Dear Mr. Dad: Outside of the home, I'm a fairly calm, patient, level-headed person. At home, I'm impatient, angry, and yell a lot at my kids. I’m actively involved in their activities, but rarely find anything that they do very interesting. And efforts that I make to expose them to things I enjoy (tennis, baseball) always seem to backfire to the point that I regret making the effort. My problem is that I love my kids, but don't necessarily like them. I know they’ll only be young for a short time and I should try to enjoy them while I can. But, honestly, I think I enjoy them less than five percent of the time. So my question is this: What can I do to enjoy my family more?

A: Wow. That can’t have been an easy email to write. But you very eloquently captured a feeling just about every parent has had (or will have). Very few people have the courage to admit it, though, so thanks for that. You didn’t say how old your children are, but there are several factors that may be contributing to your I-love-you-but-don’t-like-you feeling.
First, there’s their behavior. Dealing with rude, surly, uncooperative, disrespectful children on a regular basis can definitely make you question whether you should have had children in the first place.

Second, as children get older, they naturally push for more independence. If you aren’t able to gradually let go, you may feel useless, unloved, and angry that you’re being pushed away. This is especially true if you’re dealing with pre-teens and teens, who seem to feel that the best way to assert their independence is to inflict emotional damage on their parents.

Third, the expectations you have for your children—for example, their ability to play tennis and baseball—may be out of whack with what they’re actually physically or mentally able to do.

What to do?

• Think hard. There’s a big difference between not liking your children and not liking their behavior. Sometimes it’s hard to separate the two, but it’s important to try.
• Read up on temperament. Some kids are naturally easier to get along with than others. In addition, certain parent-child personality combinations are more explosive than others. Understanding your child’s—and your—temperament can really help.
• Read up on child development. Understanding what’s normal and what’s not for children your kids’ age, should increase your patience and enjoyment levels.
• To be blunt, grow up a little. If you feel that you’ve made major sacrifices for your children (giving up hobbies or interests, spending ungodly amounts of money on private schools, etc), you may resent them. Yelling and seeing them as disappointing or irritating could be your way of getting back at them. But this is your life. Start learning to accept the things you can’t change, and focus instead on changing the things you can (your attitude, for example, or the need to transition from “daddy who knows everything” to “daddy the mentor who gives advice when it’s asked for”). There’s a good chance that your kids will eventually grow out of their behavior issues, and grow into being able to perform the way you think they should. But if you stay on the track you’re on, you’ll have destroyed any hope for a good relationship with them long before that happens. That said, the fact that you care enough about them and being a good dad to write, makes me think you’ll never let things get that far.

Dear Readers: A few essmonths ago I devoted this column to correcting some of the common mistakes people make when writing. The response was overwhelming. Of course, a few people thought the whole topic was idiotic (I’d worry if everyone agreed with me all the time) but the majority of emails were positive. And many of you sent in your own pet peeves. One question that came up several times was, “What does this have to do with parenting?” Fair enough. The answer is simple: Being able to communicate effectively is a very valuable skill—one I worry isn’t getting the attention it deserves in many classrooms (and homes).

At some point, our sons and daughters are going to find themselves needing to write something important—whether it’s a 4th grade book report, a high-school term paper, a college admissions essay, a job application, or a critical whitepaper for the CEO. And while I don’t believe that usage errors—even those that change a sentence’s meaning or render it completely meaningless—indicate a lack of intelligence, they don’t make the writer look particularly bright. And “not particularly bright” isn’t a trait that’s in high demand. Anywhere.

Here, then, are a few more common mistakes, many of which were suggested by our readers.

Then vs. than. “Bill has more hair on his chest then Bob,” or “The beautician waxed Bill than Bob.” Both are wrong. “Then” relates to time (eat your vegetables, then you get dessert), while “than” indicates a comparison (the United States is bigger than Cuba).

Their vs. there vs. they’re. “There” is a place (we’re having dinner over there); “their” is a possessive (did you steal their silverware?; while “they’re” is a contraction of “they” and “are” (they’re calling the police).

Few vs. less. These two mean essentially the same thing, but they’re used differently. The rule is that if you can reasonably count whatever it is that you’re talking about, use “few.” If you can’t, use “less.” For example, “eat fewer meat balls and less salt.”

Disinterested vs. uninterested. If you’re disinterested, you don’t have a bias or an interest in the outcome (judges should be disinterested). If you’re uninterested, you have no interest, you don’t care, or you’re just bored (judges should definitely not be uninterested).

Advise vs. advice. Advise is a verb—it’s what you’re doing when you offer suggestions. Advice is a noun, the actual pearls of wisdom you’re giving.

Accept vs. except. To accept is to receive—advice, perhaps, or a bribe. Except draws attention to something that’s not included. (You might think of the x as EXcluding). For example, “The auction accepts donations of everything except live animals.”

Assure vs. ensure vs. insure. To assure is an indication of confidence, a guarantee (I assure you that all this English usage stuff is important); To ensure is to make certain of (please ensure that you turn off the gas before you light any matches); and to insure is to purchase insurance.

Flesh out vs. flush out. Flesh out means adding detail to something (imagine flesh on bones); Flush out is to chase something (or someone or some animal) out of hiding (hunting dogs flush ducks out of the reeds).

Flout vs. flaunt. To flout is to deliberately disobey a law or rule (like smoking in an airplane restroom). To flaunt is to show off (Bob flaunted his newly shaved chest).

Literally. “The tension was so thick you could literally cut it with a knife.” No you couldn’t. Literally means that what you’re saying next is not an exaggeration

Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 10 month old son. For the past two months, he and i have enjoyed "wrestling" – that is, I lie on my back and he crawls around on top of me and slides off or rolls off (guided so he doesn't really crash). I also occasionally hold him upside down by his hips. In all of this, my son laughs. Mom is not good with our wrestling and thinks I am far too rough. Can you offer some guidance?

A: You say three things in your letter that tell me you’re taking reasonable precautions. First, you’re making sure your son doesn’t crash. Shaken Baby Syndrome—which can cause brain damage, spinal cord injuries, and worse—isn’t always about shaking. Abrupt jerking or whiplash motions could cause problems too. So guiding him from your chest to the floor is a good idea.

Second, you’re keeping a firm grip on your baby as you hold him upside down. There’s nothing inherently dangerous about being upside down—after all, babies spend a good portion of their time in the womb with their feet in the air. Your wife may be worried that you’ll cause brain damage or that you’ll dislocate your baby’s hips, knees, or ankles. There’s absolutely no evidence that validates either of those fears. (All three of my children spent half their life dangling upside down and they’re all doing just fine, physically and intellectually.) As long as you’re not swinging your baby, and as long as you’re keeping his head from snapping around, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Third—and most important—is that your baby is laughing. He may not be able to speak actual words, but he’s perfectly capable of communicating pleasure and displeasure—and he’s not going to be terribly subtle about it. If your baby wasn’t having a good time, he’d let you know by fussing, crying, or trying to wriggle out of your arms. Just be sure to pay close attention to how he’s reacting and stop immediately when it’s not fun anymore (for the baby, not for you—although you should stop then too).

As far as guidance, I’ve got several suggestions.

• Make an appointment with your baby’s pediatrician and consider it a kind of binding arbitration. Demonstrate for the doc what you’re doing at home. If you get a thumbs up, your wife agrees to back off. If it’s a thumbs down, you agree to adjust your baby handling to whatever the doc says is safe.
• Assuming that the pediatrician okays your baby gymnastics routines, it might be a good idea to do your training at a time your wife isn’t going to be around to worry.
• Talk to your wife. She wouldn’t have married you if she really thought that you’d be a danger to children. Tell her that there’s lots of evidence that babies who wrestle with their fathers grow up to have more highly developed social skills—including empathy—than kids who don’t get as much time rolling around with dad.
• Expand your horizons. There are plenty of ways to interact physically with your baby that are a bit calmer. For example, babies his age love chasing and being chased, so get out your knee pads and start crawling.
• Time your physical activity. Too soon after a meal and you’ll end up having to wash baby spit-up off your shoes and the floor. Too close to bedtime and your baby may have trouble settling into sleep mode.

Dear Mr. Dad: My two children, 8 and 10, have never gotten along. They fight over the smallest things, so our house is a constant battleground. I’ve heard of sibling rivalry but this seems more serious. We’ve tried sitting them down and talking to them, time-outs, and such, but nothing ever changes. What can we do to make it stop?

A: Well, you can start by giving up on the idea that your kids are going to stop fighting. As parents, we want our children to get along, share, and love each other—it makes life so much easier (and quieter) if they do. But they won’t. As long as there have been siblings—all the way back to Cain and Abel—there has been sibling rivalry. Part of it has to do with competition.

Our society is based on performance and we generally reward people who outperform others. Do better in school, go to a better college. Sell more widgets, earn a trip to Hawaii. Win a championship, get a trophy (or at least one that’s bigger than what everyone else gets for just showing up). It’s understandable how siblings might feel that they have to compete with each other—for your attention, your praise, your love. And unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you can’t give your kids equal amounts.

In a lot of cases, parents (and other adults or people of authority) inadvertently encourage rivalry by favoring one child over another. They probably don’t mean to but it happens anyway. Have you ever found yourself saying something like, “Why can’t you get good grades like your brother?” or “Maybe you should try another activity. Billy is a better athlete than you are”? Or perhaps you heard someone approach the sibling of a top performing child and say, “Your sister is so amazing. It must be so great to have a sister like that”?

There’s no way to completely stop siblings from fighting. But you can help them do it less destructively:
• Go on dates with each child, giving him or her your undivided attention.
• Don’t play favorites and don’t compare your children. They’re different people with different needs. Pay attention to those differences and act accordingly, making each child feel special in his or her own way.
• Understand that you’re going to fail sometimes. It takes an incredibly long time for kids to truly learn that “fair” and “the same” are two completely different things.
• Ask your kids—one at a time—to help you understand why they’re fighting so much. Encourage as much detail as possible (comments like, “He’s not nice to me,” or “She drives me crazy,” won’t cut it). And listen carefully to their answers. If there are legitimate issues, schedule a family meeting to talk them through.
• Establish ground rules. Arguments are okay. Physical violence and name calling are not.
• Intervene less. Jumping in—unless it’s absolutely necessary—keeps them from learning to resolve their differences on their own. If you do have to get involved, try not to take sides. Get everyone calm and then discuss the issues.
• Look on the bright side. As unpleasant as your children’s behavior is to be around, it may actually be good for them. By fighting with each other, they’re learning about empathy, negotiation, conflict resolution, effective and ineffective ways to handle arguments, and how to win gracefully and lose with dignity.
• Model good behavior. If you and your wife can argue, compromise, and make up, your kids may learn to do the same.