Dec
23
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: We can’t afford to send our two kids, 5 and 7, to Winter camp, so it’s going to be just me and them for the next two weeks. What are some activities I can plan with the kids so we can stay warm but not spend the whole day in front of the TV?
A: Keeping kids from turning into TV-loving zombies isn’t always easy—especially when it’s cold out. Fortunately, there are plenty of activities that can keep kids of all ages busy during the cold winter months.
If you have a sand or water table that’s collecting puddles of rain in the backyard, bring it inside, fill it up with dried beans, rice, or moon sand (check the Web for inexpensive recipes), and let the kids start sifting. It’s a little messy, but the hours of fun will make it worthwhile. If you don’t have a table, use a hard plastic baby pool.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Preschool and schoolage kids
Dec
15
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: Our 9-year-old son is a habitual liar. He fibs even about the smallest, most insignificant things. But whenever we challenge him, he stands his ground and tries to convince us he’s telling the truth. What can we do?
A: Before we get to the what-you-can-do part, we need to find out what’s going on and why. Children lie for a number of different reasons, primarily to impress others, boost their self-esteem, feel less insecure, or avoid punishment. (Hmmm. The same reasons many adults lie, too.)
For example, your son might be bragging to his friends about all the latest games he has in his room—even though you can’t afford any of them. He may figure that if he told the truth, nobody would be interested in him. If he’s feeling especially insecure, he might spin some incredible yarns about his talents or abilities to help him feel better about himself.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Preschool and schoolage kids
Dec
09
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: Our son is three weeks old and my wife is exhausted from breastfeeding. I have to be out of the house early in the morning to make it to work, but I do help her out between 2am and 4 am. But when I try to get a little sleep before or after those hours, or if I’m too slow to wake up, she'll say to our son things like "Daddy doesn’t care." This hurts my feelings because I’m doing as much as I can, and I do have to put in an 8-hour day in the office. How do I handle this situation?
A: This probably won’t make you feel much better, but there are plenty of new parents out there who can totally relate to your dilemma. Fact is, being tired, sleep-deprived, and overwhelmed is a normal part of being a new parent.
I’m sure that everyone you knew tried to warn you that becoming a dad would turn your life upside down, right? And I’m sure you tried to prepare yourself for all the changes. But there’s a difference between watching a tornado on TV and having one blow the roof off your house. Now that your baby is actually here, it’s pretty obvious that nothing could have fully prepped you for the daily (and nightly) challenges of living with a newborn.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Infants and babies
Dec
01
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My child’s mother and I never married and we split before the baby was born. Nevertheless, she and I used to share parenting equally. We compromised, worked out schedules, and we both spent lots of time with our daughter. But about a year ago, I got married. And immediately, the mother cut me back to seeing my daughter only every other weekend. Two months later, she moved in with a man. Since then, she barely lets me see my daughter at all. My wife and my little girl (who’s now three) have a very strong relationship. The mom and I have been fighting for over a year and I finally got her to agree to go to mediation with me to come up with a parenting plan. What can I reasonably ask for? How can I get anything when she has all the power just for being mom?
A: You put your finger on the problem perfectly–your child's mother has all the power simply because she's the mother. Well, nearly all the power.
Every time I address the issue of single fathers in this column, I hear from lawyers insisting that unmarried parents have the same rights as married ones. Well, that may be true on paper, but it’s rarely the way things play out in real life.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Divorce, custody, single parenting, Infants and babies, Preschool and schoolage kids
Nov
24
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My daughter is 19 and has been in rehab three times. When she was five, her mother died and my daughter was placed in foster care because I wasn’t mentally stable enough to care for her. She was then adopted by her foster parents, but they divorced. Now I’ve got my life together and she’s coming back to live with me. How do we re-establish trust and rebuild our relationship after all these years? I’m scared and don’t know what to do.
A: Wow, what a difficult situation for both of you. But most of all for your daughter. She lost her mom at a young age and has been shuttled around between different homes and families ever since. You don’t say what kind of addiction issues she had that landed her in rehab so many times, but it’s pretty safe to assume that it has something to do with her unstable life. You also don’t mention whether the two of you had any contact at all over the past 14 years, or whether you’ll be building your father-daughter relationship completely from scratch.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Divorce, custody, single parenting, Teens
Nov
12
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a 37-year-old mother of two, ages 18 and 5. I really want another baby, but my husband had a vasectomy immediately after our second child was born. At the time, I was exhausted and fighting post-partum depression, so when he came in an announced that he was getting the surgery I agreed. But now, when I tell him he can get it reversed and that we could start trying for another baby, he just says, “oh" and leaves the room. What can I do to change his mind?
A: Unfortunately, there's no quick solution to your problem. It sounds like your husband really has no interest in having a third child and it's entirely possible that you won't ever be able to change his mind. Either way, though, this is too big an issue to ignore. The two of you need to have some long, serious discussions in which you both listen carefully and respectfully to each other.
I'm sure each of you has a perfectly sound reason for wanting (or not wanting) another child and neither of you is any more "right" than the other. Keep in mind that this is a topic that involves a lot of emotion and passion so if you aren't able to work through things on your own, don't be afraid to schedule a few sessions with a family therapist who, at the very least, should be able to act as a referee and facilitate a more productive discussion.
Dear readers: With the holidays looming, I’m already getting requests from people looking for the perfect gift for the dads in their life. Some advice: The last thing he wants is another tie. Most dads tell me that what they really want are games, ideas, or other activities to help them build stronger relationships with their spouse and kids. As you may know, we created the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval to help families find exactly that. And we’re now accepting submissions for our Holiday list. Information and applications are at mrdad.com/seal.
posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Infants and babies, Pregnancy and childbirth
Nov
03
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are relatively well off and can give our kids whatever they want. But how can we be generous without spoiling them rotten?
A: First of all, change your perspective: think in terms of giving them what they need instead of what they want. That said, if by “generous” you mean giving your time and love to your children, there's no need to limit your generosity. The kids will benefit from spending time with you and your wife (and you will too), whether you're just hanging out, taking walks, talking, or doing something more structured–none of which needs to cost anything at all.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Preschool and schoolage kids, Teens
Oct
27
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: Our 15-year-old son wants to quit school and get a job. He has struggled academically but we always assumed he’d graduate and go on to college. We’re trying hard to dissuade him from quitting, but he says he can always get a GED later. What can we do?
A: Having been in exactly the same spot as your son—and having a teenager of my own who’s talked about leaving school—I don’t think that most high-schoolers are mature enough to make decisions on their own about things that could affect them for the rest of their lives.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Teens
Oct
13
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: I can't help but notice that some of the kids at my daughter's daycare are way more verbal than she is. We read to her all the time and we're a chatty family so what gives? Are these parents doing something we're not?
A: First things first: not all children develop language skills at the same pace. And there’s no proven connection between the age at which kids start to speak and intelligence. That said, the differences you’ve noticed at your daughter’s daycare could be a matter of genetics or, as you suggested, the parents could be doing something extra that you and your spouse haven’t tried yet.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Preschool and schoolage kids, Toddlers
Oct
08
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: I'm divorced and have full custody of my daughter. I've been dating someone for about six months and we practically live together, but I don’t think she’s doing enough to help me out. She says that this is her first real relationship and wants to take things slow. She never offers to help on her own—only does when I ask her to. Am I over reacting? I mean, she knew I had a daughter from the beginning and knows that my daughter is my world. I can't understand why she’s so unwilling to help.
A: Becoming a step-mother is a huge step–especially for a woman who's never had a real relationship before. I think that by taking it easy, she's doing the right thing. It's very hard even for more experienced women to get into a situation where they know they're going to be playing second fiddle. As you said, your daughter is your world. In non-step relationships, your girlfriend would be your world. She wants–and needs–to have a solid relationship with you before she can feel confident in her role as step-mother. So don't take her reluctance to get involved as an indication of lack of support or lack of caring on her part.
She's probably just trying to find her footing. Be patient, let her know that she's incredibly important to you, and ask how you can help. She needs to know that you love her for herself and not because you're looking for a mother for your child (I know you're not, but sometimes it looks that way from the outside). Asking your girlfriend to take on a parental role before she's even had much of a chance to be a spouse, is pushing things too quickly.
Finally, keep your expectations reasonable. Do not expect that your daughter and girlfriend will love each other (or even like each other) right away. It may happen, but it might not. Ever.
posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Divorce, custody, single parenting