Dear Mr. Dad: We’ve tried to stress the importance of study habits to our 12-year-old son. But no matter what we do or say, he seems to end up playing video games instead of doing his homework. What can we do to make him start taking studying seriously?

A: Whoa. Before we get to the homework thing, we need to talk about the real issue: What can you do to get your son to start taking YOU seriously? The simplest approach (although, I admit that it’s not going to be easy) is to take away the video games. Whether it’s confiscating his DS or tablet, locking up his game controllers, or activating the parental controls on his computer, you need to take some firm steps right now. Your son is still young, but if he doesn’t start taking schoolwork more seriously soon, his grades may interfere with his post-high-school education and, eventually, his choice of career.

If possible, get your son involved in the discussion—have him suggest ways he can earn back his gaming time. The more the rules come from him, the greater the chance that he’ll follow them. But make sure he’s got things in the right order. Schoolwork first, then games. No exceptions.

Okay, back to homework—but again, we have to start with a different question: When did this behavior start? If he’s never had any interest in studying, that’s one thing (and we’ll get to that in a minute). But if this is a relatively new development, you need to figure out what’s going on.

Has anything in your son’s life changed recently? Did you just move to a new neighborhood? Could he be having a problem with a teacher? Is there any possibility that he’s being bullied at school? Have you and your spouse been fighting a lot or are you getting divorced? Any of these can cause significant—but usually temporary—changes in study habits.

Your assignment is to get answers to these and other similar questions that could be influencing your son’s schoolwork. This is going to involve spending more one-on-one time with your son and learning about his life and how he feels about things.

The temptation is to sit him down and start grilling him, face to face. Don’t. It’s hard for a teen to interpret that kind of approach as anything but hostile. Instead, start by asking him general questions about school, friends, music and other non-explosive topics. And do this while you’re driving. There’s something about not having to look at each other that can remove some of the barrier to communication. If you listen carefully and resist the urge to lecture, you may get the answers to your questions without actually having to come right out and ask them. And in the process, you’ll be strengthening your relationship with each other.

Now, what if he’s ever been interested in studying? Is it possible that he’s not getting enough intellectual stimulation? This is big. A child who finds schoolwork to be boring may simply tune out.

If it’s not that, communicating with your son will still be the goal, but there’s a twist. In this case, you’ll try to find ways to build on his natural interests. For example, if he loves sports or mechanics or cooking or whatever, start there. And then find ways to introduce math or science or language arts principles through those interests. Showing him that what he’s learning has some actual real-world applications will make it a lot more interesting—and worth working on.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are going through a rough patch in our marriage. We’ve been talking about getting a divorce but are concerned about how it could impact our six-month-old son. Will it?

A: Since children are all different and respond differently to the stresses in their lives, it’s impossible to predict what the effects on any one child will be. That said, most children—infants included—are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce (or breakup if they were never married).

Although infants as young as yours can’t possibly understand what divorce is, they have an amazing capacity to pick up on the emotions of the people around them—especially their parents. What that means is that it’s not the divorce itself that affects babies; it’s the behavior that goes with it. For example, in high-conflict homes where there’s a lot of yelling and tension, babies are fussier and cry more. In these cases, the divorce can actually have a positive impact: separating two warring parties and cutting back on the hostility in the home could reduce some of the negative fallout.

After the divorce is over, the baby will continue to pick up on—and imitate—the parents’ emotions. Babies with a depressed mom or dad or a parent who is too distracted to pay attention to his needs often seem depressed themselves, exhibiting sluggish behavior, a lack of interest in playing, and decreased appetite. These babies may also lose weight, have trouble sleeping, be clingier, show no interest in people at all, be slower to achieve developmental milestones, and may even regress (meaning they lose skills they had previously mastered).

So what can you do?

Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you and your wife are obviously putting your baby’s needs first and are already communicating with each other in a positive way. The fact that you’re acting like grownups and are behaving civilly is huge and will make the next steps a lot easier.

• It’s critical that you and your wife talk about a schedule that gives each of you daily time with your baby. Because babies don’t have much in the way of long-term memory, going much longer than a day between visits increases the risk that he may not recognize you, and that will interfere with your ability to bond with each other.
• Understand that infants crave and need routines. Some they’ll set on their own, such as sleep, feeding, and crying. Others come from you, such as nighttime rituals and sleeping arrangements. There’s some controversy about whether it’s better for babies to sleep at one parent’s house and have the other parent visit only during the day. One thing is for sure, though, and that’s that babies are pretty resilient creatures and tend to adapt to their surroundings—as long as they’re getting their needs met in both places. If mom is breastfeeding, she’ll need to have the baby every day. But there’s no reason why she can’t pump a few bottles that you can give the baby when he’s at your house. If you do opt for the two house solution, make sure that the baby’s comfort items (stuffies, blankies, and so on) make the trip with him.
• Make sure when you’re with your baby, you’re really with him: cuddle, read, play, sing, and whatever else you usually do. Learn to recognize his needs and cues. But don’t try to keep him entertained constantly—he needs down time too.
• Take care of yourself. If you’re depressed, you can't be an effective caregiver.

Dear Mr. Dad. It seems like every other day there’s a scary story in the news about childhood obesity and diabetes and more. What I rarely hear about is what to actually do about it—aside from “eat less junk and do more exercise.” I don’t find that terribly helpful. Can you offer some specific ideas on how to get my kids healthier?

A: Definitely. Before we start, though, I encourage you to stop thinking in terms of, “get my kids healthier,” and instead talk about “get healthier as a family.” As I’m sure you’ve discovered in other situations, children often pay more attention to what you do than what you say. So when it comes to diet and exercise, you’ll need to model the behavior you’re trying to encourage.

As for nutrition, in case you missed it, the food pyramid is out and MyPlate is in. The simple idea is that all of us—kids and adults—should be eating more fruits and vegetables, a bit less protein, grains, and dairy. Since the exact amounts of those categories depend on each person’s sex, weight, height, and activity level, visit choosemyplate.gov for some tools to help you calculate what’s right for you and your children.

Now for exercise. The bottom line is that most of us need more of it. But defining “more” is as hard as defining “good nutrition.” As a guideline, children should get 60 minutes of exercise every day and adults should get 30. Alternatively, adults should try to walk 8,500–10,000 steps per day, while children should shoot for 10,000-13,000. Here are some ideas to help you reach these goals.

• Use technology as an incentive. Call me crazy, but I think the calls for kids to “just say no to technology” are completely unrealistic. In fact, our kids need to be tech savvy to succeed as adults. That said, moderation is key. And tradeoffs. Len Saunders, author of Keeping Kids Fit, suggests that children earn non-homework-related tech time by banking physical activity time. He suggests a 2-to-1 ratio–an hour of exercise earns you 30 minutes on the DS or Wii. You can hear an interview I did with Saunders at mrdad.com/radio (search for Saunders).
• Be flexible. Those 10,000 steps or 60 minutes of exercise don’t have to be done in one chunk. Ten minutes here, 20 there add up. Also, while team sports are great, they aren’t for everyone. So encourage your child to run, jump rope, do push-ups and sit-ups, hula hoop, and do jumping jacks.
• Do it together. Matching pedometers can make things even more fun. Regular pedometers keep track of how many steps your child takes over the course of a day and can add an element of competition. But consider getting a Striiv instead. Besides tracking steps, the Striiv (striiv.com) gives challenges throughout the day, includes games that encourage activity, and makes donations to charity when you or your child achieve your goals. My 8-year old and I have been using them for a few weeks and they’ve made walks, runs, and bike rides much more fun.
• Use commercials. If you’re watching TV (another thing you should be doing as a family instead of using the tube as a babysitter), do a different exercise for each commercial break.
• Talk to the school. With the focus in recent years on grades and test scores, many schools dropped or cut back on physical education. Ironically, there’s a clear connection between exercise and academic achievement: kids who exercise more tend to get better grades.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m dating a single father who says that his relationship with me means the world to him. But is it normal for him to leave in the middle of a number of dates to cater to the whims of his almost 18 yr. old daughter? He's left to drive her to the mall, pick her up or drop her off at friends' homes, and recently to attend to a tummy ache. Is this just some kind of a teenage power struggle and response to her dad dating? Do you think that this guy will ever stand up for himself?

A: It’s pretty clear that your boyfriend’s daughter has got some real problems with her dad dating. If she were 10 or 11, I’d tell you that her behavior, while hurtful, isn’t all that uncommon and that she’d probably outgrow it within a few years. But when an 18-year old does what this girl is doing, it’s a lot more troubling. To start with, she should have gotten over daddy’s dating by now. That doesn’t mean she has to like it—or you for that matter. But it does mean that she should be mature enough to deal with it.

This is where your boyfriend comes in. It is absolutely NOT normal—or healthy—for a dad (or any parent) to be wrapped so tightly around his teenage daughter’s finger. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s deliberately timing her helpless act to coincide with—and disrupt—your dates. Unfortunately, by continuing to provide chauffer and nursing services (a tummy ache? Really? Come on!), he’s actually encouraging her to keep manipulating him.

You’re in a tough spot: If you demand that he stop catering to his daughter, you’ll be confirming what she’s probably been telling him: that you’re trying to come between them. However, the reality is that she’ll never stop unless he takes a stand and draws some pretty clear boundaries.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m dating a man who is over 50 and has a young daughter. The weird thing is that he’s still best friends with the “baby’s mama" (he won’t refer to her as an “ex”). He often invites “mama” out to dinner and brings her to family gatherings. She calls him when she’s had a bad day and he talks to her for hours—he says it’s just to keep the peace for his daughter. I had a particularly rough day one day and was expecting to talk with him and instead he had made plans for dinner with “mama.” Is this normal?

A: Given that there are so many tales of horror story divorces and warring ex spouses, it’s nice to hear about two people who are civil to each other and have put the needs of their child ahead of their own. But what you’re describing is way, way over the top.

One possible explanation for this is that your boyfriend simply isn’t ready to let go of his previous relationship. If that’s the case, you have two choices: either give him an “it’s her or me” ultimatum or break things off.

It’s also possible that “mama” is trying to do exactly what the teenage girl in the first letter is doing: put a wedge between you and your boyfriend. And, as with the teenager, nothing will change unless papa decides to draw the line. That means fewer (if any) invites to dinner and family gatherings as well as referring “mama” to another shoulder to cry on.

Dear Mr. Dad: We’ve always taught our kids to say “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and the other basics. But where are the rules about texting and using cell phones and all those other things that didn’t even exist when our parents were teaching us how to be polite?

A: Great question. Reminds me of last Thanksgiving, which I hosted. I was sitting at one end of the table and noticed that two guests at the other end were staring into their laps and, you guessed it, texting. I didn’t want to embarrass them, so I did the next best thing: sent each of them a sternly worded text telling them to stop texting. That seemed to resolve the issue. But that whole experience (we’ll skip the other guest who repeatedly checked football scores on his phone and then got up to go watch a game on TV) taught me two things. First, that while “please” and “thank you” are still important, there are dozens of other situations that Emily Post never even dreamed of. And second, today’s technologies haven’t changed the fact that good, old-fashioned manner are just as important as they ever were.

So here are a few 21st century scenarios and some thoughts on how to handle them. If you have an idea of one we should cover here, please let us know. We’ll feature some of the best in future columns.

Texting or talking on the phone at the dinner table. My basic rule is No. It’s rude—in the same way that reading a book at the dinner table or ignoring or excluding people in a social situation would be rude. It shows a basic disrespect for other people around you. The same goes for playing games on your phone or DS or other handheld device. Of course, if there’s a true emergency (an Angry Birds tournament doesn’t count), the rules change. But even then, stand up, say a polite, “would you please excuse me?” and go somewhere private.

Social media. Yes, it’s everywhere, but the Golden Rule still applies: Don’t do anything to anyone else that you wouldn’t want someone to do to you. Thinking about YouTube-ing a video of a friend making a fool of herself after having had a few too many drinks? Considering re-Tweeting a confidential message someone sent you? Toying with the idea of posting some really nasty comments on someone’s Facebook Wall? Take a deep breath and imagine that the roles are reversed and someone else was posting videos, Tweeting, or cyberbullying you.

Email. We all know that it’s rude to write in all caps because IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE SCREAMING. But be very careful about how you use Reply or Reply All. Does everyone on the email list really need to see your response to the original sender? I’m guessing not. And be even more careful about using BCC. If you’re using BCC to send potentially embarrassing information to someone who really has no business knowing it, you’re playing with fire. Eventually the other person will find out and you’ll be pegged—rightfully so—as an untrustworthy person who betrays friends and can’t keep a secret. And finally, try not to send email thank-you notes unless it’s for something very informal. It’s not appropriate, for example, for a child to write one “thanks for the cool birthday present” email and CC all of her guests (we’ve received more than one of these). Written thank-yous take more time and effort but they’re much more meaningful—to both the writer and the recipient.

Dear Mr. Dad. My 16-year old son has been coming home with bruises on his face and arms. At first, I assumed they were from sports. But when I asked, he got very embarrassed and refused to talk about it. Thinking maybe he was getting bullied at school, I pushed the issue and eventually he told me that his girlfriend was hitting him. I was shocked—I’ve never heard of a girl beating up a guy before. How common is this?

A: Sadly, it’s incredibly common—far more than most people would like to admit. If you look at official statistics you’ll find that nearly all the perpetrators of domestic violence are male. Unfortunately, official statistics don’t reflect reality. Men—including young men, like your son–almost never admit to being the victim of any crime at all, much less a violent one committed by a woman. And there’s good reason. Violence by women against men is generally ignored or seen as funny. Just think of all the movies and TV shows where a woman slaps, kicks, or punches a man. The reaction? Laughter, applause, cheers. The message to women (and girls) is that it’s okay to hit other people—especially males. And the message to men (and boys) is that if you ever get hurt by a female people are going to laugh at you.

So what are the real statistics? According to Murray A. Strauss, professor of sociology at the University of New Hampshire, intimate partner violence (violence by people in relationships) is far from one sided. In most violent relationships, physical aggression is mutual, with both sides swinging at each other. But when violence is initiated by one person only, it’s usually the woman. Strauss is no crank. He’s been researching and writing about relationship violence for decades. And he’s far from alone. Dozens of other researchers have also found that females are at least as violent as males. (There’s a good bibliography at mediaradar.org/research.php.)
Critics say that even if that’s true, men do more damage than women. But the research shows that men tend to use their hands while women use weapons. So even assuming that men do more damage, they certainly don’t do ALL the damage.

So why have male victims and female perpetrators been ignored? In part, it’s because there’s a societal belief that women just aren’t capable of violence. I wrote an article a few years ago about male victims of domestic violence and received the only death threat I’ve ever had in more than 15 years of writing. It was from a woman who—without noticing the irony—insisted that women are never violent. And she was going to kill me to prove it.

There’s also a knee-jerk reaction to female-on-male violence: the guy deserves it. ABC news did a segment that explored how people react when seeing a woman abusing a man in public. The URL is too long to give you here, but go to YouTube and enter “reaction to women abusing men in public.” I think (and hope) that you’ll be shocked.

Unfortunately, I don’t think the problem is going away anytime soon. We keep talking about “violence against women” as if it’s the only kind of violence out there. As a result, very few female offenders will get the treatment they need and even fewer male victims will get the support they and their children need. We need to decide that violence—not just violence by men—is a problem. Then, and only then, will we be able to solve it.