Dear Mr. Dad: My son has changed completely over the last few months, from a sweet kid to surly and rude. He deliberately upsets our younger children, mouths off to his mother and me, and spends all his time in his room or out with his friends—most of whom are new. He’s dropped out of all the things he used to love, like soccer and orchestra, and doesn’t seem the least bit concerned with personal hygiene. The other day my mom came to visit and asked me whether some animal had died in the house. I had to admit to that the smell was coming from my son. Is he on drugs and what should I do about it?

A: On one hand, a lot of what you’re describing is completely normal for teens—especially the smell issue and the rudeness. (Of course, just because something is normal doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.) On the other hand, behaviours like hanging out with a new group of friends and losing interest in activities he used to love are definitely red flags.

Let’s start with the easier stuff. Your first order of business is to sit down with your wife and come up with some ground rules for your son’s behavior—rules you both agree on and will stick to. Then, approach your son as a team. Remind him that although he may consider himself an adult, as long as he’s living in your home, you won’t tolerate bullying and he’ll need to treat people with respect. Don’t shout, don’t lose your temper, and keep the discussion short and to the point. Health and safety should be non-negotiable.

Next, talk about hygiene. Unfortunately, a lot of teens (girls as well as boys) go through a stage where they not only start smelling bad, but they also seemingly lose their sense of smell. And they’re genuinely surprised when someone points out that whenever they enter a room the paint peels, flowers wilt, and people pass out. Fortunately, most kids outgrow this stage within a few years. In the meantime, make sure your son’s bathroom is well stocked with soap, shampoo, toothpaste, and floss. Stay away from scented products and deodorants because they can be used to mask the underlying stench. If your son doesn’t get the hint, try requiring him to pass a sniff test before he’s allowed to leave the house. If all else fails, you may want to use the magic words: “You’ll never be able to get a girl to go out with you if you don’t start showering and brushing your teeth more often.”

Now, back to the drugs. There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation for his behavior (such as that he’s a teenager), so tell him—openly and calmly—that you’re worried and ask him what’s going on. If you sense that he’s covering something up or you’ve noticed a lot of symptoms (which include a red or flushed face, slurred speech, using breath mints, sudden drop in grades, wild mood swings, excessive sleep, dramatic weight loss or gain, money and other valuables disappearing, and pupils that are huge and don’t react to changes in lighting), you’ll have to take a more aggressive approach—but don’t try to do it on your own.

Start by educating yourself by vising drugfree.org—they have a lot of great information on prevention, intervention, treatment, and recovery. Then, talk to your son’s teachers, school administrators, and his pediatrician and ask them to help you help your son. The sooner you start, the better.

Dear Mr. Dad: Our six-month old baby has some serious sleep problems. We’ve tried everything—different bedtimes, skipping naps so he’ll be extra tired, changing lullabies, having him nurse just before bed and putting him down asleep, even getting blackout curtains for his room, but he still gets up in the middle of the night and has a terrible time going back to sleep. My wife and I are both exhausted all the time. What can we do?

A: One of the most important things you can do is to establish a bedtime routine—and stick with it. Babies love—and crave—routines, and constantly changing what you’re doing will just confuse your baby and make it harder for him to figure out when to go to sleep. Actually, routines aren’t just for babies. If you’re like most adults, you probably have a nighttime routine of your own, a pattern of activities that you do to help get yourself ready for sleep: read a few chapters of a book, catch up on your DVR, maybe have sex. It’s pretty much the same for babies: bedtime routines make them tired because they associate the activities with sleep.

A routine doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be something as simple as a snuggle, a story, a minute or two of baby massage, a quick nightcap, and some peaceful music. The number and order of the activities aren’t important. Just make sure you’re consistent. Here are a few other ideas that should help.

• Play a lot when he’s awake. Getting plenty of exercise during the day will help your baby sleep.
• Don’t mess with the schedule. It might seem logical that skipping daytime naps would help your baby sleep more at night, but the opposite is true. Your baby takes naps because he needs them. When he doesn’t get enough rest during the day, all the extra dopamine and adrenaline running around his system will make it harder for him to fall asleep at night.
• Make a distinction between day and night. During the day, you’ll pick up your baby, sing, clap, pay games, and do all sorts of things to engage him. In nighttime mode, you’ll do much less talking, much less physical activity, and generally tone things down.
• Don’t go overboard. Turning the lights down and making the house a little quieter is fine, but you need a baby who can fall asleep with the lights on and some background noise. Trying for total silence and total darkness will backfire.
• Put him to bed drowsy but not completely awake.
• Be patient. Babies can be pretty noisy at night. And like us, they wake up many times and look around to make sure the world is still spinning on its axis. So before your dash in to respond to every whimper or cry, take a deep breath and wait a minute. Chances are your baby will fall back to sleep on his own.
• Get the toys out. Some babies wake up at night, see all their toys, and decide that they want to play—and, of course, it’s more fun to play with you than alone.
• Take turns. It’s very chivalrous of you to share the midnight wakeups with your wife, but don’t. Have her take the first few while you get some sleep. Then you take over in the early morning and let her sleep.

Speaking of toys, I just returned from a week in New York seeing (and playing with) hundreds of new toys and games I’ll be sharing some of the highlights over the next few weeks.

Dear Mr. Dad: My seven-year old is very stressed. He’s constantly worried, can’t seem to focus in school, and almost always seems to be on edge. A friend suggested that we get our daughter to meditate. Sounds kind of kooky to me, but my friend insists that it’s a good thing. What do you think?

A: Despite having spent a good portion of my life either in Berkeley or just a few miles away, I used to be very skeptical about meditation and all the supposed benefits. It’s always sounded a bit too good to be true. After all, how could something so simple reduce stress and anxiety, lower your blood pressure and your risk of having a heart attack or stroke, cure insomnia, reduce chronic pain, help you fight off illness, combat depression , improve your memory and your grades, and make you taller, smarter, and better looking? But the reality is that with the exception of the taller and better looking parts, there’s actually scientific evidence behind all of the claims (and one could argue that reducing your stress, anxiety, and depression might make you walk a little taller and smile a lot more, which could improve your looks). Oh, and just so you know, these benefits have been found in children as well as adults.

While there’s little argument that meditating produces some pretty spectacular results, the problem has always been to explain exactly why it works. Some recent research has found that meditation helps open blood vessels, which in turn reduces blood pressure. And that reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke. Other studies have found that meditators are able to control certain brain waves that help brain cells communicate with each other and make it easier to concentrate. But does it really matter why it works? Bottom line is that it’s not going to hurt to give it a shot, and it could very well help a lot.

Okay, now that you know that meditation isn’t as kooky as you’d thought, let’s talk about how to make it part of your child’s life.

• Start by making it a part of your life too. Young children learn by imitating and if you’re doing it, they’ll want to join. The steps below will work just as well for you as for your child.
• Don’t get bogged down by the name. There are all sorts of meditation styles: Transcendental, Zen, Mindfulness, to name just a few.
• Block out some time. 15-20 minutes at a stretch is good for adults. For kids, 5-10 minutes is plenty, especially when you’re just starting.
• Find a quiet place. The fewer outside distractions (TV, radio, conversations, etc), the better.
• Get comfortable. You don’t have to be twisted into some painful pretzel-like pose or levitate a foot off the ground. You can meditate sitting in a comfortable chair, lying down, walking, or even swimming.
• Focus on something. That could be a “mantra” (a word or phrase) or an object. But my suggestion is that you start with the simplest thing of all: your breath. Slowly count “one” for the first inhale, hold for two seconds, then exhale. Then “two” for the next set, and so on. I’m betting you won’t get to “three” before your mind starts heading off in 127 different directions at the same time. When that happens, resist the urge to criticize yourself for losing focus. Everyone does, so just observe that your mind has wandered and gently bring yourself back to your breathing and start counting again.

Dear Mr. Dad: We’re about to have a baby and my wife is trying to convince me to have a home birth with a tub of water. I just don’t feel comfortable with this idea and would really rather just go to the hospital and deal with a regular doctor. I’m worried about what could happen if something goes wrong. My wife is getting irritated that I won’t do things her way. What should I do?

A: First, let me congratulate you and your wife for being brave enough to talk about this. I deal with a lot of parents and it always amazes me how long couples wait before having serious discussions. And given that having a baby will change everything in your life, the topic of childbirth is about as serious as it gets.

A little context. Back in 1940, 56 percent of babies were born in hospitals. In by 1950, that number had risen to over 80 percent, and in 1969, it hit 99 percent where it’s been ever since. Over the past 10 years or so, though, the number of home births has risen “dramatically,” although that depends on your definition of the word. Home births are indeed up by 20 percent, but considering they started at one percent, an increase to 1.2 isn’t much in real numbers.

Have you asked why your wife wants to have the baby at home? Does she think it’s a safer alternative? Does she want more privacy, freedom to move around, and to minimize interventions? Does she want more familiar surroundings? Did she have a bad experience at a hospital? It’s important that you find this out in a completely non-judgmental way. Just listen to what she has to say.

Most hospitals and clinics these days have pretty homey birthing centers with couches and flat screen TVs. But they’re still medical facilities and they won’t be as familiar—or as private—as your own home. There is some research that shows that for low-risk pregnancies (her doctor will tell you whether or not she fits into this category), home births can be just as safe as hospital births. In fact, at home, there may actually be less likelihood of labor induction, medication, episiotomy, and c-section. But the operative phrase here is “low-risk,” which will be determined by her age, health, and whether she has or has had any health issues or other risk factors that might require medical intervention.

In the end, the goal isn’t to “win” the argument, it’s to achieve the safest birth possible, right? And even though home birth vs. hospital birth seems kind of black and white, there are really many shades of grey in between. For example, if it turns out that what’s most important to your wife is to give birth in the water, check with her doctor and the hospital where you’re planning the birth. They may have waterbirthing facilities, which would give her the environment she wants and give you the security of knowing that there’s a whole team of medical professionals nearby in case you need them.

All in all, I suggest that you, your wife, and her doc schedule a time to talk this over. If you trust him to deliver your baby and care for your wife, you should be able to trust his opinion on whether a home birth—in or out of the water—is safe. At the end of the day, though, keep in mind that your health insurance may home the ultimate trump card. Some plans cover home births, but many don’t.

Dear Mr. Dad: My eight-year old daughter’s best friend—a girl she’s known since kindergarten—just moved out of the area. My daughter doesn’t make friends very easily—she’s always had a small number of pretty intense friendships—and she seems particularly devastated that this girl is leaving town. I’m worried about her. Is there anything I can do to make her feel better?
A: Losing a friend—whether because of a physical separation or a relationship-ending disagreement—is usually a major event in a child’s life. Unfortunately, though, too few parents take these breakups seriously enough, and may try to comfort a child with a well-meaning but flip, “Don’t worry, you’ll find another friend” or “You can always email each other.” I’m glad you’re taking your daughter’s loss more seriously.

The truth is that children at this age make very deep emotional attachments to their friends, and although losing friends is a normal part of growing up, friends are not interchangeable. Parents need to encourage children to explore and understand why a friendship ended (although in this case, it’s pretty clear—at least to you). Otherwise, “they can end up blaming themselves, and that self-blame may make them wary of forming new friendships in the future,” says psychotherapist Mary Lamia. Reassuring your daughter that she’s in no way to blame for her friend moving, may help.

On the other hand, as irrational as it seems to most adults, your daughter may be very angry at her friend for leaving. So if you have any suspicion that she’s blaming her friend, it’s important that you gently encourage her to forgive. “Hurt feelings, disappointment, and transgressions are an inevitable part of close friendship,” says Lamia.

You’re absolutely right to be concerned about your daughter’s reactions. “Children often compare potential new friends to the old one,” says Lamia. “And usually, the new ones can’t compare.” You may need to remind your daughter that establishing a friendship often takes time. Encourage her to talk about the feelings and emotions she’s experiencing, and let her know that you understand how hard it can be to lose a friend, and that being sad, angry, and hurt is perfectly normal.

At the end of the day, your daughter will be okay, Although it comes naturally to some, for others, making friends is very difficult. And since your daughter values quality over quantity (and that’s just fine—as long as the quantity isn’t zero), it may take her longer than you think to move on. If she’s still down in the dumps in a few weeks, talk to her pediatrician about getting her some counseling.
In the meantime, here are seven characteristics that researchers believe (and common sense confirms) are critical to forming long-lasting, healthy friendships:

• Friends share—anything from toys to secrets.
• Friends help each other. This might mean anything from helping a fellow preschooler look for a lost doll to helping a fellow twelve-year-old deal with the death of a parent.
• Friends forgive. This is easy enough for a toddler, a little harder for school-age kids, and pretty tough for pre-adolescents.
• Friends manage their conflicts. Everyone has fights once in a while, but friends are willing to spend the time it takes to work things out.
• Friends are active participants in maintaining the relationship and don’t just wait for the others to call.
• Friends want the chance to be open and frank with someone who is open and frank with them.
• Friends keep each other’s confidences and stick up for each other.