Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a stay at home father, have been for about two years, and really like it. But I’ve been feeling guilty. My wife works long hours and attends school while I do only about six hours of chores (throughout the day, not all at once). She says she’s perfectly fine with me being at home as long as I’m cooking and cleaning. Should I give in to social convention and get a job? Am I a failure as a husband? And, most importantly, why are stay-at-home dads frowned upon?
A: Wow, that’s a lot of questions. But let’s start with something you didn’t actually ask about: the phrase, “only about six hours of chores.” Dude, that is a lot of chores. Being an at-home dad is not supposed to be indentured servitude. Keeping the house clean and putting meals on the table (which, by the way, not all at-home moms do every day), is great. But your primary responsibility is to take care of your kids. No matter how good a day care or nanny is, having a parent with them is so much better (for them and for you).
You need to build plenty of time into your schedule to take the kids to the park or on field trips, play, hang with other kids, and turn all of that into teachable moments. If you’re spending your whole day doing chores, your kids aren’t getting the benefit of having you home and you aren’t getting the benefit of being with them—which is what it’s all about, right? If that’s true, you might as well go back to work and a maid.
Clearly, though, that’s not what you want to do. So on to your questions.
- Should you give in to convention and get a job? In your worse, “I really like it.” There’s your answer. I was an at-home dad for several years and have interviewed dozens more, and I’ve never met one who didn’t think it was the greatest thing they’d ever done. So if your family can get by on one income, throw convention to the wind.
- Are you a failure as a husband? That’s really a question for your wife and yourself. You’re both making sacrifices in your own way. If she’s happy doing what she’s doing and you’re happy with what you’re doing, you’re fine (although an occasional date night wouldn’t hurt).
- Why are at-home dads frowned upon? With at least two million primary-caretaker dads in the U.S., I’m not sure at-home dads actually are frowned upon—at least not as much as they used to be. And the frowning may be more about ignorance than disapproval. I absolutely hated it when I’d be out with my kids in the middle of the day and people would say, “Hey, you babysitting?” or “I hope you’re able to find a job soon.” Almost every at-home dad I’ve spoken with has had the same experience—and wanted to give the same answers (and not always very politely): “No, I’m not babysitting—these are my kids. And I already have a job.” It also really irked me when people would give me nasty looks (or comments) if I took my 3-year old daughter into the men’s room at some store. Would anyone bat an eye if a mom took a 3-year old boy into the women’s room? Not a chance.
TOD
“Brott demystifies child development and offers insight and practical advice on living with a toddler. It's a book that will make fathers understand what’s going on with their children, and enjoy the vital role they play in their kids' lives even more.”
—Pamela Abrams, former Editor-in-Chief, Child magazine
“Great book. Continuing wisdom from the guy who's really made it possible for me and so many dads I know to be as involved with our kids as we want to be. No question that this book has made me a better dad. Just ask my son.”
—Antoine, Boston, MA
“Brott discusses the larger experience of being a father, in a well-crafted, sensible manner ... gives contemporary fathers their own comprehensive reference to the challenging and delightful toddler years.”
—Ericka Lutz, Amazon.com
“Another great book in an intelligent series for dads. Armin Brott writes terrific parenting books for dads. They are well researched and the tone is encouraging and friendly.”
—Parentsworld.com
Armin Brott has a way of addressing the concerns of parenting in a humorous, honest, and educated way. More than just a parenting book though, he also discusses the issues within the other relationships in your life and offers great solutions and tips on how to cope.
--Meighan, SC
SCH
“Right from the beginning of this book, I found myself circling things and highlighting like mad, and saying to my wife: ‘hey! listen to this!’…. An excellent resource for any man who is truly interested in doing a real man's job: Being an involved father to his children.”
—Parent Blogger's Network
“This is a great book that is relevant. Honestly, it is not just for Dads, but awesome for Fathers. A book that really does show the practical ways to interact, become involved and learn more about what is going on with your child.”
—Fresh Brewed Blog
“I enjoyed the whole tone of the book which didn't, like many Mommy-focused books, use fear or guilt. I particularly enjoyed the wit of Brott's writing style.”
—Delighted Blogger
“Not only does this book talk about the special relationships between a father and his kids, it also gives us mommies some great information as well. You will find a wealth of information written in a way that will keep your interest."
—Island Review
"This, thankfully, is not another one of those goofy, dumbed-down books (think sports metaphors and caveman references) that make such amusing--but unhelpful--gifts for dads. In fact, this is as informative as any traditional parenting book out there (including those aimed at the moms), and in some ways even better.
—Newsday
