Dear Mr. Dad: I’ve suspected for a while that my twelve-year-old son is being bullied at school. I finally managed to get it out of him at bedtime one night. He doesn’t seem to be in real danger—it’s mostly petty harassment—but I remember being terrorized by exactly that at his age, and I just don’t want him going through it. What can I do?

A: Few things are as difficult and painful for a parent as seeing your child made miserable by a bully. It’s especially hard for dads, who feel helpless because they can’t adequately protect their child from harm. Being bullied can affect almost everything in your child’s life, from his personal confidence to his attitude toward school. And “petty harassment” over a long period can be every bit as scarring as physical abuse.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My fifteen-year-old wants to take a part-time job at a local fast food place. Actually, I’m not so sure he wants the actual job, just the money that goes along with it. Although I think it would be a great growth opportunity, I’m also worried that his grades will suffer with college just around the corner. I’m thinking of increasing his weekly allowance instead to make up at least part of the difference. What do you suggest?

A: Remember the first time you saw one of your classmates behind a counter a local store? If you’re like me, you were consumed with envy for the power, independence, and the adulthood it seemed to represent. I immediately began badgering my parents to let me join the Mysterious Society of the Working Teens.
So first of all, I wouldn’t assume that it’s all about the money. There’s probably a healthy dose of yearning for independence and maturity, and increasing the allowance might would have a negative effect in those areas.
Let’s take a look at the pluses and minuses:
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Dear Mr. Dad: I just found out that my 14-year-old is smoking. I was stunned. She accused me of “freaking out about nothing” and says she “can quit any time.” Then the big one: “Everybody is doing it.” Is it just a phase, or should I be concerned?

A: Be concerned. Be very concerned. While experimentation and line-crossing are a completely normal part of adolescence, smoking is a serious health issue that you can’t ignore. Let’s take a look at your daughter’s claims one at a time:
First of all, you are not “freaking out about nothing.” According to the Centers for Disease Control and prevention, smoking kills over 430,000 people each year in the U.S. alone. That hardly falls into the “nothing” category.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Grandma spoils our preschool twins to death! Whenever they’re with her, they seem to get free run of the house—with no rules. When we pick them up, they need an attitude adjustment to bring their whining and rudeness under control. How can we get my wife’s mother to supervise them more appropriately?

A: The old saying about grandparents is true—they get to spoil the grandkids, stuff them full of treats, and then send them home to Mom and Dad. Fortunately, the “damage” usually isn’t too heavy and it’s relatively easily corrected. But sometimes the effects last a little longer, especially with kids who are at the age when they disagree with parents over just about anything (which could be toddlers and preschoolers or teenagers—amazing similarities between the two groups).
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Dear Mr. Dad: My seven-year old’s birthday is coming up and he’s been asking for all the latest tech gadgets. Can’t kids these days have fun without electricity? Got any suggestions?

A: I have to confess that I’m something of a gadget-loving techie. But I’m also tired of fancy electronic toys and games that get used once and tossed–and I think kids are too. Feeling nostalgic for “the good old days,” I put out the word that I was looking for low- and no-tech games and activities. I wasn’t expecting many suggestions, but the response was incredible. So here are a number of simple, wholesome, no-batteries-required, and sometimes-free ways you and your kids can have a ton of fun this summer and beyond.
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Dear Mr. Dad: How can I spend quality time with my eleven-year-old daughter outside of going shopping all day? I realize that’s her passion these days, but honestly, I don’t have much to contribute on a shopping spree (except money, of course).

A: Oh, come on, shopping isn’t that bad! Actually, I’m with you on this one. There’s something about setting foot in a department store that makes my back hurt and my head ache. Fortunately, with a little advance planning, it’s possible to survive your tween’s occasional shopping trips while building a solid relationship along the way.

To start with, show some enthusiasm—even a little will help. If you can’t bring yourself to get excited about the stores or merchandise, think ahead to the final result: she’ll be having fun and taking care of some personal needs along the way. Saying things like, “I think we’re going to have fun today” shows you’re invested in the experience, even if your part of the fun will come at the very end, when you’re back in your car and driving home.

Be sure to set a time limit on your excursion, otherwise you could be out there all day. Arrange to start and finish at set times, and you can even split up for a while you get a cup of coffee or a cone and she visits the cool teen shop that you don’t want to be caught dead in. If she asks for your opinion, give it to her honestly, unless it’s a question like “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” which it’s best to avoid answering altogether. Be thankful she still values your advice; it won’t be long before what her friends think will trump your opinion every time (even if you’re right).

End your outing on pleasant note, like a restaurant luncheon or a movie. That’ll make the day more fun for you and will reinforce in your daughter’s mind that you actually value your time together.

Beyond shopping, try other activities with your daughter. If she’s athletic, play one-on-one with the basketball outside or get a pair of tickets to see her favorite team—the sport doesn’t matter– when they next come to town. Take a musically-inclined daughter to a concert, and an artsy girl to a play or a museum. If you’re feeling particularly brave, have her invite a friend along. Try for productions that both of you will enjoy, but let her have 51 percent of the votes. Even if you don’t like her choice, you’ll still learn a lot about who your daughter is and what she likes.

Back at home, working side-by-side can create a special bond. Cook a meal together, clean the garage, or plant a garden. For a laugh, try exchanging chores—you clean her room while she mows the lawn. Of course, make sure she knows how to operate the equipment safely.

Volunteering together is another nice joint bonding activity. Start by helping an elderly neighbor pull weeds. Then the two of you can sign up to serve food at a soup kitchen once a month or deliver meals to homebound people. Charitable work provides rich opportunities to teach life lessons through example and by observing the lives of others—those who help the needy and those who need the help.

Finally, don’t overlook simple activities like watching a sunset, reading together, or talking about life’s mysteries. Whatever you end up doing with your daughter, try to enjoy and treasure every moment.

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I have been trying for years to have a child of our own. We’re now considering adoption. But there’s so much to think about: Should we take in a foster child first, just to see how things go? Can we trust the State adoption agency? Will we be able to afford all the associated expenses? What if we discover months or years later, that there’s something seriously wrong with the child?

A: What great questions. Adoption certainly isn’t for everyone, and the decision to adopt isn’t one to take lightly. The risks are real: you hear nightmarish, heartbreaking stories everywhere. Many prospective adoptive parents go through the training that’s required by certain adoption agencies and drop out, realizing that it might not be for them. But there are plenty of successes out there too.
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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are about to get a divorce. We have a one-year old boy and she’s pregnant with our second. Here’s the problem: She’s been having an affair for the past two years and I’m concerned that the children aren’t actually mine. What can I do to protect myself?

A: I’m sorry about your situation. Divorce is never easy, and it’s even tougher when you’ve been cheated on and children are involved.

Hire a lawyer immediately. Then get DNA tests for you and the children. Expect to pay upwards of $400 for the testing, but given the horror stories I’ve heard from men in your situation, it’s a worthwhile expense.

Your goal is to avoid becoming a victim of “Paternity Fraud.” This is when a mother lies about who a child’s father is for the purposes of monetary gain. In your case, you could be on the hook for 18 or more years of child support for a child or children who aren’t yours.
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Dear Mr. Dad: Our first child is due in six months and we’ve decided I won’t be going back to work. How do we go from dual income couple to single income family without feeling the pinch too much?

A: Congratulations on thinking about this now—I’m always surprised at how many couples put off talking about money until they’re on the way home from the hospital, baby in hand.

The very first item on your list should be to pay off your credit cards. (If you don’t have any credit card debt, you’re already one step ahead). Next, start sinking your entire paycheck into savings and practice living off one salary. This will help you quickly identify any holes in your budget while you still have the security of two paychecks. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Mr. Dad: I have a 1-year old who says only two words: mama and dada. My best friend’s son is two months younger and she’s constantly bragging about his vocabulary. It’s driving me crazy—and it’s making me worry that there might be something wrong with my child. When do children start talking? Do they all talk around the same time? Is there any way I can assist my child to talk sooner?

A: As with walking and most other developmental milestones, there’s no fixed time for children to start talking, and what’s “normal” is a big, big range. Some start putting together words as early as nine months; others don’t have much to say until they’re two. The size of the vocabulary and the child’s age when words start tumbling out of his mouth is no indication of intelligence (Albert Einstein supposedly was nearly silent until age four).There’s definitely a luck-of-the-draw component here, but here are a few things that may speed things along. Read the rest of this entry »