Dear Mr. Dad: When I married my husband, my biological son was 5. My husband adopted him two years later. My husband is financially and spiritually supportive, but he doesn’t seem interested in playing or doing "dad" type stuff with our son. I would love for him to initiate catch, going to batting cages, or anything family oriented, but he doesn’t. I’m starting to resent that all he wants to do is work on the house on weekends. Help me understand him.

A: There are all sorts of reasons that could explain your husband's behavior. When he became part of your son's life, he had already "missed" five years, along with the familiarity, confidence, and competence that comes from being there from the very beginning. As a result, he may simply not know what to do with the boy. This is especially true if he was an only child or had little or no experience with young kids.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 2-week old baby boy, and I’m crazy about him. But I’ve suddenly started feeling really anxious, stressed, irritable, and sometimes even angry. My girlfriend says I could be suffering from male postpartum depression. I’ve never heard of guys getting postpartum depression, is it possible? If so, what can I do about it?

A: Your girlfriend is absolutely right. Most of us have heard of new moms experiencing the “baby blues,” or actual postpartum depression, but few acknowledge that paternal postpartum depression is just as real. In fact, quite a few people ridicule the idea. It’s wonderful that your girlfriend is not one of them.

According to Will Courtenay, a psychotherapist specializing in male postpartum depression, as many as 1 in 4 new dads experience the kinds of symptoms you mentioned, in the days, weeks, and even months after the birth of a child. Unfortunately, men rarely discuss their feelings or ask for help, especially during a time when they’re supposed to “be there” for the new mom. One big problem is that men and women express depression differently. Women tend to get tearful, men get angry or withdraw from their family and retreat to the office. Because depression—including the postpartum kind—is usually seen as affecting women more than men, many mental health professionals don’t recognize the symptoms, or write them off as normal adjustment to the challenges of new parenthood.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My mom is 46 and has been divorced from our dad for two years. Recently she met Doug, who’s 33. He seems nice enough and mom says she’s happy, but my sister and I (both in our early 20s) think she’s making a big mistake dating a man only a few years older than her daughters. Can an age-gap relationship like that really work out?

A: I wish it weren’t the case, but the simple answer is that there’s no guarantee any relationship—age-appropriate or not—will work out in the long run. As you and your sister know first-hand, the divorce rate in this country is very high, and couples have all sorts of reasons (some better than others) for splitting up. If your mom and her young boyfriend do break up, the age difference may not have anything to do with it at all.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife thinks we should be brushing our 2-year old’s teeth every night. But the nights I put our daughter to bed, she refuses to let me brush her teeth. Is it really necessary at this age? Isn’t she going to lose these teeth in a few years anyway?

A: The quick answer is Yes and Yes. Yes, your daughter will lose her primary teeth (also called “baby teeth”)—the first ones when she’s around six, the last ones by the time she’s 13. And yes, even though they’re in her mouth temporarily, it’s important to take care of them while they’re there. First of all, they’ll help her adult teeth come in straight. Second, she needs those teeth as she learns to speak. And third, they’ll help her chew her food properly. Baby teeth are just as susceptible to cavities as their adult mouthmates. And most dentists will tell you that tooth decay is an infection, one that can harm your child’s overall health. Oh, and if you think getting her to brush her teeth is hard now, imagine how hard it’ll be if she needs fillings.
Dr. Oana Romasan, a Florida-based pediatric dentist (smileykidz.com), recommends that parents brush their children’s teeth as soon as they appear. Using a soft-bristle brush and only a pea-sized amount of toothpaste, brush each tooth in a gentle circular motion. Be sure to get the inside, outside, and chewing surface of every tooth, and finish up by brushing her tongue (to remove build-up of plaque- and bad-breath-causing bacteria).
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Dear Mr. Dad: My 18-month old son is suddenly obsessed with TV. He watches at least 3-4 hours per day. My wife doesn’t see the problem since it allows her to get stuff done around the house, but I’m worried. How much TV is too much?

A: Great question—one you have every right to be concerned about. Watching too much TV is a growing problem in our society—especially for children. Studies are all over the place, but they generally show that American children watch two to six hours of television per day. Plus they spend a few more in front of other screens, watching DVDs or playing video games.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I feel like when I spend time with my 2-year old, I’m constantly telling him “no!” Is there some way I can enforce boundaries without being so negative?

A: It's no wonder that one of the first words kids learn to say is, No. After all, it’s the word they hear the most—even more than mommy, daddy, or their own name. Since two-year olds are on a mission to destroy everything in their path, hearing No is important. But the problem with No is that it eventually becomes background noise and our kids tune us out. And when it comes to health and safety issues, that’s the last thing we want.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I've always resented my mother and thought she was a lousy parent. I saw only her negative side and was extremely critical and judgmental. But now that I’m a new mom myself, I see her in a different light and realize that her intentions were good. How do I make up for all the grief I've caused?

A: When it comes to admitting one’s mistakes and trying to make amends, being late is always better than never.

As children—and especially as teenagers and young adults—we tend to see our parents as too strict and old-fashioned. Close your eyes for a second and think back on how often you screamed things like, “I hate you!” or You just don’t understand me” or “I will never, ever be a parent like you!” Five times a day? More? All of us dream of having cool parents, the kind who would give us the freedom to act as we want, never interfere or criticize, never tell us what to do or impose rules. With criteria like that, it’s no wonder that the vast majority of moms and dads will fail miserably—at least in the eyes of their children.

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Dear Mr. Dad. I’m getting divorced. My spouse is acting horribly and I have to admit that I haven’t been behaving much better. I’m angry and I find myself wanting to punish him. But maintaining this level of intensity is exhausting—and I can see that it’s hurting our children. Is there a way for me to start taking the high road at this point?

A: In a word, Yes. Since you and your spouse know each other’s buttons better than anyone, it’s easy to slip into defensive, uncooperative, and hostile mode. So kudos to you for recognizing the problem and making the first move to change things.

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Dear Mr. Dad: I'm a first time father-to-be, and the entire pregnancy has been going very well for me and my wife. But about two weeks ago, I started experiencing anxiety which was pretty severe at times. I got very scared about me or my wife getting ill or having an accident and dying. My mind went into total freefall mode and I started thinking about all the terrible consequences this would have. Is it normal for someone to experience some pretty heavy anxiety about these issues? I'm over it now, but I wonder whether other fathers-to-be go through the same thing. Also, do you have any advice on how I can keep calm (or at least try to!) for the last 10 weeks of the pregnancy?

A: What a fantastic question. The short answer is that what you describing is actually quite common. The difference between you and most other expectant fathers is that they keep their worries to themselves—and that just makes things worse.

Almost all fathers-to-be have some kind of anxiety (and I believe that those who claim they’re worry-free are simply not paying attention). The most common concerns are financial security, changes in the marital relationship, the impending lack of sex, the loss of free time and personal space, and, as you pointed out, fears of danger to the mom, the baby, or the dad himself.

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Dear Mr. Dad: Our son is only 10, but he is already extremely overweight. He loves food and we don’t want to deny him his favorite dishes, but we’re starting to get worried about his health. What should we do?

A: You’re absolutely right to be concerned. Obesity in this country is a huge problem. And it’s getting bigger by the day. Back in the 1960s, fewer than one in ten kids 6-19 were considered overweight. Today it’s more than one in three. Put a little differently, when you were growing up, the average child drank three glasses of milk for every one of soda. Today, kids are drinking twice as much soda as milk.
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