Dear Mr. Dad: I’ve been deployed in Afghanistan for 13 months and am returning home next week. Being apart from my wife and children for so long has got me committed to making some major changes in my relationships with them. How easy will this be to do?

A: There’s nothing like being away from your family to get you thinking about making life better when you get home. “I’m going to spend more time with the family; not get upset over minor things like spills on the carpet, clogged toilets, or idiot politicians; and help the kids more with their homework.” All great goals. The problem is that the guy who made those resolutions (you) may not be the same as the guy who’ll be trying to make them a reality (also you): Although things may look pretty much the same as they did before you left, being deployed has changed you. Lots of other things have changed too:
Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I decided that we want one parent at home with our child full time—at least until he starts preschool. Since she earns more than I do, it looks like I’ll be a stay-at-home dad. What am I in for?

A: Deciding to be a stay-at-home dad is a big decision, one that will affect everyone in your family. There are wonderful benefits to you and your child. But before you pull the trigger, you and your wife need to consider the following questions:

• Can you take the career hit? This is big, since earning power and masculinity are inextricably linked in so many people’s minds. (If I’m not making money, I’m not a good man/father, the thinking goes.) You may be able to keep a finger in the work world by consulting or starting a home-based business. But if you return to the workforce later, the gap on your résumé could cause problems with potential employers.
• Can you handle the pressure? Some people will come right out and tell you that you really should be out there bringing in some money. After all, that’s what guys are supposed to do, right? But even if you don’t hear the actual words, you may feel the need to demonstrate that even though you’ve chosen not to earn money, you could if you really wanted to. Some of that pressure is external, some comes from within. Traditional sex roles do a real number on us, don’t they?
• Do you have a job description? What are your responsibilities? Will you be doing all the laundry, shopping, and cooking? Some of it?
• Can you handle the isolation and the workload? Staying home with a child can be a tough, lonely job. It can also be a little mind-numbing (I say this from experience). Sometimes, no matter how much fun you’ve had with the kids, you’ll crave some adult conversation at the end of the day.
• Are you selfless enough? Say goodbye to personal time, and get used to putting your children’s needs above yours. Always.
• Is your skin thick enough? Women—whether they’re moms, nannies, baby-sitters—tend not to welcome men into their groups wherever it is that people take their kids during the day. You’ll have to get used to the funny looks and stupid comments from people when you’re out with your. (“Hey, are you baby-sitting today?” is one that always bugs me. “No, bozo, I’m not baby-sitting, I’m a dad and I’m taking care of my children.”) And you’ll have to deal with people’s criticisms and critiques of your parenting—the kinds of “advice” and comments no one would ever make to a woman.
• How thick is your wife’s skin? When you’re the primary parent, your child will run to you when he wants a hug or has a skinned knee. If mom tries to provide that hug or apply a BandAid, he may push her away. I’ve been on both sides of this, and can tell you that it hurts. A lot.
• Do you have a reentry plan? It’s good to have a plan for how long your at-home stint will last, and what you’ll do afterwards.

In reality, you won’t be as alone out there as it might seem. At least two million stay-at-home dads are doing it every day, and the number is rising all the time. You may have to dig, but there are a lot of great resources out there, including athomedad.net and slowlane.com.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife is pregnant with our first child, and complete strangers keep coming up to rub her belly. She seems pretty okay with iit, but it’s driving me nuts. What can I do?

A: As intensely private as pregnancy is, it is also inescapably public. And your partner’s growing belly can bring out the best—and the worst—in people. Perfect strangers will open doors for her, offer to help her carry things, give up their seats in crowded subway cars and buses. In some ways, people’s interest in pregnant women and in the process of creating life is heartwarming. But it’s possible to go overboard.

When my wife was pregnant with our first, People would often come up to her when she was standing in the check-out line at the grocery store and start chatting. Sometimes they’d ask simple questions like, “So, when are you due?” or make pronouncements about the baby’s sex. But some would break out the horror stories—tales of debilitating morning sickness, ten-month pregnancies, thirty-hour labors, emergency C-sections, anesthesia that didn’t work.

And then there were the people who would, without even asking, start rubbing her belly as if she was a Buddha statue or a magic lantern. I kept waiting for her to bite some belly-rubber’s hand off, but she never did. Plenty aren’t as tolerant, though. I’ve heard stories of women reacting to being groped by strangers by screaming, wearing “keep your paws off my belly” t-shirts, slapping their hand, or fondling their belly in return. I always thought she should have told tell them that she had a highly contagious disease that’s transmitted by touch.

Why anyone tolerates this is a mystery to me. Can you imagine how you’d react if someone did the same thing when your partner wasn’t pregnant? Or if you decided to touch some woman’s breasts because they looked so inviting?

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I was up changing my baby’s diaper last night and saw green sparks shooting out of it. I called my wife in to show her, but it didn’t happen again. She thinks I’m nuts, but I’m quite sure I saw something. Could I have?

A: You’re not crazy at all. What you saw was triboluminsescence, which is relatively ordinary—and completely harmless. In your case, triboluminescence (“tribo” comes from the Greek “to rub,” and “luminescence” has to do with light), may have been a buildup of energy caused by the friction of your baby’s bottom rubbing against the inside of the diaper, or from pulling on the tape. It’s the same chemical reaction that produces the sparks you see when you bite down on a Wint-O-Green LifeSaver in a dark room. You can replicate the phenomenon if you go into a very dark place, wait for your eyes to get used to your surroundings, and then strike two sugar cubes together as if lighting a match, pull apart the flap on a seal-sealing envelope, or quickly yank a piece of tape off a roll. tape. Unlike static electricity, triboluminescence doesn’t generate any heat. It happens a lot, and to my knowledge, no one has ever been hurt.

Dear Mr. Dad: I really want a dog but my wife doesn’t think it’s safe with our 2-year old daughter. Is she right? Aren’t there some benefits as well?

A: A dog could make a great addition to your family, but you and your wife are both right: there are some risks and rewards.
Some of the risks include:

• Aggressive behavior. Dogs, even the nicest ones, can be unpredictable, and there’s always a risk that it could attack, bite or otherwise harm your daughter.
• Defensive response. When dogs act aggressively, it’s often because they feel threatened. Some dogs are fine with being chased, having their tail pulled, having their food eaten, or even having a finger stuck up a nostril (my daughter did this to a friend’s dog). Others will react in much the same way you might if someone did that to you.
• Rough play. Dogs can get excited and might accidentally knock your daughter over.
• Allergies and fleas. Pretty self-explanatory.
• Messes. Toddlers, preschoolers, and dogs have accidents. It comes with the territory. Plus, some dogs may tear up your house if they get left alone for too long.
• Time and money. Dogs aren’t like goldfish—you’ll need to spend a lot of time walking, grooming, and playing with it. Will that cut into time you’d otherwise spend with your wife or daughter? In addition, PetEducation.com estimates that keeping a dog costs $800-$2,500 per year.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: When I married my husband, my biological son was 5. My husband adopted him two years later. My husband is financially and spiritually supportive, but he doesn’t seem interested in playing or doing "dad" type stuff with our son. I would love for him to initiate catch, going to batting cages, or anything family oriented, but he doesn’t. I’m starting to resent that all he wants to do is work on the house on weekends. Help me understand him.

A: There are all sorts of reasons that could explain your husband's behavior. When he became part of your son's life, he had already "missed" five years, along with the familiarity, confidence, and competence that comes from being there from the very beginning. As a result, he may simply not know what to do with the boy. This is especially true if he was an only child or had little or no experience with young kids.
Read the rest of this entry »