Jan
24
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My best friend just became the father. I used to spend three or four nights a week with them and he constantly called, texted, or e-mailed as well. Since the baby has been born it seems like he has begun systematically cutting me out of his life. Hardly any e-mails or texts, and I am only invited over once a week or so now. I have not talked to him about how I'm feeling but when we talk on the phone he acts like nothing has changed. I feel like I'm being very selfish but I really miss my buddy a lot. Is there anything I can do to get him back?
A: What you’re describing is pretty typical behavior for new parents, so don’t take his behavior personally. Chances are he’s not deliberately trying to cut you out and I’m sure he misses you too. There are a number of things going on. First of all, his primary focus is (as it should be) on taking care of his baby and his wife. Any spare time he’s got left he’d just as soon spend trying to catch up on the sleep he’s missing. Second, his natural inclination is going to be to spend more time with people who understand what he’s going through—and, since it sounds like you’re single with no children, you’re not on the short list. Sad but true. At least for now. Third, his wife may be jealous. If he spends time hanging with you, she deserves a break too, right? But with all the pressures of new motherhood, that’s not going to happen for a while. Bottom line: be patient. Your relationship with your buddy has changed—and may never be the same. But with time, you can use the foundation of the old one to start building a new one.
posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Infants and babies, Pregnancy and childbirth
Jan
24
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My 24-year-old daughter just moved back into my home, which I also share with my 80-year-old mother. She recently quit her job as a nurse and is working as a bartender instead. Many nights she doesn't come home at all, and rolls in at 6-7 a.m. the next morning. I don't ask questions—she’s an adult. But I have asked her repeatedly, just out of common courtesy, to let me know if she's going to be out all night. First, this is so I can go to sleep and not worry every time I hear a noise. Second, her dog keeps me up half the night with his pacing and whining and won’t stop until my daughter gets home. Still, she refuses to let me know. How can I convince her to check in—for everyone's peace of mind?
A: You said it perfectly: she's an adult. And at 24, she should start acting like one—treating people with the same level of respect she'd like from any guest in her home. It's perfectly reasonable to tell your daughter exactly what you wrote: that she's causing you and your mother to worry and that her dog is keeping you up at night. If she's going to stay out all night, she needs to a) let you know well in advance, and b) make arrangements for someone else to take care of the dog. It's your house and you're entitled to set the rules (and those are pretty easy rules to live by). You're happy to host her for as long as she needs, but only if she'll stop acting like an irresponsible—and inconsiderate—teenager. If she refuses to go along with the program, tell her she’ll have to find another place to stay.
posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Divorce, custody, single parenting
Jan
20
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My son is in middle school and comes home with stories about witnessing discrimination and hearing bigoted comments from other students. How can we keep him from picking up these attitudes himself?
A: Now that the United States has just inaugurated our first African-American President (no, David and Wayne Palmer on the TV show “24” don’t count), it's tempting to think that we’ve moved beyond prejudice. If only it were that easy. Unfortunately, the progress we make as a society doesn’t always reflect what’s going on in the hearts and minds of individuals. Prejudice—in all sorts of forms—is still all around us.
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posted in Preschool and schoolage kids, Teens, Toddlers
Jan
12
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: I’m almost eight months pregnant but my boyfriend and I are having relationship troubles. We’re both jobless right now, which is a strain. Plus, I get the feeling that he doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad and wishes he was still single. He denies it and insists he loves me and the baby, and I know he is actively looking for a job. But I’m afraid. How can I be sure he’ll stay with me and be a good and responsible father and partner?
A: I wish there was a simple answer to your question. Unfortunately, though, relationships don’t come with a warranty, and the truth is that there’s no guaranteed way to make sure your boyfriend will stay or, if he does, that he’ll be the “good and responsible father and partner” you’re looking for.
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posted in Pregnancy and childbirth
Jan
06
2009
Dear Mr. Dad: My three-year-old son prefers his mom over me! I work full time and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. How can I get him to spend time with me without feeling that I’m competing with Mom?
A: Well, you’ve already taken the first two steps: Recognizing that there’s something you want to change and asking for help. Far too many parents (dads and moms) react to a child’s rejection by backing off, which is the wrong direction to go. So the fact that you’re still committed to developing a meaningful relationship with your child is very good news for both of you.
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posted in All Ask Mr. Dad, Preschool and schoolage kids, Toddlers