for the child’s benefit and is designed to help the custodial parent cover increased child-related expenses. Time your daughter spends with you would reduce her mother’s expenses because yours would be increased. Makes sense, right? Simply put, the less time you daughter is with you, the more you’ll owe. So if she’s with her mom 100 percent of the time, you’ll most likely be ordered to pay the max amount.

The big question is, Why don’t you want to pay? If you’re having financial troubles—and you certainly wouldn’t be alone in this—your attorney should be able to get your support order reduced, at least temporarily. If you’re concerned that the mother is pocketing your support checks or spending them on non-child-related things, again, your lawyer may be able to get the support order modified so that you can put the money into a college savings account or other savings vehicle for your daughter.

If you’re using financial leverage to punish or get back at your ex for something she did to you, stop right now. Whether you’re legally required to pay support or not, I think you have a moral obligation. Does it really matter where your daughter lives or whether her mother now has enough money to pay for everything she needs? She’s your daughter and you should be doing everything you can to support her. If that means sending money, so be it. The one who gets hurt the most by your ducking your responsibility is your daughter, not her mother.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I have two kids from a previous marriage, ages 7 and 9. My new husband’s two children are almost the same age and spend every weekend and all holidays with us. Problem is, my kids and the step-kids don’t get along. In fact, it seems like they hate each other and they spend most of their time together fighting and bickering. My husband and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

A: Sounds like a really unpleasant situation for everyone involved—kids and adults. But before we can start looking at possible solutions, it’s important to try to understand why your home becomes a battlefield every weekend.

From your biological children’s point of view, their home (and possibly their rooms) aren’t theirs any longer. Their once-familiar and comfortable physical and emotional spaces have been invaded by strangers. Like dogs, children are creatures of habit and they may be feeling more than a little confused about roles, rules, and boundaries: who gets to set and enforce them, and do they apply to everyone who doesn’t have a driver’s license, or just to them?

The resentment they’re display towards the uninvited interlopers is at least in part a reflection of their uncertainty and fears that things they’ve taken for granted all their lives (like their toys, other belongings, and even your love) will be somehow taken away from them and given to their step-siblings. In a way, they—again, like dogs—are defending their territory and their rights.

On the other side of the equation, your step-kids, are being taken, albeit temporarily, from the security and comfort zone of their own home and dropped behind enemy lines, in the middle of uncharted and hostile territory. They aren’t sure of the prevailing family dynamics, where they fit in, and what they’re allowed to do or play with.

I’m not sure whether this is good or bad news, but this situation is pretty common. Many blended families, at least initially, go through a pretty lengthy adjustment period. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to make the transition easier.
• You and your husband need to come to an agreement about how best to handle this situation and resolve conflicts. To start with, he should have the primary responsibility for disciplining his kids, and you for yours.
• If you haven’t already, have a friendly talk with all four children. Ask each of them why they fight. Whatever they say, take their grievances seriously and involve them in finding solutions they can all agree on.
• Write a new set of family rules, so that all four kids know what their rights and responsibilities are at your house. Make sure the rules are fair and don’t favor one set of kids over the other.
• Plan ahead of time the weekends and holidays when the step-children will be with you. Ask each child to come up with an activity that all the family members can participate in–trips to the zoo or a sporting event, family game night, and rotate so that each one can have a say in what you’ll be doing.
• Ease up on the pressure. You may mean well, but telling your kids (or your husband telling his) that they’re “really going to love” their new step-siblings is almost a guarantee that they won’t. They need to forge their own relationships.

It may take a while for things to calm down, so be patient, loving, and positive. Others have gone down this path before and have found (at least some) peace and harmony in the end.

Dear Mr. Dad: This isn’t strictly a parenting question, but here goes. My daughter, 26, met a man, left her husband, and is already moving in with her new boyfriend. She never gave us any indication that she was unhappy. It all happened very quickly, in a matter of a month. He’s a nice enough guy, but she kind of forced him on us and we’re not ready to bond with him yet. We’d feel disloyal toward our son-in-law if we welcome this new man into our family. What can we do?

A: Actually, this really IS a parenting question. Our kids are our kids—no matter how old they are—and we’re still going to worry about them when they’re all grown-up. The only difference is that since your daughter’s an adult, you can’t really tell her what to do or ask her to follow your house rules—unless of course, she’s living in your house. You basically have to accept her actions, even if they go against your own judgment.

The end of a marriage or long-term relationship is, in a way, like a death in the family. There’s a natural grieving process, mourning the loss of the relationship and of the people connected with it–especially if you were close to them, as you are with your former son-in-law. If your daughter’s marriage had been bad for a long time, her leaving her husband might not have been much of a surprise.(However, even the end of really horrible relationships involve some grief—the loss of hopes and dreams.) In your case, since this all happened so quickly, you haven’t had enough time to completely come to grips with it.

None of this means that you have any obligation to support—or even agree with—your daughter’s decisions. If you didn’t already, have a talk with her and tell her exactly what you wrote here: That you’re confused, that her actions took you by surprise, that you don’t understand the reasons behind what seems like completely irrational behavior, and that you’re going to need some time to adjust to the changes.

It’s not unreasonable to ask your daughter to explain what happened that led her to make such a sudden, drastic change. Has she really thought everything through? (Going by what you say, it doesn’t seem like she did.) Did she try counseling—with or without your son-in-law? Did she consider a trial separation, to decompress and think things through before plunging headlong into another relationship? Keep your expectations low, though. She may open up and give you a decent explanation, or she may refuse to talk at all, falling back on a favorite teenage refrain: “It’s my life and you can’t tell me what to do.”

Given enough time, you might end up agreeing with your daughter’s decision and loving her new partner. But it’s just as possible that you’ll never understand why she did what she did, and never warm to him. Either way, you’ll have to come to terms with the new cast of characters in her life. One of the most difficult things we have to do as parents is to just be there. So when you’re ready, invite them over for coffee.

Two more quick things. First, be thankful your daughter doesn’t have children—that would complicate things by a factor of 10. Second, given your close relationship with your former son-in-law, it’s fine for you to keep in touch with him. But be very careful not to do anything that your daughter could interpret as “taking sides.”