Dear Mr. Dad: How do you handle a 21-year-old male who’ dropped out of college, has no job, and has been living in our house for the past six months? My husband and I provide our son with a car, insurance, gas, clothes, and cover all his healthcare. But whenever we ask him to do anything around the house, he flat out refuses or does it poorly. And whenever we bring up the issue of his finding work and moving out, he gets angry and accuses us of not supporting him. What can we do?

A: My first reaction is to suggest that the next time your son leaves the house you call a locksmith and have all your locks changed. However, that would only work (to the extent that it would at all) if your son was responsible for the entire problem. He’s not. In fact, I’d say that you and your husband are making an already difficult situation even worse.

But let’s take a step back for a moment. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone in having an adult child move back in with you. Some studies have found that as many as a third of all young adults under 35 are living with ma and pa. The situation is so common that there’s actually a term for these adult children: “boomerang kids.” The bad news is that these arrangements are often extremely stressful on everyone involved, but especially on parents who had planned to downsize during their retirement years.

Okay, back to you. By providing your son with free room and board, transportation, and insurance, you’re undercutting any incentive he might have had to learn how to grow up and survive on his own. I’d actually go a step further and say that you’re encouraging your son to be a slacker—and the only way the situation is going to improve is if you change your behavior. Here’s what you’ll have to do:

1. You and your husband need to get on the same page. Having one of you push for independence while the other slips your son wads of cash under the table will guarantee the status quo. What do you want to have happen, and over what period of time?
2. Once you’ve come up with a plan, call a family meeting. Ask your son how he sees the current situation. Does he plan to finish college? Look for work? How long does he expect to be living with you? It’s possible that he’s feeling guilty and maybe even ashamed.
3. Start charging. The value he places on his living arrangements is directly proportional to how much he has to pay. In other words, the less he pays—for rent, car, insurance, food, clothes—the more he’ll take them for granted. If he has income, put a dollar value on household chores and have him work off his debts.
4. Get out your calendar. Your goal is to get your son ready to live in the real world. But it’s not going to happen overnight. So come up with a timetable that includes reasonable targets (enroll in college for the next semester, find a job within 12 weeks, move to your own place within six months, etc).
5. Create rules and enforce them. Can he bring dates home to spend the night? Do you expect him to call if he’ll be spending the night elsewhere?

As the economy continues to stagnate, this is a bigger and bigger issue. We’ll go into more details in future columns.

Dear Mr. Dad: I hope this doesn’t sound too crazy, but here goes. My 7-year old son has been telling me for a while that he “hears colors.” I asked him what he meant and he told me that when he says the alphabet or counts, or when people say certain words, he sometimes sees colors. At first I thought he might be having some kind of hallucinations, but he seems perfectly fine in every other area of his life. Is this anything to worry about?

A: From what you describe, it sounds like your son may have a neurological condition called synesthesia. That’s when stimulating one sense—such as your son’s sense of hearing—also triggers the sensation of another one—the colors he perceives. (I have to admit that I only recently learned about synesthesia while doing an interview with Maureen Seaberg, the author of a fascinating book called, Tasting the Universe.

While synesthesia is a condition, it’s by no means a disease. In fact, many see it as a gift, and research shows that synesthetes (people who have synesthesia) often have higher-than-average IQs. While the condition (there’s that word again) may affect as much as five percent of the population, it tends to run in families, and it’s much more common among artists, writers, other creative people (synesthetes are also more likely to be left handed.)

There are actually quite a few different types of synesthesia which can involve any of the senses (although usually only two at a time). Some find that reading, saying, or even thinking certain words triggers a taste, which may explain why these folks sometimes have trouble focusing on what they’re reading. Others, like your son, see colors when they read. Still others hear sounds when they move in certain ways or even see certain kinds of movement. Personally, I find this stuff absolutely fascinating.

What’s especially interesting is that for kids, the connection between the senses may change—the numbers your son sees as turquoise today may be a different color later. But in adulthood, things solidify. For example, if the word antelope is blue or smells like licorice, or if Lady Gaga’s voice tastes like strawberries, it always will.

Quite a few famous people have or had synesthesia. In an interview with Seaberg, violinist Itzhak Perlman says that when he plays a B-flat on the G string he sees a deep forest green, while an A on the E string is red. Musician and producer Pharnell Williams (who’s written songs for Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Nelly, and many more) says that his music-to-color synesthesia is his “only reference for understanding.” Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman saw equations in color. And actress Tilda Swinton hears food: The word “table,” for example, tastes like cake, while the word “tomato,” reportedly tastes like a lemon instead of, well, a tomato.

So the bottom line is that unless your son’s affects your son’s life in a negative way, there’s nothing to worry about. But if you truly are worried, ask your pediatrician for some guidance. If you’re interested in finding out more about synesthesia on your own, Tasting the Universe is a great place to start. The Synesthesia Resource Center (bluecatsandchartreusekittens.com) has all sorts of tasty pieces of information. You might also want to have your son take the synesthesia battery at synesthete.org. In fact, take it yourself.

Dear Readers: A few essmonths ago I devoted this column to correcting some of the common mistakes people make when writing. The response was overwhelming. Of course, a few people thought the whole topic was idiotic (I’d worry if everyone agreed with me all the time) but the majority of emails were positive. And many of you sent in your own pet peeves. One question that came up several times was, “What does this have to do with parenting?” Fair enough. The answer is simple: Being able to communicate effectively is a very valuable skill—one I worry isn’t getting the attention it deserves in many classrooms (and homes).

At some point, our sons and daughters are going to find themselves needing to write something important—whether it’s a 4th grade book report, a high-school term paper, a college admissions essay, a job application, or a critical whitepaper for the CEO. And while I don’t believe that usage errors—even those that change a sentence’s meaning or render it completely meaningless—indicate a lack of intelligence, they don’t make the writer look particularly bright. And “not particularly bright” isn’t a trait that’s in high demand. Anywhere.

Here, then, are a few more common mistakes, many of which were suggested by our readers.

Then vs. than. “Bill has more hair on his chest then Bob,” or “The beautician waxed Bill than Bob.” Both are wrong. “Then” relates to time (eat your vegetables, then you get dessert), while “than” indicates a comparison (the United States is bigger than Cuba).

Their vs. there vs. they’re. “There” is a place (we’re having dinner over there); “their” is a possessive (did you steal their silverware?; while “they’re” is a contraction of “they” and “are” (they’re calling the police).

Few vs. less. These two mean essentially the same thing, but they’re used differently. The rule is that if you can reasonably count whatever it is that you’re talking about, use “few.” If you can’t, use “less.” For example, “eat fewer meat balls and less salt.”

Disinterested vs. uninterested. If you’re disinterested, you don’t have a bias or an interest in the outcome (judges should be disinterested). If you’re uninterested, you have no interest, you don’t care, or you’re just bored (judges should definitely not be uninterested).

Advise vs. advice. Advise is a verb—it’s what you’re doing when you offer suggestions. Advice is a noun, the actual pearls of wisdom you’re giving.

Accept vs. except. To accept is to receive—advice, perhaps, or a bribe. Except draws attention to something that’s not included. (You might think of the x as EXcluding). For example, “The auction accepts donations of everything except live animals.”

Assure vs. ensure vs. insure. To assure is an indication of confidence, a guarantee (I assure you that all this English usage stuff is important); To ensure is to make certain of (please ensure that you turn off the gas before you light any matches); and to insure is to purchase insurance.

Flesh out vs. flush out. Flesh out means adding detail to something (imagine flesh on bones); Flush out is to chase something (or someone or some animal) out of hiding (hunting dogs flush ducks out of the reeds).

Flout vs. flaunt. To flout is to deliberately disobey a law or rule (like smoking in an airplane restroom). To flaunt is to show off (Bob flaunted his newly shaved chest).

Literally. “The tension was so thick you could literally cut it with a knife.” No you couldn’t. Literally means that what you’re saying next is not an exaggeration

Dear Mr. Dad: This isn’t strictly a parenting question, but here goes. My daughter, 26, met a man, left her husband, and is already moving in with her new boyfriend. She never gave us any indication that she was unhappy. It all happened very quickly, in a matter of a month. He’s a nice enough guy, but she kind of forced him on us and we’re not ready to bond with him yet. We’d feel disloyal toward our son-in-law if we welcome this new man into our family. What can we do?

A: Actually, this really IS a parenting question. Our kids are our kids—no matter how old they are—and we’re still going to worry about them when they’re all grown-up. The only difference is that since your daughter’s an adult, you can’t really tell her what to do or ask her to follow your house rules—unless of course, she’s living in your house. You basically have to accept her actions, even if they go against your own judgment.

The end of a marriage or long-term relationship is, in a way, like a death in the family. There’s a natural grieving process, mourning the loss of the relationship and of the people connected with it–especially if you were close to them, as you are with your former son-in-law. If your daughter’s marriage had been bad for a long time, her leaving her husband might not have been much of a surprise.(However, even the end of really horrible relationships involve some grief—the loss of hopes and dreams.) In your case, since this all happened so quickly, you haven’t had enough time to completely come to grips with it.

None of this means that you have any obligation to support—or even agree with—your daughter’s decisions. If you didn’t already, have a talk with her and tell her exactly what you wrote here: That you’re confused, that her actions took you by surprise, that you don’t understand the reasons behind what seems like completely irrational behavior, and that you’re going to need some time to adjust to the changes.

It’s not unreasonable to ask your daughter to explain what happened that led her to make such a sudden, drastic change. Has she really thought everything through? (Going by what you say, it doesn’t seem like she did.) Did she try counseling—with or without your son-in-law? Did she consider a trial separation, to decompress and think things through before plunging headlong into another relationship? Keep your expectations low, though. She may open up and give you a decent explanation, or she may refuse to talk at all, falling back on a favorite teenage refrain: “It’s my life and you can’t tell me what to do.”

Given enough time, you might end up agreeing with your daughter’s decision and loving her new partner. But it’s just as possible that you’ll never understand why she did what she did, and never warm to him. Either way, you’ll have to come to terms with the new cast of characters in her life. One of the most difficult things we have to do as parents is to just be there. So when you’re ready, invite them over for coffee.

Two more quick things. First, be thankful your daughter doesn’t have children—that would complicate things by a factor of 10. Second, given your close relationship with your former son-in-law, it’s fine for you to keep in touch with him. But be very careful not to do anything that your daughter could interpret as “taking sides.”

Dear Mr. Dad: Our 27-year-old son lost his job and moved back in with my wife and me. While it’s nice to have him around, it’s been six months now and he shows no sign of moving out. Part of the problem is that my wife and I have very different approaches. I want our son to get his life back on track. But the other day I discovered that my wife has been giving him money every month. She’s even been paying some of his credit card bills for him. This has led to a lot of tension around the house—between me and my wife, and between me and my son. What can we do?

A: Boy are you in a tough spot. Actually, you’re in two tough spots at the same time. On one hand, you’ve got an adult child who is waaaaay too old to be living someplace where he isn’t making a rent or mortgage payment every month. On the other hand, you’ve got a wife who’s actually encouraging your son to keep doing exactly what he’s been doing: freeload. Fortunately, there is a solution. Unfortunately, it’s not going to be easy.
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Dear Mr. Dad: I am a single mom of a 14-year-old daughter. Throughout much of her childhood I suffered from severe depression, which went undiagnosed until very recently. I’m getting treatment now, and I’m feeling much better. However, my daughter thinks I was pretending to be sick all those years. That really hurts, but how do I explain to her what was really going on?

A: What a difficult situation for both of you. I get a sense from your letter that she either doesn’t know that you were depressed, or simply doesn’t understand what depression is. Or both. As a result, she believes (mistakenly, of course) that depression isn’t a “real” illness and that it’s “all in your mind,” or something you should be able to just snap out of.
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